striptease for me baby

how nice would it be if one could just do anything one wanted, without feeling that one would offend or piss off anyone else, or just that you didn't care even if you did?

I would love to tell the taxi driver to stuff it if he started talking to me and I didn't feel like reciprocating, which is most of the time. I would really relish the opportunity to slap all those people who try to get on to the bus without waiting for people to get out. With campus bursting at its seams these days, this is something that occurs on a daily basis. I really don't know how to deal with my anger when people at the bus stop push themselves up even though they know that people are still pushing their way out of the damn bus. The other day I called a girl an asshole when she did it and even though she was a fucking bitch to do what she did, the look on her face-one of pure terror-is something I am quite ashamed of. It's like my head just implodes when something like this happens. It's pretty scary when you come to think of it because I really do think I might be regressing into a childhood characterized by a very bad temper.

I normally get annoyed with over-zealous taxi drivers and the bus people, but the anger is never concentrated enough to verbalize itself. That my dears, is fucking scary.

The queue's in Singapore are something I have never had the patience for but over time I have come to deal with them (mostly by calling a cab, walking to a smaller one, or smoking excessively to while away the time). Of recent times, however, I just become rude, crotchety and downright mean when it comes to standing in queues. I am ashamed to tell you that even though the people at the PGP canteen have been nothing but nice to me, I just snap out my order and wait in silence for my food to come, even though they look at me and try to start a conversation. My behavior is shockingly disgraceful but what does one do when one feels so alienated and unsociable? I wish I didn't have to venture out into the open but I can't be expected to cook my own food, manufacture my own medicine or wash my clothes in my room.

Anyway, let us all hold each other's hands and hope that all of this is just a phase. However, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly before and after all the touching.

sensation

It went down my throat. It felt fucking good. The fumes finally took effect. Their necessary effect. Why do I stick to the sticks? It only complements, it satisfies, completely, wholly when there is a glass in my hand, full of that bourbon and Bacardi. Yet the cigarettes take over my life. The drink encroaches on my life but the smoke asphyxiates me. And guess what? I like it. Hell, I love it.

The concept of being an undergraduate has been exploited. Terribly.

I struggle to understand why I am not yet in love, why no one is in love with me. I tell myself that maybe I am sinking but that is such a fucking cliché. It’s really a lack of opportunity. Or so I tell myself. I don’t believe in a soul mate, which means I believe I can fall in love with anyone, anywhere as long as the circumstances are correct but where is that temporary soul mate of mine? Ah, if only I could answer that. Ah, if only it were that easy.

I speak to random people and sometimes I find them easier to handle than old friends. Old friends mean the best (sometimes) but they can bring you down. Subconsciously, or intentionally, their words can hurt you. It’s all so immature. Every comment, every counter attack is just useless. We must deal with and move on. If there’s anything I have learnt in this world is that things change and so does love. It only evolves into hate.

Even though we don’t know it.

done to death

I am curious about something. If I was called upon, maybe in a hot-shot advertising agency to formulate a marketing campaign on chocolate how would I go about doing it?

I know the 'sinfulness' of chocolate is a concept that has been done to death. I am tempted to assume that there might be an execution that is still out there which could be quite mind-blowing but honestly I don't think I have the goods to come up with one. I must say however, that brands by the name of Sin, Original Sin and Tempt don't do anything for me. There is so much competition out there these days it terrifies me. It tells me that unique concepts are running out and in the future, whoever has the best technology, best execution (colours, situational difference) will come out tops. Maybe there will be an award titled ''Best Sinful Chocolate Ad".

How about going back to the original consumers of chocolate? Children. Why not come up with something so delicious, so candy-flossish, so Willy-Wonka-ish that children and adults who enter a store will be transported to an old world atmosphere riddled with an array of chocolate so diverse and colourful it would make Absolut's global campaign executives cast their heads down in shame? Strip off the slick, sexual innuendo and introduce a quiet, suburbia, heady kind of feel to the stores and I am sure it will stand out from the intolerable modernity of cities such as Singapore. Harry Potter worked didn't it?

