eyes the window to your soul? bullshit

This is a belated post. I went to Bangkok 2 weeks back for 2 nights all by my lonesome. Needless to say, I had a gorgeous time. I met up with a friend there and had an awesome time clubbing, shopping, drinking, spending time with myself, beer, a bubble bath and MTV reality shows. Brilliant.

Some highlights:

1. Cheap shopping but everyone knows that about Bangkok. Chatuchak weekend market is the bomb! Go when it's raining like a bitch so that you really experience the leaky, primitive market in all it's glory! Being the tourist was just fun!
2. Marlboro Lights for 55 Baht.
3. Tiger Beer for 30 Baht.
4. Bourbon-cokes at high-end clubs for 100 Baht.
5. Sexual experiences galore. Don't worry. Durex was my best friend.
6. Massage with perks. ha ha.
7. Taxi's for about 1/20th the cost of Singapore's.
8. Friendly people. Fucking friendly. I loved it. Some random woman actually came with me on the train to see I got where I wanted to go safely and no she wasn't a whore.
9. An abundance of whores. This is not connected to point number 5 or 6. I'm an innocent boy. They add so much colour to Bangkok. Phrases such as "Boom-boom with Thai Girl ok?'' or "I suck your dick for 100 baht'' or even ''Take it out, let me see how big'' cracked me up. So cool.
10. Fast, fast internet. I had to check mail a few times and each time was such a pleasure because it was all so efficient on state of the art Dell computers. Also 1 minute= 1 baht.
11. The haphazard colourful landscape littered with opulence, beggars and pure fun. Perhaps it's a bit mean for me to say that the beggars added to the magic that was Bangkok but the more disconnects you see around you, the more you feel you are free to do whatever you want. In Singapore, you get anonymity (just barely) but nothing much more. And of course, 25 Baht to a dollar.
12. I believe what I experienced was just the tip of a very versatile iceberg and the fact that there is still soo much to do in Thailand and even Bangkok will bring me back. Definitely. Perhaps when I have a job and no obligation to take a drug test I will dapple some of what makes Thailand the party mecca of the Orient.

It's New York mixed with Amsterdam mixed with Sri Lanka. Absolutely wonderful. If it takes a normal person two-three years to get bored in Singapore, in Bangkok, I guarantee it, it will take much, much longer.

Plus, don't take any notice of the vacant looks you see on the Thai people. It's the perfect deception for the the friendly, kind people they are. You still need to have your wits about you (the same effortless friendly ease could very well pick your pockets when your not looking) but if you are, the good times will roll in.

back to square one

Being needy is a problem I have. The person I'm being needy towards feels a sense of power over me (quite naturally) but I do admit, when I am at my peak I can and do get way too overbearing with the guilt trips and sarcasm laced with hopeful hurt. Curiously, other people I am generally close to or very good friends with (and have no problem with coz I really do love them) feel I am being insensitive towards them..... It might or might not be true but I certainly do feel for them, perhaps not to the extent of being absolutely sensitive because honestly, I am a self-centred person. It doesn't mean I don't care though. I do. Maybe not in the way they want to be cared for. And honestly, people who accuse me of being insensitive are no where close to being sensitive and I have tried very hard to get over the feelings of hurt that inevitably start to corrode a relationship. Some people call me a doormat but if that is a price I need to pay for not feeling continuous anger then so be it. Unfortunately, when this is pointed out to me by a third person I get angry with myself and become very embarrassed but it is only a brief moment of time before I recede into a cultivated sense of implacability.

That all got shot into hell yesterday. I experienced a crisis. My exam was in less that 12 hours and my preparation wasn't going well. I was having trouble concentrating and my usual remedy- a short chat with a friend or two, or atleast their comforting physical presence-couldn't be indulged in. Everyone was out. Everyone had gone to watch the latest Potter movie (a week after I had watched it I must add, ha ha) and it was terrible. I literally watched myself go to pieces. Perhaps that's a tad dramatic you think? I didn't think so. During exams, ironically, my cigarette consumption goes down and I feel a sense of jittery confidence that usually is well justified. Well, this time around, that confidence was nowhere in sight and I became a fucking chimney. I smoked 12 cigarettes in a little over 2 hours and I was getting the munchies for more. I was itching for company and inevitably, this itch dulled itself with me pouring out the self-pity. This was no fault of anyone's but mine and it drove me crazy. I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't help myself. Is this what one does when one is so insecure. Perhaps. I also felt a bit hurt because you never want to be the back-up friend. It coming at a time like this was just added fuel to the fire. I have grown over the past 3 years and I have been introduced to this concept of a ''back-up friend'' many times before, and I would never subject anyone to this feeling of inadequacy. It's like that now and it will always be like that because I am not a bastard.

Luckily a friend came over and we talked and it all seemed okay. In fact, it was miraculous. I am very grateful.

I overreacted, I know, but it's got me thinking. What IS the point of being sensitive? The buck should stop here.

intervi(ew)

Taking into account the fact that my previous post was about melancholy tendencies about to be put right, it would stand to reason that this time around I would finally un-depressed, if not for happy, right? Well, wrong. Kind of.

It is kinda depressing and doom-impending when you have applied to 40 over places and you don't get a single call-back (the parallels of this post to my previous one are really reflections of my versatility lack thereof and possibly also a reason why I am not being called back) interview.

However, this morning it all changed! I got ONE call back! So Merlyn (I wouldn't be surprised if she had connections with the magical world coz she certainly did infuse some much needed...er.. magic into my life), casually calls me up and in her perky voice informs me that I need to get my ass down to Shenton Way for an interview! Now, since I had missed her orginal call and I called her back in semi-comatose state, I could only stare fixedly into the wall above my bed, with sleep-crust around my almost quivering lips as she told me this piece of extremely good news.

Well of course, it wasn't quite as romantic and disgusting as that silly! I mean have you ever heard of so much happening in a span of 180 seconds? I know, fucking Angelina Jolie and Nicholas Cage could have stolen 3 cars in that period but this is not a fucking movie is it? If it was, I would either be employed by the top-firm in the city and systematically being hunted down by the Chinese mafia for wishing to blow the whistle on the partners' deviant behaviour OR I would be living in Al Junied (or whatever-the-fuck) in a studio apartment with 3 other people and I would regularly go down to Orchard MRT so that I could stand on a box and and paint myself gold and pretend to be a still gold man (like some people I know).

Exams are here again, the 7th and final round of exams at NUS. It's been way too short.

Post-Application Depression

A deep-seated sadness washed over me while I was waiting for my take out today. I sat on the couch that is usually relegated to those-who-like-to-be-losers-and-watch-the-apprentice-in-front-of-their-computers-and-therefore
-would-like-their-nourishment-to-be-packed-in-undegradable-styrofoam-takeout, when this incredible feeling of melancholy ambushed me. Maybe it was the pathetic Chinese love song that was playing over the radio, maybe it was the severe lack of people at the place, maybe it was the fact that the service staff knew what I was going to order before I said it but it still was superbly depressing. There is absoloutely no reason for this to happen because my life is not as tragic as I would like to think.

I had just finished applying for around 8 jobs in one go and since this was the first time I had actually spent quality time over my resume and cover letter I thought I would be full of joy and shit... but noooo... that didn't happen.

The bright side is that in about an hour, I get to go out with a group of friends to get awesomely wasted. Now I know to all you very intelligent people out there who make the connection between alcohol and sadness, this is probably not the wisest thing to do, but maybe this melancholy is related to the fact that I haven't partied in ten days.. Who the fuck knows! All I do know is that a lack of socialization in my life always weighs me down and all that is gonna be put right tonight!

Yay. Free flowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I am Him, I am Lucifer

Emily Rose called out to me last night. Well not really, but the movie was pretty awesome in my opinion. I don’t know why the critics gave it a C+ on Yahoo! Movies which is usually a pretty reliable gauge for good movies, but the movie just excited me. Of course, they did give Life David Gale a pretty crap grade too, but seriously, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, at its worst could be called underwhelming. It’s definitely not C+ material though.

Funny thing though, both The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Life of David Gale star Laura Linney. I think as of this moment, she and Kate Winslet are my favourite actresses. Right now seems like the most appropriate timing for me to list my favourite actresses. Drum roll please………………….. There are some I love just for their acting and some I just love coz they look awesome on screen. So the first batch is up there coz of their acting (which also automatically qualifies them into the second group) and the second group is up there coz I just love looking at them. On screen, not porn. Of course, some of the stuff Kate Winslet has done, inclusive of the infamous scene in Jude and the urination scene in Holysmoke, can be classfied as porn.

Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Jude, Iris, Heavenly Creatures)
Julianne Moore (Far from Heaven, The Hours)
Laura Linney (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Kinsey, Love Actually)
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives, Path to War)
Meryl Streep (The Hours, Angels in America, Adaptation, Death Becomes Her)
Laura Dern (We Don’t Live Here Anymore)
Nicole Kidman (Dogville, the Hours, The Others)
Maggie Smith (Gosford Park, Death on the Nile)
Natalie Portman (Closer)
Judi Dench (Chocolat, Iris)

Uma Thurman
Julia Roberts
Renee Zellwegger
Catherine Zeta Jones
Angelina Jolie

I am obsessed with movies. I wish could make tons of money just for criticizing movies. But sadly that is not possible. It just doesn’t pay that well coz honestly, anyone can criticize movies.

