Being needy is a problem I have. The person I'm being needy towards feels a sense of power over me (quite naturally) but I do admit, when I am at my peak I can and do get way too overbearing with the guilt trips and sarcasm laced with hopeful hurt. Curiously, other people I am generally close to or very good friends with (and have no problem with coz I really do love them) feel I am being insensitive towards them..... It might or might not be true but I certainly do feel for them, perhaps not to the extent of being absolutely sensitive because honestly, I am a self-centred person. It doesn't mean I don't care though. I do. Maybe not in the way they want to be cared for. And honestly, people who accuse me of being insensitive are no where close to being sensitive and I have tried very hard to get over the feelings of hurt that inevitably start to corrode a relationship. Some people call me a doormat but if that is a price I need to pay for not feeling continuous anger then so be it. Unfortunately, when this is pointed out to me by a third person I get angry with myself and become very embarrassed but it is only a brief moment of time before I recede into a cultivated sense of implacability.
That all got shot into hell yesterday. I experienced a crisis. My exam was in less that 12 hours and my preparation wasn't going well. I was having trouble concentrating and my usual remedy- a short chat with a friend or two, or atleast their comforting physical presence-couldn't be indulged in. Everyone was out. Everyone had gone to watch the latest Potter movie (a week after I had watched it I must add, ha ha) and it was terrible. I literally watched myself go to pieces. Perhaps that's a tad dramatic you think? I didn't think so. During exams, ironically, my cigarette consumption goes down and I feel a sense of jittery confidence that usually is well justified. Well, this time around, that confidence was nowhere in sight and I became a fucking chimney. I smoked 12 cigarettes in a little over 2 hours and I was getting the munchies for more. I was itching for company and inevitably, this itch dulled itself with me pouring out the self-pity. This was no fault of anyone's but mine and it drove me crazy. I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't help myself. Is this what one does when one is so insecure. Perhaps. I also felt a bit hurt because you never want to be the back-up friend. It coming at a time like this was just added fuel to the fire. I have grown over the past 3 years and I have been introduced to this concept of a ''back-up friend'' many times before, and I would never subject anyone to this feeling of inadequacy. It's like that now and it will always be like that because I am not a bastard.
Luckily a friend came over and we talked and it all seemed okay. In fact, it was miraculous. I am very grateful.
I overreacted, I know, but it's got me thinking. What IS the point of being sensitive? The buck should stop here.
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Welcome to my world! :P
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