Oh I know, I know, you probably can come up with a million criticisms to my half-measures but I think I would be willing to try it out. To replicate that ol'worlde shoppe atmosphere could be a very big challenge, but I would love for chocolate marketing to return to its roots and forget about trying to get horny by it, give it as a gift on Valentines but buy it just coz it's purely awesome chocolate and visiting the store itself becomes a trip down to those base childhood memories. However, the marketing for this kind of campaign would have to be relatively small-scale coz we would be playing on the atmosphere on the store to a large extent (the taste of course being priority, but there are soo many delicious chocolates out there) and of course, in the day and age of mass marketing, an idea such as this would possibly only appeal to the everyday entrepreneur and not some hoity-toity conglomerate.

But, niche products have done fantastically well in the past so why reject this idea? Of course the idea is far from original but I think it's a good place to start from. Actually, ripping off the idea from Willy Wonka, don't you think that by creating a personality like him, it would do wonders for sales? I mean WHY NOT place golden tickets in your chocolates and instead of offering Samsung phones or iPods, offer a magical tour of some place you have created.

That's the big picture. And in case you wondered and you were really, really dumb, I'm a big fan of Roald Dahl's book, the old movie and the new movie. I do think however, that Johnny Depp although brilliant in his role, doesn't hold a candle to Gene Wilder's Wonka from the original movie.

I don't know whether to take my idea seriously or not. I mean if I took it seriously, then seriously, there would be nothing serious I could do with the satisfaction of taking it seriously cuz seriously, I have no resources.

thread of continuity? absent

I fall in love with nice people. And that bites.

I must look for better prospects. I have not consciously looked into the bitchy camp, obviously, since i'm not a masochist but hey, maybe one fucking day I will find someone suitable for me.

Also, I've always wondered how people who get offended by words such as fuck etc read stuff like my blog which is bursting with it. I mean seriously how? Do they say it in their heads and feel a certain kind of remorse for even thinking of the word or do they just make an effort not to take it in? I mean do they actually preempt the onslaught of obscenities by replacing them with innocuous words such as making love, music, zodiac signs yadayada? Or, do they mutter some disapproval for the person writing it and move on?

Well anyway it's a thought! If you guys do say it in your heads, then obviously you shouldn't have a problem with saying it aloud right? Especially if it is used to add emphasis to your sentences (it's a short-cut to laying emphasis, it takes a literary mastermind to continually, untiringly place emphasis in a non-obscene manner) and not a malicious way. Of course, my blog has a rather generous helping of both.

Tsk. Tsk. Very indulgent. But don't be too quick to get that distaste for blogs for their self-indulgence. Think of it as just another way of expressing oneself, much like, buying your favorite band's CD, expressing some rather strong/controversial opinion in a conversation which you think borders on intellectualism or even drinking coffee to stay awake and study harder and therefore get good grades which, because of the bell curve, is a statement that your better than most others.

Every criticism has elements of hypocrisy. And.. and.. I have run out of things to blabber about.

little capsules of life

Back in Singapore! I’m happy to be back. Some tiny bit of me misses Colombo but not all that much. I feel a kind of apathy which I felt all through my holidays. I thought getting away from home and family would put me into a better mood but it hasn’t happened. Which means what? My home and family were not to blame in the first place.

It’s just me.

I feel very out of place, like Singapore doesn’t give me the sanctuary I was craving for. Well hopefully this feeling will pass and I shall be happy again. There is nothing in particular that depresses me at the moment but neither is there anything that excites me. I don’t feel like going clubbing (I did for a bit but that desire wore off pretty soon), no mood to watch loads of movies or TV (watching Lost and Six Feet Under, but not getting addicted to it), smoking too much (a legacy of hanging with perpetual smokers back home, not blaming them, coz I lurve them) and sleep always seems like the best option these days. So yeah, fuck it, it will pass. I know it will.