Several things happened while I was typing this post. Firstly, I just had just finished watching Dark Water starring Jennifer Connelly when some stupid bat tried to fly through my window. I just lost it. This is exactly on par with my phone ringing right after I finished watching The Ring. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I knew who it was that was calling but somehow I missed the call and there was no number on my caller number display. Freaky. I mean I checked if it was an international call but my family specifically told me that they hadn’t called.

Also, as I walked down to collect my McDonald’s Breakfast (that’s right folks, it’s 5.45am and McDonalds just delivered me my breakfast!!!), I decide to pop into the TV room in my block. In the darkness slept a strange man. I turned to rush out, he woke up, we both screamed and I ran out. I have only just calmed down to realize that this strange man is our security guard. What the fuck was he doing a). sleeping and b). in the freaking TV room? Blardy fools I swear.

And finally, a hell of a lot of garlic sauce just squirted onto my laptop. Disgusting! This is God’s way of reminding me that I hate Garlic Sauce and to stop trying to taste it from time to time. For those out there who know how much I care for my baby, AKA laptop, both baby and parent are fine with only superficial bruises. However I must stress that the wounds are only just superficial. A little more volume as regards Garlic Sauce and my baby would have suffered a devastating death. Devastating for me, not for it…My precious.

Watching movies, grading them, analyzing actors and actresses and just generally getting steeped in film trivia are just some things I do to get myself through the day. It’s a guilty pleasure. Actually, scratch that, I feel no guilt about it (faintly embarrassed?) and I have loads of fun doing it.

By the way, Dark Water is a mediocre film with good acting by Jennifer Connelly. I know she’s a pretty phenomenal actress but I have never liked her too much before. In this flick I like her better but I don’t think I will ever be bowled over by her. I am just not into her. She doesn’t rock my boat.

I must stop now. Never, ever presume you can sustain a high energy level with only 3.5 hours of restful sleep. I am just gonna take a short nap. Tata!

popping cherries

Friend says to me: Oh my gawd, the cherry popped in my eye.
Me: ………. (Eye-popping silence)
Me: ………..Erm. What?

Apparently, the lit end of a cigarette, due to its reddish glow, is called the cherry. My friend was lying flat on his back and smoking when suddenly the cherry popped out and fell into his eye.

You learn something new everyday.

Fortunately he was not blinded and now is able to tell other people how a cherry popped in his eye. Considering the alternative, one must wonder whether that is even possible.

Anyway, I am bereft of friends. Pavitra and Shiny packed their Art-School asses off to their respective third-world countries. Never realized how much of a cohesive force Shiny was. I mean, she is the one who introduced me to the Parvation and that in my eyes will always be the best thing she did for me. Except perhaps, one certain New Years Eve party that happened a long time ago. And also obviously the friendship we share.

Shiny had a dinner thing at her house and that girl can pack a pretty good punch with her cuisine skills. I was impressed and ate a laaaaat of food. Also the wine was flowing and we didn’t fear it running out coz, being the resourceful persons we are, there were a few bottles of vodka and Black Cat whiskey solemnly standing about like they knew they had the serious responsibility of being our safety net.

We all merrily lurch into Attica where we proceed to get even more plastered. Eventually, after dancing about in witch-hats and getting felt up by a very suspicious looking character, I get pissed off at my lack of willpower and total failure in being able to keep to a study schedule that would start the next day at 10am, if and only if I left the club at 2.30am. When I finally realize that I am too plastered to even hope I will wake up at 1pm much less at 10.30, I start panicking, consult my watch which inexplicably , in some conspiracy like manner, tells me its 4.20am. I angrily walk out of club and take a taxi home. There have been some wild nights in the past where I would readily admit my inability to remember things but this was one night where I thought I got home with no ‘incidents’ because in my opinion, the fabric of my memory was in tip-top and unstained (obviously by numerous types of alcohol) condition.

But, two things contradict this condition.

1. I met some of Pavs’ friends outside Attica. This is one part I do remember. However, what I don’t remember is talking to this friend about her potentially explosive, when-I-come-back-I-will-attack, love life. I found this out around 2 days later.

2. I woke up to find a large mineral water bottle on my desk. I never buy big bottles and this one had no water in it and neither did it look new. My only explanation is that I probably met someone who gave it to me. I am not a violent person (except perhaps violent verbally) by nature so I doubt it was a fight-thing. I might have, however, got the bottle in return for a sexual favour but that would imply that I saw some value in that bottle and no drunken state is gonna make that dumpy looking bottle look like an Oscar or anything I might have wanted. This does not mean that if I did see some value in an item that was not mine I would offer sexual favours to get it. That is definitely not the case coz if it was, I would be kinda having sex all the time wouldn’t it?

I am never going to know what exactly happened unless some random weirdo taped the whole thing. Sigh.

mezzanine

i figure i might as well share some interesting things with you:

a few weeks back, the marketing department at the business school i study at had a party most specifically for the marketing majors. it was held at Club Momo, Singapore's newest club. and it was super fun. yay. i was mostly hanging with my friend Lindy and my marketing research project group made up of Maurice, Juli and Valerie. there were free beers, but it was Guiness and i don't like it too much, but i still drank it of course! also 5 dollar bacardi's, one for one. woo! anyway, i participated in a game which i thought would be a drinking competiton but it seems i jumped the gun and volunteered to arm-wrestle with a lecturer from our department. now, he had a sleevless vest on with a bandana tied around his head and being the weakling i am, get extremely intimidated. it doesn't help that there are around 250 of my fellow marketing majors standing around. but i am also extremely adept at smiling when i am fucking nervous, so while my arm was wrestled into a pile of whipped cream, i kept a beautiful smile on my face and acted all gracious until i got absorbed back into a crowd that congratulated me by atleast volunteering.. aww. anyway, i won 6th prize on the lucky draw! the prize was two tickets to Bangkok. yay. i still haven't redeemed it but i shall soon. my project mate, Valerie, who likes white men and said i was cute, won 1st prize. it was a fricking Lenovo Computer. yux i hate her. but i also love her coz shes very sweet and blur. anyhow, had a few more drinks with Lindy, Maurice and Juli until Maurice started drunkenly lurching around with a beatific smile on his face and talking about the beauty of God. then went for supper and got back home. fun fun and i didn't know that Lindy could dance so sexily.

also, i love teriyaki chicken. i have tried it at countless places. and recently, i found out that Genki Sushi which is located around 50 metres from where i stay has some pretty decent teriyaki chicken.. not the best, but guess what? i don't have to go foraging for food anymore. yay.

also people, try out KFC's coconut pie. it is to die for!!!! it's only a dollar and i bet u guys will hate it, but when i'm with coconut pie, ahm nor worriez abott nobodiez.

the guy next to me at the study room, suddenly realizes he is wearing his t-shirt the wrong way round and decides to, in sub-zero temperature, to change his t-shirt right then and there. i could, with some difficulty, accept that but when he decides to stay bare-chested for about 50 unnecessary seconds baring his flesh and armpit hair... i get a bit queasy. anyway, the bloody fellow thinks its the most normal thing to do and continues to study after getting dressed.

i have started applying for jobs, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Citibank, DBS, Lenovo and Shell are some of the companies I have applied for. now the only thing to do is to fucking get settled into accommodation but i'm so sure that's gonna be a fucking bitch. Ashanie and Anirudh and I are moving out but its not proving out to be anywhere as idealistic as i thought it would be. ideal scenario would mean we are all graduated and all willing to move out with each other. not so ideal scenario is the willingness remains but I am the only one graduating at the end of this year. Ashanie has agreed to move out with me in December, but Anirudh will only join six months later. that poses a problem. we can't get a two room apartment. and it's gonna be difficult to get a third party involved. oh its a mess which either will get sorted out quickly enough.. or it won't.. and then that will be a fuck up.

moving on, famous amos cookies can never compete with Oreos on taste... oreos are just infinitely better tasting.

lots of tv series premiered recently. lost, desperate housewives, nip/tuck and the o.c. all bring joy to my life. especially desperate housewives and nip/tuck. joely richardson is obviously the best actress alive.

bye for now.

libidinous fool

I really need to apologize for not updating for so long.
There is this compulsion to update my blog… it is almost pathological… an extension of my body which is just diseased… coz really there is nothing to update even in this drunken state…

Of course there is… ha ha.

First of all, I don’t appreciate my experiences being made a joke of. I really don’t. It fucking irritates me to hell and back. There is a difference between my making a joke of it and someone else making me feel ridiculous. I tell only very select people my personal stuff but unfortunately it is something that is amusing and a piece of information that is added to some entertainment database. I really do not appreciate it. I mean, people who know me, really do KNOW me and that is something I don’t want to be seen abused.

Of course this was written when I drunk as a bitch, and I really think I overreacted to all this. A thousand apologies for any offence caused. I just don’t want to erase something, coz then I will want to stop blogging altogether. To my credit the post is almost grammatically correct and that’s a sure sign I was drunk coz when I am, I painstakingly edit my writing so as to prevent people from catching on to what an addict I am. Sob.

Anyway, I have had some interesting experiences recently. I did get some sexual action. And it was fun as hell. It was safe so don’t worry. I feel satiated. It was a one night stand. Judge me, I don’t fucking care. Sometimes it must be done. I decided to go clubbing by myself and it paid off richly. I really do think a new comfort zone must be created that is separate from the one you have with your friends. Isolated. Independent. Mutually exclusive. No one ever understand what the other is going through, so why bother?

