blue balls

everybody I have been in contact with since I came back to Singapore has noticed at one auspicious time or another that I have been cranky and have been lapsing into periods of very awkward silences. Well that has passed! I feel cheerful these days; there seems to be no need for me to be unsociable. You know why? Because, when I do feel unsociable, I am perfectly happy sitting in my room watching a movie, chatting, studying, drinking coffee and smoking. I feel no obligation to go out and hang with friends if I don't want to. I think my problem before was that I always went out and immersed myself in company even when I knew perfectly well I would end up having a miserable time. I know exactly how it works. First, I feel tired, then some sort of resentment towards present company (however unjustified), then periods of zoning out, then periods of making an effort, then a headache and then full-blown anger towards the people I am with. And most of the time, the anger just stays in but when it comes out, I am snappish, mean, rude, below-the-belt. Oh I know this will sound sexist, but its exactly how sooo many of girlfriends are when they have their period.

It's never good to treat a friend like some kind of sounding board, but it helps time to time. I would hate people treating me like a punching bag, but there are degrees to which I can be pushed to accept and this is perfectly fine if I can have this privilege too. Ha Ha.

On a side-note, I just finished watching the eighth episode of the final season of Six Feet Under. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. It's sad. I cried. I went to the HBO site and read the synopses of the rest of the episodes too and I cried more. I feel like I've lost a family because this series is the best show I've ever watched (withSATCbitch) and has taken me through some good times while I've been in NUS. It's also been a conversation topic with a few of my bestest friends. I want to sob again. I am bereaved. I need help. Psychiatric help.

On another side-note, my roommate always knocks on the door whenever I start masturbating. I haven't had any relief in dayyssss! I'm horny as fuck. I'm hoping I get some tomorrow. Some real, unadulterated fun!!!!!! woo hoo!!!