So I get bought drinks for me all night. Jim Beam baby! Even after I leave the scene of the crime at around 3am and go to Devil’s Bar, I still get people buying drinks for me. I think I was in heat that day and everyone who was horny could just smell the cum. Tee hee. Sometimes you just get lucky. That night however, I didn’t get any more action (apart from a little making out) and I went home quite drunk around 5.45am.

Saturday was Byron’s birthday and we had a blast at Boat Quay, Indochine and Gotham’s Penthouse. We all did sexual things to each other on the dance floor. There was a certain someone who kissed everyone in her vicinity. A certain someone proclaimed love for someone other than her lover. Haha. Well not really, but it is funny to write it. Someone had fantasies about fucking a bad dancer. Someone touched someone’s inner thigh, dangerously close to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Someone and someone had a dancing competition with another two someone’s who incidentally are related. Anyhow, had to take a friend back home coz she was drunk!! It was kind of good to get out of the haze and out of the alcohol coz it was utter chaos in there.

The next day went to another friends birthday. This time around, it was a dinner party and he had really outdone himself. There was a huge selection of food available. Salad, cold cuts, salmon, fish fillet, lamb-chop, satay’s, sausage kebabs, corn on the cob, sautéed potatoes, king prawns, fried rice, tiramisu, melon, watermelon, mango, grapes, chocolate biscuit pudding, caramel pudding and a hugeee chocolate cake. Awesome, awesome meal. Chandana was the birthday boy and he really fucking out did himself. A huge thanks to him!

After that, went with Sujan, Shashin, Ashanie and Rakhil to Brix. Finished off the remainder of the Scotch that had been bought some fine day a week or two ago. Proceeded to buy a bottle of Jim Beam at the Living Room at the Marriot! The music’s very loungy and it isn’t very nice but it got nicer as the night went along. We played I Never and we found out some very interesting things. For example, some of us had eaten our own cum, two of us had fantasized about raping a person, one of us had a fantasy about screwing an animal, some bondage had been carried out and none of us had been blown on the plane…. How sad!

Do you realize that I got drunk three times last week? Oh My God! It’s never happened like this before. I had fun though.

Highlight of Drunken Night One: The sex of course. Well not really the sex, but definitely the oral action.

Highlight of Drunken Night Two: The company of Shiny, Pavs, Ashanie and Rakhil put together!

Highlight of Drunken Night Three: The food but that came much before the alcohol. I would say, the game of I Never. Made me horny as hell. Ha ha

Anyhow, I must sign out. And I feel the need to type up something creative, as opposed to something just purely informational on this blog. Maybe next time. Whenever that might be.

and i just want to thank you

i am so immensely thankful to my friends. i really feel an absolute devotion to them. part of yesterday and today was so much fun. surely a great start to our mid term break from all things educational.

i had a pretty average exam saturday morning and because of my sleep deprived state i wasn't too thrilled to go collect our black eyed peas concert tickets with Shashin in Orchard but it turned out quite good actually. after picking up the tickets, we did a bit of shopping and i picked up a shirt from Top Man. kinda preppy shirt but i really liked it so what the hell ah? had dinner at swenson's and then came back to campus.

within 45 minutes, got dressed for drinks. drank some vodka and bacardi with byron, malinda, shavanka, nadeeka, harjote, shashin, buhary, mizran and mustafa. then left for Gotham Penthouse around 12.30am. met up with ash, fazil, shines, sujan and rakhil there. there was a bottle of black label so the alcohol was flowing quite smoothly and it was interspersed with at least 4 shots of tequila. i don't quite remember everything. then left for Attica which was quite good since cousin was there, but don't remember much of anything there either. ooops. left at around 4.45am to go have supper at Newton. the mee-goreng was really spicy and i'm really happy i can remember that. waited till 6am so that cab fares would be cheaper and shashin left back to campus whereas i cabbed it to fazil's cousin's apartment where sujan, shines, fazil and ash were chillin. had a bit more alcohol there and shot the shit for a bit. all obscene things and all things connected to masturbation, penis length and girth and god knows what else. i said god and penis length in the same sentence; going to hell for sure.

so me and shines came back to her apartment around 8am. crashed out on the bed. woke up around 1pm with a roaring headache. called a few million people but ended up talking to only pavs and ani. took some panadol and just conked out until 5.30pm. pavs came over, i showered and we left for parkway parade. had dinner at swenson's (again!) and walked around a bit. just fun to chill. then went to east coast park, sat outside coffee bean and had.... guess what... coffee. such interesting talk we had lah. all about scandalous break-ups between friends, about cute kids and i honestly don't know what else. then we took a walk to the beach where we sat down again and admired the beyootiful views of the ocean, the sky, the moon and the streaks of smoke made by taking off- and arriving airplanes. the whole package was quite mesmerizing. well, we talked about revirginisation, turtle eggs, cute turtle babies, dirty sex/almost-sex secrets, potential fun plans of hanging out for a solid 2 hours at least. then took a cab and came back home. 24-fricking hours later after i left my room. shock!

anyhow, SUCH a good day. hanging with shines and pavs today made the hangover, the excessive hair on my face, dirty boxers and acidic stomach seem totally insignificant and not much a problem. u gotta love it (them).

starburst

I have a photo frame right beside my laptop on my desk. The frame is translucent blue with a starburst of silver glitter and stars around where the photo should go. Of course, right now, it wouldn't look that great coz of all the dust but that's because I got it right before coming to university... which was three, yes, three years back.

It was given to me by mum's friend as a going away and good luck present. It came with loads of yummy lebanese desserts but the frame is what I really appreciated. I knew exactly what photograph would go in it, one of my sister and myself at our house on the day of my going-away party. That photo was there for an entire two years. Only then did I discover one with both my parents in it on what was their pseudo-honeymoon.

They are both lying down in a hammock somewhere in either Kashmir or Ooty and my mum looks shy. She has this peculiar upside-down smile which looks beautifully naughty. It was a time when she was free of all burdens in life with a man she was slowly beginning to love. My dad, a man I am afraid and regret I never knew is sitting beside her not looking particularly happy or sad but with a blank look of shock as if he doesn't know why or who is taking the photograph.

I wish I knew what was going through his mind. We can never know what another is thinking but we all pretend to because we've known them long enough to understand how they think, and what that facial-twitch or frown or smile means. We've got mental signposts based on years of experience. But I never had it. Don't get me wrong here, I don't miss him, I don't feel any particular love for him but I would have liked to know how a father would have changed my life. I want to miss him and I want to love him over and above that self-imposed obligatory love one must have for family members but it's just not possible. I just think it's unfair that so many people knew him and his own son never did. It's so ironic or surreal or whatever word that can be used in this kind of situation.

So there the photoframe sits, with its simple, natural, naïve photograph meticulously pasted in it. I take no notice of it at all most of the time but it sits there patient and bursting with love. A growing, young love for each other, for their respective families, for gulab-jamun, for goat brain, for paneer tikka, for the child that is growing inside my ma and all the love they showered on me when I was born.

I'm so lucky and I don't even fucking know it.

you know how i feel.... and i know how i feel

so tell me? do you regret anything from your past? coz surely, everyone has a past.

who gives a fuck whether it's in an 'interesting' past or not? it's still your past; no one else's.

really, no, tell me, any regrets? no regrets at the moment, but things come back... to haunt you, to taunt you, to bite you in the ass.

that bites. oh boy does it suck. listen to some oasis. it will make you feel better.

maximise your potential today. exploit your every opportunity. cannot be done dude, we live abstract lives shrouded in everything but rationality. we cannot touch our sadness, we cannot feel our feelings, we cannot stoke our irrationality.

it's a fine balance. sorry. a lifetime of regrets spread before you and no idea of what they are, only knowing, that they will be there, littering the ordinary, beautiful landscapes of routine.

blue balls

everybody I have been in contact with since I came back to Singapore has noticed at one auspicious time or another that I have been cranky and have been lapsing into periods of very awkward silences. Well that has passed! I feel cheerful these days; there seems to be no need for me to be unsociable. You know why? Because, when I do feel unsociable, I am perfectly happy sitting in my room watching a movie, chatting, studying, drinking coffee and smoking. I feel no obligation to go out and hang with friends if I don't want to. I think my problem before was that I always went out and immersed myself in company even when I knew perfectly well I would end up having a miserable time. I know exactly how it works. First, I feel tired, then some sort of resentment towards present company (however unjustified), then periods of zoning out, then periods of making an effort, then a headache and then full-blown anger towards the people I am with. And most of the time, the anger just stays in but when it comes out, I am snappish, mean, rude, below-the-belt. Oh I know this will sound sexist, but its exactly how sooo many of girlfriends are when they have their period.

It's never good to treat a friend like some kind of sounding board, but it helps time to time. I would hate people treating me like a punching bag, but there are degrees to which I can be pushed to accept and this is perfectly fine if I can have this privilege too. Ha Ha.

On a side-note, I just finished watching the eighth episode of the final season of Six Feet Under. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. It's sad. I cried. I went to the HBO site and read the synopses of the rest of the episodes too and I cried more. I feel like I've lost a family because this series is the best show I've ever watched (withSATCbitch) and has taken me through some good times while I've been in NUS. It's also been a conversation topic with a few of my bestest friends. I want to sob again. I am bereaved. I need help. Psychiatric help.

On another side-note, my roommate always knocks on the door whenever I start masturbating. I haven't had any relief in dayyssss! I'm horny as fuck. I'm hoping I get some tomorrow. Some real, unadulterated fun!!!!!! woo hoo!!!

balls of light

Friday was a good day. It started off quite underwhelmingly even though I should have been feeling a bit more nervous. You see, I had a test on Marketing Research and my mind was very badly muddled with the differences between concepts, constructs, extraneous variables, intervening variables and other such shite. But, I wasn't feeling it, it being the usual nervousness I feel when this confusion has the potential to confuse me, fail me. Instead, I flipped through the book with ease, which might be taken as a sign of great confidence but really the only way I could be ignorant of what I had not studied..... Anyhow, the class was pretty good and the test was... confusing but I think I did pretty well.

I met up with Nadeeka and Shashin for lunch after that. It was a very minimalistic lunch. I mean the food was alright, the conversation pretty sparse but I think we all left quite content. I think it's that time of the semester when you realize that leisurely lunches are not all that much of a necessity and lunch is not something you plan other events, more mundane events around but rather something you fit into a schedule. squeeze it in because you don't want to grab a curry puff, chocolate bar or some other unhealthy thing for something as sacred and so motherly-infused as lunch.

Came back, slept for a measely one and a half hours and then went for a meeting. I have joined a marketing plan competition for a brand of sanitary napkins called Kotex Dri-Comfort. We need to plan a year's marketing communications campaign for the brand with a budget of SG$500,000. It's very interesting work but I can totally forsee these meetings taking their toll on me and my haphazard schedule where I like to keep entire periods of time free so that I can possibly chill, zone out or meet up with friends. Hell, I shouldn't be complaining since this is what I hope to do in the long term. The meeting went for a very short time, after which I went home and slept for another 1 hour to keep my spirits up for........ Pavs' Dinner Party.

This girl and her flatmates put on one hell of a party. First and foremost, the apartment was in impeccable condition. The apartment is beautiful and these girls have nicely done it up. What struck me most and still does, is Pavs' room. It's very understated. The only thing remotely ostentatious about the room is the purple/pink balls of light she's hung on her wall. It's beautiful and it totally brings out everything else in the room. The pictures of her and her family, her bed, her curtains take on a completely different tone and colour because of these balls of light and it makes me feel like a child again. I am fascinated by light, especially lights of different colours in the dark. I am reminded of days in Colombo during Vesak when my uncle takes us out to see the pandols and the lanterns adorning the city. Every conceivable colour in every possibile receptacle of light splashed everywhere. I love it. In my garden back home, in the old house (now, it's been converted to concrete to accommodate our fucking vehicles), we had a custard apple tree and a frangipani tree. On these trees we used to hang small paper lanterns with a candle in each of them. My heart used to burn, when the lanterns caught fire because the wind was too strong. I used to love coming out in the night to just stare at these blurs of light (if you scrunch up your eyes) the same way I used to crawl under our Christmas tree at night to take in the aroma of the pine and bathe in the iridescent light.

Chh. I digress. The entire apartment was set in darkness with only a few spots of light, graciously provided by candles set around the place. The liquor flowed, the music loud as shit, the food slowly but steadily getting over and the crowd absolutely raucous and disgraceful in their behaviour. I don't understand how my friends... FRIENDS.. and I can just touch each other, grind with each other and still be as platonic as we are. It just feels comfortable and natural and quite hilarious. We have no boundaries and it might or might not come back to haunt us in the future but right now, I put my friends up there on a well-deserved pedestal.

So we slowly got drunk on wine, vodka and Bacardi and countless repetitions of the elephunk theme, striptease and galang. Also, we drank everyone else’s alcohol. After getting done with that, we bought another bottle and selfishly kept it hidden from everyone so only we had access to it. In that inebriated state, we entertained someone not usually in our group and some accusations were made against me. I don’t want to go into it right now, but if you think I spread rumours, then think again, because even though I gossip like an old Sindhi lady, my gossip is purely directed towards people I know, love and trust implicitly. My offended sensibilities slowly took in more alcohol and before I knew it, I was having fun again.

I shudder to think of what we did to Pavs’ room. We spilt alcohol, coke, cigarette ash and sugary syrup all over. I would never have been able to take it but the beautiful owner of the beautiful room was too busy looking for a phone that was believed to be stolen but was actually lying a foot away from her. Quite hilarious but how can I possibly afford to talk? I once, went up to random people in a club and asked them to look for my room key which I thought I had lost. Eventually, after asking about a thousand people about it, I realized I had given it to my friend for safekeeping. Some of these random people turned out to be Sri Lankans and after that, I have forever been branded as the useless fucker who’s a cheap drunk. Anyway, that is not the point. We were too fucked to care about anything else at that point and we happily set off to Club Momo.

For once, the guys, Anirudh and Myself, got in free while the girls had to pay. Sexism is back in fashion. Yay. Club was disappointing, so after a while we just sat outside, talking about a certain someone and referring in that context to one particular commandment set out in that all-consuming, all-empowering book called the Bible. We also ate some of the oiliest fried chicken which turned out to be fucking tasty. After that, we parted and came home. Ashanie was drunk, Anirudh coming out of some haze hanging around him (call it the happiness, totally not underwhelmed haze) and myself, angry with God knows whatever reason. Went back to room and did mundane things like check email, brush teeth, listen to some non-party music and then I slept like a fucking baby.

So all in all, minus the accusation, this party was a roaring, disgustingly drunk success. And now since, I was interrupted while typing this post and am now typing this 4 hours after I started it, I have totally forgotten the tone I wanted to end this post with.

So, bye.

striptease for me baby

how nice would it be if one could just do anything one wanted, without feeling that one would offend or piss off anyone else, or just that you didn't care even if you did?

I would love to tell the taxi driver to stuff it if he started talking to me and I didn't feel like reciprocating, which is most of the time. I would really relish the opportunity to slap all those people who try to get on to the bus without waiting for people to get out. With campus bursting at its seams these days, this is something that occurs on a daily basis. I really don't know how to deal with my anger when people at the bus stop push themselves up even though they know that people are still pushing their way out of the damn bus. The other day I called a girl an asshole when she did it and even though she was a fucking bitch to do what she did, the look on her face-one of pure terror-is something I am quite ashamed of. It's like my head just implodes when something like this happens. It's pretty scary when you come to think of it because I really do think I might be regressing into a childhood characterized by a very bad temper.

I normally get annoyed with over-zealous taxi drivers and the bus people, but the anger is never concentrated enough to verbalize itself. That my dears, is fucking scary.

The queue's in Singapore are something I have never had the patience for but over time I have come to deal with them (mostly by calling a cab, walking to a smaller one, or smoking excessively to while away the time). Of recent times, however, I just become rude, crotchety and downright mean when it comes to standing in queues. I am ashamed to tell you that even though the people at the PGP canteen have been nothing but nice to me, I just snap out my order and wait in silence for my food to come, even though they look at me and try to start a conversation. My behavior is shockingly disgraceful but what does one do when one feels so alienated and unsociable? I wish I didn't have to venture out into the open but I can't be expected to cook my own food, manufacture my own medicine or wash my clothes in my room.

Anyway, let us all hold each other's hands and hope that all of this is just a phase. However, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly before and after all the touching.

sensation

It went down my throat. It felt fucking good. The fumes finally took effect. Their necessary effect. Why do I stick to the sticks? It only complements, it satisfies, completely, wholly when there is a glass in my hand, full of that bourbon and Bacardi. Yet the cigarettes take over my life. The drink encroaches on my life but the smoke asphyxiates me. And guess what? I like it. Hell, I love it.

The concept of being an undergraduate has been exploited. Terribly.

I struggle to understand why I am not yet in love, why no one is in love with me. I tell myself that maybe I am sinking but that is such a fucking cliché. It’s really a lack of opportunity. Or so I tell myself. I don’t believe in a soul mate, which means I believe I can fall in love with anyone, anywhere as long as the circumstances are correct but where is that temporary soul mate of mine? Ah, if only I could answer that. Ah, if only it were that easy.

I speak to random people and sometimes I find them easier to handle than old friends. Old friends mean the best (sometimes) but they can bring you down. Subconsciously, or intentionally, their words can hurt you. It’s all so immature. Every comment, every counter attack is just useless. We must deal with and move on. If there’s anything I have learnt in this world is that things change and so does love. It only evolves into hate.

Even though we don’t know it.

done to death

I am curious about something. If I was called upon, maybe in a hot-shot advertising agency to formulate a marketing campaign on chocolate how would I go about doing it?

I know the 'sinfulness' of chocolate is a concept that has been done to death. I am tempted to assume that there might be an execution that is still out there which could be quite mind-blowing but honestly I don't think I have the goods to come up with one. I must say however, that brands by the name of Sin, Original Sin and Tempt don't do anything for me. There is so much competition out there these days it terrifies me. It tells me that unique concepts are running out and in the future, whoever has the best technology, best execution (colours, situational difference) will come out tops. Maybe there will be an award titled ''Best Sinful Chocolate Ad".

How about going back to the original consumers of chocolate? Children. Why not come up with something so delicious, so candy-flossish, so Willy-Wonka-ish that children and adults who enter a store will be transported to an old world atmosphere riddled with an array of chocolate so diverse and colourful it would make Absolut's global campaign executives cast their heads down in shame? Strip off the slick, sexual innuendo and introduce a quiet, suburbia, heady kind of feel to the stores and I am sure it will stand out from the intolerable modernity of cities such as Singapore. Harry Potter worked didn't it?

Oh I know, I know, you probably can come up with a million criticisms to my half-measures but I think I would be willing to try it out. To replicate that ol'worlde shoppe atmosphere could be a very big challenge, but I would love for chocolate marketing to return to its roots and forget about trying to get horny by it, give it as a gift on Valentines but buy it just coz it's purely awesome chocolate and visiting the store itself becomes a trip down to those base childhood memories. However, the marketing for this kind of campaign would have to be relatively small-scale coz we would be playing on the atmosphere on the store to a large extent (the taste of course being priority, but there are soo many delicious chocolates out there) and of course, in the day and age of mass marketing, an idea such as this would possibly only appeal to the everyday entrepreneur and not some hoity-toity conglomerate.

But, niche products have done fantastically well in the past so why reject this idea? Of course the idea is far from original but I think it's a good place to start from. Actually, ripping off the idea from Willy Wonka, don't you think that by creating a personality like him, it would do wonders for sales? I mean WHY NOT place golden tickets in your chocolates and instead of offering Samsung phones or iPods, offer a magical tour of some place you have created.

That's the big picture. And in case you wondered and you were really, really dumb, I'm a big fan of Roald Dahl's book, the old movie and the new movie. I do think however, that Johnny Depp although brilliant in his role, doesn't hold a candle to Gene Wilder's Wonka from the original movie.

I don't know whether to take my idea seriously or not. I mean if I took it seriously, then seriously, there would be nothing serious I could do with the satisfaction of taking it seriously cuz seriously, I have no resources.

thread of continuity? absent

I fall in love with nice people. And that bites.

I must look for better prospects. I have not consciously looked into the bitchy camp, obviously, since i'm not a masochist but hey, maybe one fucking day I will find someone suitable for me.

Also, I've always wondered how people who get offended by words such as fuck etc read stuff like my blog which is bursting with it. I mean seriously how? Do they say it in their heads and feel a certain kind of remorse for even thinking of the word or do they just make an effort not to take it in? I mean do they actually preempt the onslaught of obscenities by replacing them with innocuous words such as making love, music, zodiac signs yadayada? Or, do they mutter some disapproval for the person writing it and move on?

Well anyway it's a thought! If you guys do say it in your heads, then obviously you shouldn't have a problem with saying it aloud right? Especially if it is used to add emphasis to your sentences (it's a short-cut to laying emphasis, it takes a literary mastermind to continually, untiringly place emphasis in a non-obscene manner) and not a malicious way. Of course, my blog has a rather generous helping of both.

Tsk. Tsk. Very indulgent. But don't be too quick to get that distaste for blogs for their self-indulgence. Think of it as just another way of expressing oneself, much like, buying your favorite band's CD, expressing some rather strong/controversial opinion in a conversation which you think borders on intellectualism or even drinking coffee to stay awake and study harder and therefore get good grades which, because of the bell curve, is a statement that your better than most others.

Every criticism has elements of hypocrisy. And.. and.. I have run out of things to blabber about.

little capsules of life

Back in Singapore! I’m happy to be back. Some tiny bit of me misses Colombo but not all that much. I feel a kind of apathy which I felt all through my holidays. I thought getting away from home and family would put me into a better mood but it hasn’t happened. Which means what? My home and family were not to blame in the first place.

It’s just me.

I feel very out of place, like Singapore doesn’t give me the sanctuary I was craving for. Well hopefully this feeling will pass and I shall be happy again. There is nothing in particular that depresses me at the moment but neither is there anything that excites me. I don’t feel like going clubbing (I did for a bit but that desire wore off pretty soon), no mood to watch loads of movies or TV (watching Lost and Six Feet Under, but not getting addicted to it), smoking too much (a legacy of hanging with perpetual smokers back home, not blaming them, coz I lurve them) and sleep always seems like the best option these days. So yeah, fuck it, it will pass. I know it will.

Optimism at its best, wouldn’t you say?

I have a roommate! It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, its NOT bad at all. He’s a very quiet guy very much into his rock music and who keeps to himself. Being a verbose kind of guy I have to pull him into mundane bits of conversation which include asking him which kid he thinks is sweetest in the photograph of baby cousins and then tricking him into believing that one of them is mine. Haha. I swear the look he had on his face was pure hilarity. I make all this up coz except for a moment of confusion it was very unlikely that he believed me. See, what boring topics I have to talk about? Anyway, he is Indian but has been staying in Mauritius for some time. Oh yeah and his name is Ram. He’s out quite a lot of the time and I alternate between feeling relief coz then I get the required amounts of ‘alone time’ (hmm) and jealousy coz he has more of a life than me. It always is a fucking competition for me sometimes. Maybe that’s why I feel apathetic coz I’ve slowed down the pace of my life and tried to be indifferent. Indifference kills by the way.

Chatting quite a bit to Pavs these days. Its really quite funny you know? The moment I have to leave the chat or she does, we say our byes and whatevers and then all of a sudden we feel compelled to leave a by the way or PS and the next thing you know, its 7am and we’re doing the oh-fuck-its-fucking-morning-ok-bye! It is kinda lovely to be able to talk like that. A toast to the silver lining in my not-so-fucked-up life!

I am very removed from what is happening in Colombo. I mean why would I give a fuck? I obviously mean the political killings and sky-rocketing crime rates. What can I feel or think that will be just drastically alter what is going on anyway? Absolutely nothing. So I am not gonna feel anything for something just because it is the right thing to do. I can’t be bothered anymore. But I do feel as if Minister’s sons should be straitjacketed as soon as humanly possible. Drugs should be banned, except weed of course. Alcohol should be served to people above the age of 18. And people should get into the Blue Elephant on a first come, first served basis. There is a possibility that all of these might come true except for that ridiculous comment I made about the Blue Elephant. How can that ever be the case? The Blue will always serve customers based on the amount of alcohol they will buy and those who can will always feel that their popularity with the girls is only because of their fantastic good looks/personality and absolutely nothing to do with the stuffing in their pants. The stuffing’s obviously money. Just thought I would clarify.

I’m being unnecessarily bitter, but we all need to fucking grow up. Being 24, still getting drunk three times a week, marginally employed at poppa’s office, screwing around and being a complete dick to those around you is not a fucking life. Get a clue.

Ok, so if this happens to me, please shut up about it.

soundtrack of life

Opening Credits: Silence- Sarah Mclachlan & Delerium (OST Brokedown Palace)

Waking up: Hayling- FC Kahuna/The Lonely Shepherd- Zamfir (OST Kill Bill)

Average Day: Independence Day- Martina McBride

First Date: Like the deserts miss the rain- Everything but the girl

Falling in Love: Happy Together- K Young/Tere Mere Pyar Sanam- Bombay Vikings

Love Scene: That's All- Michael Buble/Bheegey Honth- OST Murder

Breaking up: Natural Blues- Moby/Unchained Melody- The Righteous Brothers

Getting Back Together: Woh Lamhe- Zeher (?)

Secret Love: They- Jem

Everything's Okay: Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse

Mental Breakdown: Just Another Day- Jon Secada/911- Wyclef Jean feat. Mary J. Blige

Self- Discovery Journey: When Sussanah Cries- Espen Lind

Learning a Lesson: Vindicated- Dashboard Confessionals

Angry: Clouds in my coffee- Carly Simon

Deep Thought: Babylon- David Gray

Flashback: Careless Whisper/Last Christmas- George Michael

Sad: The Blower's Daugher- Damien Rice/Wonderwall- Ryan Adams

High School Scene: If you leave me now- Chicago

Best Friends: Get Busy- Sean Paul/Galvanize- The Chemical Brothers/Turn me on- Kevin Little

Partying: Candy Shop-50 Cent/Hey Mr.Dj- Rihanna

Happy Dance: For my people- Missy Elliot

Sexy Scene: You- Lucy Pearl

One Night Stand: Burn- Usher

Long Night Alone: You are my everything- Mary J.Blige/Angels- Wax Poetic feat. Norah Jones

Closing Credits: Summertime- Fantasia

end of days

Work ended on Friday and it was a pretty good day. I actually finished off whatever was pending and handed it in to the relevant parties. I was working on Procter & Gamble’s Rejoice shampoo which although is an enormously successful international brand (1000 bottles sold per minute), is kind of a dead product in the local market. What I had to do was just do some consumer and trade research to shed some light on what P&G can do to revive the brand in Sri Lanka. Well I had been sitting on the research I had done for over a week so I just had to get it all out and properly put it together in a short, coherent report type of thing. Apart from that, I just hung about taking smoking breaks intermittently with some of my usual smoking buddies, Shehara and Petrina.

During lunch hour, I met up with some of my non-work friends at Commons. I had the teriyaki chicken rice with some trepidation (because, you know, in Singapore, you get some kick-ass teriyaki chicken) but quite wonderfully (?), it tasted great. Now I know, this piece of information is totally boring and interesting to YOU, but for me it was an amazing stroke of luck. How very refreshing. I also went to the mall to get a gift for a friend and weirdly, I bumped into an old friend who gave me a bit of shocking news about himself but let us not get into that here.

After lunch, I came back to the office and went with Shehara to my house to pick up the cream buns and éclairs I had bought to distribute it around the office. It being my last day, I thought, why not treat the people who have figured very deeply in the reason why I enjoyed the internship so much. Anyhow, that went alright since I got a piece of the treat too!

Came back home around 6.30pm and relaxed for a while until Ashanie calls and tells me to come for a drink to the Library. Since I hadn’t seen her for aeons, I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to chill with her and get us both updated on the happenings in our life. Anyway, I get ready around 10 45pm and meet her at the Library and her generous boyfriend just keeps the drinks coming. It was SO nice to sip screwdrivers for once, especially after having drunk hundreds of litres of arrack & coke over the past 3 months. Needless to say, the party didn’t end there. We continued onto R’n’B which is a pub-club type thing very close to where I live. Ash’s boyfriend’s good friend was there too and he entertained us with stories about hostile cervixes, sperm motility, umbilical cords and bleeding vaginas. In case you didn’t guess already, he is a gynaecologist! Very fun!

Met up with Shavanka at R’n’B and had a jolly good time getting absolutely wasted. By the time the festivities ended, it was around 3am. Shavanka and I dropped Ash home and then drove around for a while because I was sooo not in a state to go home!! Anyway, it was 4am by the time I reached home and thank the lord, mum was pretty much comatose so didn’t get into any trouble. I woke up the next morning in a bit of a panic because I couldn’t remember where I had hidden my cigarettes but luckily for me, I opened up the book cupboard and there they were, in plain sight! So trouble was fully averted.

The rest of the morning, afternoon and evening were spent in zombie-like state as I slowly got over my hangover and prepared myself for another night of partying ahead of me. Some of the guys at LB and a few friends thought they would throw me a farewell party/get-together type thing and I of course didn’t complain. Anyway, it was held at Arun’s flat which is right opposite the prison but ironically so, his flat looked anything but sinister. Arun’s a guy who works in the creative department at LB and until yesterday I didn’t realize he’s a very cool guy.

You would think that interning for two months at a place chock full of party-animals would have prepared me for the amount of high-inducing materials floating around at this party, but you would have thought wrong. There was at the very least, lots of booze. Old Reserve arrack is the only way to go! Then there were smokes, as usual. Lots of weed, yay! Jelly shots! Liquor chocolates! The Complete Works! Even Shakespeare would have stared in shock and disbelief with naughty thoughts running through his head. By 2.30 we were all pretty much gone and we decided that it was a good time to go home. I had so much fun!

Anyhow, I’m pretty bored with this post so I shall end now.

Oh fuck… no work tomorrow. What the fuck am I going to do?

Sleep? Sounds good lah.
Must stop having conversations with myself. Resolution #1.

pain.

I see all. I see the discreet looks of affection. I see the masks of indifference. I see the subtle allocation of space; of seats; of moments. I see the signs. Smoke, toxic smoke.

Yet I don’t see the flames. I introspect in retrospect but hope never wavers until I am caught up in a tangle of thoughts, fears and scars.

gushing

Oh man. My last day at work is coming up this Friday. If I had thought about this day all the way back in the first week of work my face would have lit up like a damn Vesak pandol. However, now I don’t know what the hell to think! I know all this is possibly the usual idealization process one goes through when something comes to an end (a topic I have dealt with both implicitly and explicitly in previous posts) but I do feel intensely sad.

It’s the people I will miss. Definitely. It’s quite unbelievable that almost all the people in this firm are friendly and willing to really let their hair down (or hair up with some gel) and have a complete blast. Oh god. I think if there was ever a person to gush about Leo Burnett Solutions Sri Lanka it would be me. The brainwashing certainly worked!! If this is the effect firms like LB intend to have on their interns, then it completely worked on me. Right now, I feel like I am the biggest advocate for the firm.

It does seem appropriate to mention that I am not in the ideal position to actually comment on how good/bad LB is as a firm. It seems nice, but I’m only a lowly intern so how can I make a fully informed evaluation? Anyway, who said I needed to be objective to have an opinion? Yes, your right, NO ONE! I think it would be a lovely place to work or at the very least, hang with the people in the office!! There’s a quote in this book I was reading that says, advertising is the rock n’roll of the business world! I know I messed up the quote someway but u betta have got the point!

I think the reason why I feel an intense sadness is coz my need for affiliation is not being fulfilled. There’s a huge history behind the lives and relationships of the people working at LB and life’s just gonna continue as per normal after I leave, so where do I stand? Have I made an impact on ANYONE’S life? I feel as I have made good friends in the 2 months I’ve worked here but is it reciprocated? Does it matter? Do I have to know? I know ignorance is bliss but…but.. I mean should all this analysis even happen as long as I have enjoyed myself? A friend told me sometime back that I should stop trying to please everyone coz I am the only one who will end up hurt and disappointed but I am not trying to please EVERYONE. It’s just the people I care about that matter, i.e. my friends. Oh man, in other words, I just want to be loved. Yeah, yeah, I’ve said it again and to some extent I’m not ashamed to say it!

You see what a pointless argument this is? It’s downright annoying. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be secure. I want to know that I have enhanced someone’s life in some little way. Maybe that’s egotistic (egoistic?) of me but flattery gets you everywhere don’t you think? Ha ha. Trivializing things helps. But if you trivialize things (things you have built up before) that others deem trivial anyway, does that redeem yourself in their eyes? This is all convoluted! My questions never have any sure-shot answers do you realize?

I end this post as confused as ever.

choice dependency

Last night I got locked in my room. I had just changed into my house clothes after coming back from work when I tried the door and it refused to open. We have had similar problems like this before so I thought with a little pushing the door would just fly open. That was not to be unfortunately because it was only after 50 minutes of frustration that the key-cutter, Yusuf, came over and mutilated our lock so much that the door just popped open. Never have I been so relieved to see the rest of my house!

It just goes to show that when we do not have the choice to do anything else we immediately feel our present circumstances are crap. I mean the room itself is a perfect place to chill since it has everything I need in it (except food). My books, laptop, music, water, air-conditioner are all encapsulated in that tiny little room. But just because I was locked in there, I really, really needed to get out. It was strange. We are a bunch of malcontents because the grass is truly greener on the other side, but eventually it’s never green enough. I could have waited in that room for hours on end and not have had the slightest urge to get out but this craving, this addiction for the outside came over me and I got a bit freaked out. I think my claustrophobia was just a subset of some fundamental truth about who we are and we exist in this world. Having the choice to do something else is the key to my peace of mind but that doesn’t mean those choices are amazing or even remotely accessible.

I also got to thinking about how very dependent we are on the most mundane things in life. I mean the fricking lock fell apart and I couldn’t get out for 50 minutes. Oh sure, sure, not a big deal at all but what if no one had been at home to open the door for key-cutter? Serious shit lah. On similar lines, take the telephone. If your phone is out of order, you can’t call your grocery store for your daily order, you can’t connect to the internet, you can’t call the key-cutter when you want them. It’s all about being inconvenienced; we just can’t take it. Imagine, if we somehow apparated into the 14^th century and had to travel on horseback for 22 days to see a priest so he could see a medicine man? Or tell someone his wife was sleeping with someone else?

It’s so hot. I can’t take it.

impulsion/compulsion

24^th July 2005
18:55 hours

I have just come back from a trip to Ginigathena in the hills of Sri Lanka. I am dog tired but I need to get this down before my memories fade and my emotions become diluted. I know I am going against an oath I gave at the moment we parted (which was never to repeat, re-enact or write anything to anyone other than our group about what happened on the trip), but I don’t really care since the only people who read my blog are either not connected with the people I went with or people I went with on the trip.

Well so anyway let me start. My work colleague calls me into her office on Friday morning and tells me that they are leaving on a trip right after work on that day and asks me whether I would like to come along. I thought about it and since I am leaving work in less than a week, I said okay, even though I knew my mother was very angry about me going. I go home after work, change and pack and come back to the office. I hang with my two ‘homies’ until we set off.

I was in a vehicle with a guy called Ranga who was driving, Mehnaz, Mat and Shyala. At that time I didn’t know, but I found out on the way that there were 13 of us altogether who were going. This seems like a good time to say the names. Karyll’s a person who works at LB and she is, I think, the funniest person alive. Her humour is very dead-pan and I just lap up every joke of hers with an awful-sounding laugh. She’s the one who organized the whole trip and every bit of the trip was enhanced by her presence. A clink-clink to her. She also realized that she knew my sister in primary school and her reaction went like this, ‘OMG FUCK A DUCK…. YOUR GINA’S LITTLE BROTHER????’ Petrina is also from LB and she is Karyll’s very good friend. She and her boyfriend Shohan are very nice people and great company. She is also very good looking. He he. Shohan’s supposed to be a complete sport; he apparently will fit in anywhere with anyone and I can believe that. Then there was Shehara, the pierced chick in previous posts and fellow cigarette-break taker. Sala (a.k.a Magic box), Brandon (a.k.a flamboyant one), Eshara (a.k.a Aussie-mate) were all there too. Sala and Brandon both work at J. Walter Thompson, a rival advertising agency. Eshara is Shehara’s (tongue twisted already?) cousin and is getting married in December. They are all very good company. Then there is Mehnaz who also works at LB and has been ever since its establishment in Sri Lanka 6 years ago. His friend Ranga, a quiet guy into producing music and a complete gadget freak. He has an Acer Ferrari laptop, a Nokia palmtop/phone and a gadget that emits a laser attached to his windscreen to detect a Police speed detector from a distance of almost 1km so that he can slow down and pass by without a hitch. Amazing. Very nice guy. There was also Nicolas, a French intern just recently joined for about six months. He just about showed his ass to everyone around 4 times during the trip and he had a good time even though he is very quiet. Then comes Shyala (a.k.a angel-eyes) who is very sweet and a genuinely nice person. She has this peculiar habit of arguing with you that starts off quite explosively. Fortunately for her, we enjoy these outbursts and I, for one will tease her about this till I go back which again, fortunately for her is only about a week away. Sob. Last but not least is my boss, Mat. Mat is also a peculiar creature. He is very outdoorsy which can be QUITE tiresome if you are a city-boy like me coz we have vastly differing opinions about EVERYTHING in life, but it is nice to have a little debate in your life. Being a very intense person he doesn’t talk much but he has an interesting views on life and when he does talk, you know it’s going to make you laugh or grind your teeth in frustration because when trees fall in the forest, irrespective of whether you were there or not, they MAKE A NOISE!!!!

Anyway when we arrived at our bungalow it was about 10pm. It was an awesome place. The house was situated on a small hill and it was surrounded on one side by a tea estate and on the other just a forest. In the backdrop there were hills with swirls of mist at their summits. The mist was just swirling about and coming down to our level at times and then retreating. Very peaceful and nice. We could even see the white-water rapids in the distance. There were papaw trees in which hornbills sat and pecked at the ripe fruit. In addition to papaw trees, there were rambutan, mangosteen and even jambu trees on the premises of the bungalow. The place had a natural water pool in which water from the wells get filtered into the pool. It was gorgeous. It was absolute heaven to sit on the porch, drinking tea in the morning and potent liquids at night and letting the feel of the place just wash over you.

The drinking started at around 11pm after a spot of dinner. The music played while all of us sat around drinking and shooting the shit around till around 4.30am. Brandon and Sala sang vulgar songs for us and Karyll provided the accompanying instruments (two plastic bottles of Pepsi and Sprite) with regular spurts of ‘Ah-Ah’. It was thoroughly entertaining. In my drunken state I made regular trips to the room where Shy and Mat were and had conversations with them insisting vigorously that I was not that drunk and I would be able to remember everything about the conversation the next morning. As you can see, I did. Smugness. :p

Later on in the morning, I was woken up by Mat at 7fuckingAM. Nicolas, Shyala, Mat, Shohan and I drove to the reservoir close by to take photographs and just chill. We had tea in a small joint built on a tree and since we were not satisfied by our adventures decided to drive around more to see what more we could do. Shohan then stops over at a place which has a board saying ‘this was the place where ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ was filmed’. Obviously we had to check it out. Like smart arses, however, we decided not to use the usual path, instead opting for a less-used path. We took a raft/ferry of sorts over the river to the other side and trekked a pretty long path down to a lake. You won’t believe this but even though the film was made here, there is no indication whatsoever to say that Hollywood has touched this place with its magic Oscar winning wand. You know why? Coz the Bridge was blown up in the movie. So the Bridge has to be there only in spirit for those who decide to come there to see it. Especially those who use the less-used path. So, we trek and trek and trek and finally we come to the river which can only be accessed if you walk around 15 metres down some rocks. I thought it looked like any normal thing until Nicolas tried to surf down these slippery rocks. He tried it but he immediately slipped down on his butt and on his butt he skidded down 10 metres at least. All of us just cracked up. That image is seared in my mind. They say what goes around, comes around and the next moment I fell down hard on my ass. I got up and fell again. Finally I slowly slid down to the sandy beach. I dreaded going back up again but my boss helped me up and even though I felt quite inadequate, I was very, very grateful. Still it was fun to come there and I have no regrets. Also one can’t forget the leeches. The area was infested with these blood-sucking bastards and each of us got at least one bite on our legs and elsewhere in much darker places. These creatures roll themselves into almost an invisible ball on the ground. When you step on them, they uncoil themselves and latch onto the furrows on your shoe. They make their way slow and steady up the shoe to your legs and then latch themselves on your flesh and just keep on sucking blood until (1). You discover it and pull it off by rubbing salt on it (2). You discover it and burn it off with a cigarette lighter (3). You discover it and decide to pull it out whereby which their teeth get left behind making you a primary target for infection (4) You do not discover it and it sucks up to its fill and falls off which leaves you a little bloody since it takes extra long for the wound to clot up and (5) You do not discover it and it sucks your blood until it explodes and you are left stained by the blood which has just been sucked out of your bloodstream. And very rarely, according to a newspaper report seen only by Karyll, the leech crawls up your vagina (if you have one) and lays its eggs there and you bleed profusely till you die of infection if you are not operated on immediately.

In the afternoon, this time all of us decide to venture out for another adventure. We pack a picnic and set out to see the Aberdeen waterfalls which are about an hour away. After we get to the place, we park our vehicles and start walking ourselves to the waterfall. This time, there were more people around and it was quite fun to walk down these paths with occasional hysterical screams from Petrina, Eshara and Brandon about attacking leeches. However, Karyll couldn’t do it coz her knees were just about to give way so myself, Petrina and Brandon decide to wait with her and not go to the waterfall. I was quite glad to get out of it coz I’m not a very confident person and I feel my lack of confidence just slows the group down and I’d rather let down myself than the group. So I stayed behind. It was quite fun to chat with these three and we walked back to the vehicles to wait for the rest of the group. We talked about blow jobs, sex in strange situations and how fucking annoying the leeches were until they came back 2 frickking hours later!!! Anyway, the drive back was VERY enjoyable as I placed by butt on the door of the car and hoisted myself outside and held on to the roof the car. It was really exhilarating to feel the wind blow through my hair and the sting of the cold on my cheeks. We bought more beer and cigarettes on the way back to our bungalow.

All of rested awhile before getting into some action again. Myself, Shyala, Karyll and Mat had a good talk before being called for drinks at 9pm. It was as usual a talk about sex, noisy sex, Burgher life and Harry Potter. Over rum and cokes we played ‘I Never’ and we found out some interesting things about various different people. Some of the stuff that ‘came out’ were related to bondage, sex with fruits, gay kisses, pissing in the pool and having fantasies about teachers. As you can see, the subject never strays too far from sex. Sex is the universal language as we soon found out in the next game which was ‘Truth, Dare or Kiss’. Again, without mentioning names, some of the stuff we did were as follows: miming masturbation and going down techniques, running naked, kissing nipples, licking ears and noses etc etc. Unbelievable. After a round of ghost stories, stalker stories and creepy stories we all retire to our beds at the very early hour of 1.30am.

Miraculously we all got to sleep till 9am hence explaining the lack of a hangover. We then shoot the shit a little longer over a cup of tea and a cigarette. Myself and Shehara decide to go for a walk to the natural pool and she dares me to get in. I strip down to my boxers and jump (well walk) in. It was freezing cold and quite enjoyable. The pool was 14 feet in the deep end and since it was un-chlorinated it felt strangely invigorating. I was one with nature. Ha Ha. A whole load of people get jealous of me and Shehara swimming and they too decide to get in. Turns out to be a hell of a lot of fun!

All of us then decide to have our breakfasted which consisted of a sausage-tomato-onion-sauce mix, coconut roti, baked beans and butter. Turns out to be an absolutely amazing breakfast. I don’t know whether this is all exaggeration but I did feel a sense of pleasure washing over me while I was eating. I distinctly remember it!!!

After breakfast, Karyll regaled Mat, Shy and I (and random people who walked in from time to time) with stories about her illustrious Burgher life and both of us were captivated. Unfortunately, we then had to pack and come home. Before leaving the place we took a whole load of group photographs and got into our cars and began our journey back. I sound like some foreigner but you know what, I am! I mean why won’t anyone believe I am a Caucasian white male?

Le Sígh. La Sób. Good memories. Few regrets. Just the way I like it. The trip was an entire package of good experiences and I am prepared to ignore the fact that I over-smoked, was a bit constipated and finally realized that I am capable of loving a person. Anyway, small price to pay to hang with such a classic bunch of people.

V.good.

PS. I have just realized how fucked up my tense usage is in this post. Oh shit, I just realized that the tense usage has been fucked up in the past few posts too. Please forgive the bad grammar.

digression?

I have a feeling that BBC will continue airing special reports on the London Bombings until another bomb goes off in their (London’s, not the BBC’s) damn subways. Obviously it is a great disaster in which 50+ people died, but come on now, we all know this is an atrocious incident carried out by the most evil perpetrators of our time but this kind of thing happens all the time! All of a sudden, this is being compared to the 9/11 events, which I guess, in principle, is justified, but we have come too far since then, and all we could think of when Blair gave his speech in the House of Lords was, oh shit, here comes another war on ‘terror’.

It doesn’t seem worthwhile for people like us also to keep repeating the injustice of the London Bombings in the world media especially considering how little attention (and action) the bombings at the Bank of Ceylon got in January of 1996. We just have to accept that all politicians are hypocrites and if they’re not faced with the problem first-hand (and sometimes even then), they will never understand and empathise with what they’re so-called diplomatic partners and friends are facing on the other side of the globe. If we don’t play a vital role in their own economic development we will never capture the attention we seek in actively resolving a problem that was so pervasive in the 80’s and 90’s in Sri Lanka. Luckily for us, the terrorist problem, although always looming, is slightly less threatening to the lives of Sri Lankans these days but we don’t owe anything to the U.S or the U.K for this state of affairs.

Perhaps our thanks should go to both the LTTE and the government for inflicting upon the population of Sri Lanka chain after chain of terror that has corroded the mettle of both parties to such an extent that pursuing an uncompromising stance is just too inhuman and cruel. It’s true isn’t it? All these years, individuals all over the island have been rejecting the call for war and finally the realization is sinking in that who the fuck really wants to lose their parents, children, family and friends for something that is so useless fighting for? Idealistic as this might seem, why can’t we just live on equal terms? Perhaps I am too removed from the core of things to actually comment but it seems simple enough to me. You won’t have to give anything of yourself away just to make someone stand on the same platform (pedestal) as you. You really won’t. It just takes some humility and a hell of a lot less insecurity.

I am very laissez faire about these things and I certainly do not feel strongly about the above topic but I am truly an objective person and I see no trouble in giving all the people around us the same rights as anyone. I wouldn’t mind a Tamil getting his due; neither will I have any trouble seeing a woman getting hers. Oh I know how rubbish all this might sound but yeah, that is my viewpoint. It’s nothing more, nothing less than just my humble (??) viewpoint.

It’s just my call to the world out there to be a little more sensible. And don’t get me started certain factions of the clergy. Oh wait, let me get a little started on the topic. Our clergy is littered with people who extol the virtues of Buddhism but apart from the superficial labels of Buddhism, such as the orange robes and the sacred looks they give us, where are the truly Buddhist actions of non-violence and understanding? It’s just hideous, sacrilegious activity wrapped up in robes that are fast losing the respect and credibility that they used to give. Hopefully someone will understand that is just some ploy to fly over and above the radar. And DO something about it.

I feel entirely empty as I finish off this post. It’s terribly useless of me to talk because that is all people do. The apathy one feels when talking about a political issue is classic because one does not contribute anything to anything. Perhaps your sense of smugness increases but there is nothing to show for it at the end of the day. It’s so useless that I don’t even know how to complete this post with a decent ending. So this seems to be an appropriate place to just stop.

melting pot

What is more frustrating than having a hangover at work, muscles hurting from doing weights for the first time, mum having a nervous and mental breakdown at home, no money and no work at work?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. I have got over it.

The cause of the hangover was going to Glow for a party that was ‘by invitation only’. I thought since there was an official party organized at Glow there would be something different happening. But no, it was the same thing. The same ol’ cliques and the same old affectations.

Don’t get me wrong here, I partake in all these affectations too but I do not derive fun from them. I think its some part of me that switches onto auto-pilot because these cliques and these affectations were what I used to look up to when I was in school living my life, quite happily (or rather, as it turns out, not so happily), as the class-geek.

I just about had a good time because I was soaking up the drinks as usual (explaining the head-torture the morning after) and my friend Ishani and I had about two good dances on the floor before strolling off into a world where politics engulfed her and left me… not really stranded but bereft of any faith I had in her. Things like this do not affect me but I hate hearing some bit of good sense about 3 minutes before an unpardonable lack of judgment. Especially when this bit of good sense comes out so easily and so well-oiled to make me think that.. ahh… yes.. I know exactly what goes in your life because you have told me all about it. It’s not that I am hurt because I don’t get told things about her personal affairs but it’s this mentality that my questions will go un-answered until she feels comfortable about telling me stuff. I understand and empathize with this all the way but the problem I have is that she only reaches this comfort zone when she is willing to rant out morsels of the problem, conveniently ignoring the fact that she has never told me what exactly the problem was.

Anyway, none of you will understand the above but I needed to get that out of my system and articulate mentally what I really thought about it.

Lifting weights has got to be the most liberating thing in the world. NOT. A friend once told me that when he did weights it felt awful but after you did them, you felt awesome because the blood rushed into your limbs and sometimes even made you horny. SO, I expected that kind of effect when I did weights but sadly that was not to be. If I could have managed an erection it would have only been through several doses of Viagra! I felt sick, tired and completely drained out. As soon as I stretched my arm, it cramped. As soon as I scratched my back, my hand would refuse to go beyond the small of my back. It was crazy. But it’s been 7 days since I started this post so the memories of the pain have faded remarkably and I am planning on going to the gym today.

Mum’s nervous and mental breakdown? It’s a long, sad story and I really don’t feel like going into on my blog for everyone to see.

No work at work? The end of last week was kind of slow because all my superiors got caught up with their own big projects and the interns were basically free to do anything they liked. This is not as fun as it sounds because if I am not doing anything at work, I’d rather be home in bed watching a movie, instead of chilling in the office (which is kind of fun but…but… u know… it’s a different kind of fun that is derived. Almost like fun burning at a lower-frequency… more or less like we’re trying our best with the situation at hand).

Anyway, like I said, that post was made seven days ago so different things have happened since then. Well not really, since work is still relatively boring, because myself and a French intern have been put in charge of some small projects and he has not turned up to work today. So the work I have done so far just has to be compiled with his (not possible today). Anyway, because I am going back home early today (coz of some bank/accommodation work) I am just chilling for the moment.

As you might have realized from the present tense I use in the above sentences, this blog post is materializing from the creative recesses of my mind which is currently inside of a body that has just to come to the office. That is right, I am blogging from work!!!!! Cool? Or not? Hmmm. I don’t know. I’d rather be doing work.

Ahh yes, the different things that have happened over the past week are:

#1. Movie night @ office. Kind of cool coz they screened Star Wars: The Attack of the Sith. There was popcorn, spicy mixture, savoury biscuits, orange-juice, Vodka and rum. FACT: Physical presence of intoxicating liquids does not equate to actual consumption. The movie was not good. I did not like any part of the movie except perhaps the special effects which were to some extent tainted by the stupidity of machines that only beeped (are WE supposed to understand that is something we should just not understand?) and god-awful dialogue.

#2. Food-Poisoning. Woke up on Sunday feeling quite bad. Felt the acid rolling about in my system. I felt like little ‘cute’ ulcers were popping up in my stomach and festering because the acid was just rolling onto them. Then I puked. And the puke just kept on coming. And then I purged.. and purged.. and purged… and… you get the picture. Not a very good day. By night I was wishing that work never existed but I did go to work…. Yay… how fucking disciplined I have become. No really, it is not such a great thing for me to show up to work when I was sick coz so many other people do it all the time in much sicker, more stressful situations. It’s just one of those things you got to accept and stop being a spoilt brat about.

I’m not at work any more. This blog post is taking ages to write. I am at home now, waiting till the water heats up enough to give me a soothing shower after a good work out at the gym. My version of a good work out is, I am sure, not even close to what other, much fitter people consider a reasonable work out but what the fuck, if I feel I got a good work out, then I did!

These internal battles have got to stop. But what the fuck, this is my blog and I can fight with anyone I feel I like! Ok? Ok? Bring it on bitch! Touché.

Hmmm.

Anyway, I just got to know that my appeal for on-campus accommodation was successful! Yay! I am so happy that I don’t have to move out to some lonely ol’single room somewhere a few bus stops out of campus. Seriously, the heartlands of Singapore depress me no end. Sure, if I have friends living with me, then I could stand it coz u know, there will be good company and alcohol etc. but if I have to live alone then I shall just brood myself into some pitiful catatonic state. I am a bit of a snob. I am a very material person and I really do want to live in some fancy-shmantzy place in Orchard or something… yeah yeah… wishful thinking but a guy’s got to dream right?

The bad news about me living on campus is that I have to live with somebody. Ergh. Yeah, I have to share a double room. SUXXXXXXXXXXX. FUXXXX. Seriously, shit! My porn habits are atrocious! And if I can’t masturbate when I feel like, I will die. I seriously will. I can’t go hiding my erections again!!!!! I can’t!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully my roommate is some exchange student who will be out all the time and will give me privacy… yay! But he could be some pitiful nerdy boy (read: Chinese) who never leaves the room unless for coffee or a piss or to take out some library books. Oh god, these negative thoughts have got to stop. Hopefully, there is a silver lining in all this. I mean a silver lining beyond not living out of campus. Yeah, yeah, I’m an ungrateful arse. But what to do lah?

Anyway, I got to go shower. Dinner at 9pm at The Pavilion with some friends I have not met in some time. I think it will be very boring but it could just turn out to be quite fun. These things have a way of being so much fun when you have such low expectations. Don’t you think me having low expectations from FRIENDS is a bit screwed up? I mean I should like really depend on them and stuff right? But I think I’m better off this way coz then I don’t get disappointed too much when things don’t go my way. Anyway, high expectations never did anything good for anyone. I have spent the last 8 years having such high expectations and in that process living those 8 years in some state or version of hurt about something or someone. So I am learning not to be like that coz it just hurts everything around you. Some people perceive you as indifferent but like I said, life’s too short for you to be worried about what everyone thinks about.

I am a hypocrite. I also love to write.

Hokay? :p

P.S Back in office again and ready to go. We did not go to The Pavilion last night. We went to La Rambla. It was cool. The esquillade was vveryyyy tasty. Had coffee, had cigarettes and came home. Peaceful night.