Optimism at its best, wouldn’t you say?

I have a roommate! It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, its NOT bad at all. He’s a very quiet guy very much into his rock music and who keeps to himself. Being a verbose kind of guy I have to pull him into mundane bits of conversation which include asking him which kid he thinks is sweetest in the photograph of baby cousins and then tricking him into believing that one of them is mine. Haha. I swear the look he had on his face was pure hilarity. I make all this up coz except for a moment of confusion it was very unlikely that he believed me. See, what boring topics I have to talk about? Anyway, he is Indian but has been staying in Mauritius for some time. Oh yeah and his name is Ram. He’s out quite a lot of the time and I alternate between feeling relief coz then I get the required amounts of ‘alone time’ (hmm) and jealousy coz he has more of a life than me. It always is a fucking competition for me sometimes. Maybe that’s why I feel apathetic coz I’ve slowed down the pace of my life and tried to be indifferent. Indifference kills by the way.

Chatting quite a bit to Pavs these days. Its really quite funny you know? The moment I have to leave the chat or she does, we say our byes and whatevers and then all of a sudden we feel compelled to leave a by the way or PS and the next thing you know, its 7am and we’re doing the oh-fuck-its-fucking-morning-ok-bye! It is kinda lovely to be able to talk like that. A toast to the silver lining in my not-so-fucked-up life!

I am very removed from what is happening in Colombo. I mean why would I give a fuck? I obviously mean the political killings and sky-rocketing crime rates. What can I feel or think that will be just drastically alter what is going on anyway? Absolutely nothing. So I am not gonna feel anything for something just because it is the right thing to do. I can’t be bothered anymore. But I do feel as if Minister’s sons should be straitjacketed as soon as humanly possible. Drugs should be banned, except weed of course. Alcohol should be served to people above the age of 18. And people should get into the Blue Elephant on a first come, first served basis. There is a possibility that all of these might come true except for that ridiculous comment I made about the Blue Elephant. How can that ever be the case? The Blue will always serve customers based on the amount of alcohol they will buy and those who can will always feel that their popularity with the girls is only because of their fantastic good looks/personality and absolutely nothing to do with the stuffing in their pants. The stuffing’s obviously money. Just thought I would clarify.

I’m being unnecessarily bitter, but we all need to fucking grow up. Being 24, still getting drunk three times a week, marginally employed at poppa’s office, screwing around and being a complete dick to those around you is not a fucking life. Get a clue.

Ok, so if this happens to me, please shut up about it.

soundtrack of life

Opening Credits: Silence- Sarah Mclachlan & Delerium (OST Brokedown Palace)

Waking up: Hayling- FC Kahuna/The Lonely Shepherd- Zamfir (OST Kill Bill)

Average Day: Independence Day- Martina McBride

First Date: Like the deserts miss the rain- Everything but the girl

Falling in Love: Happy Together- K Young/Tere Mere Pyar Sanam- Bombay Vikings

Love Scene: That's All- Michael Buble/Bheegey Honth- OST Murder

Breaking up: Natural Blues- Moby/Unchained Melody- The Righteous Brothers

Getting Back Together: Woh Lamhe- Zeher (?)

Secret Love: They- Jem

Everything's Okay: Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse

Mental Breakdown: Just Another Day- Jon Secada/911- Wyclef Jean feat. Mary J. Blige

Self- Discovery Journey: When Sussanah Cries- Espen Lind

Learning a Lesson: Vindicated- Dashboard Confessionals

Angry: Clouds in my coffee- Carly Simon

Deep Thought: Babylon- David Gray

Flashback: Careless Whisper/Last Christmas- George Michael

Sad: The Blower's Daugher- Damien Rice/Wonderwall- Ryan Adams

High School Scene: If you leave me now- Chicago

Best Friends: Get Busy- Sean Paul/Galvanize- The Chemical Brothers/Turn me on- Kevin Little

Partying: Candy Shop-50 Cent/Hey Mr.Dj- Rihanna

Happy Dance: For my people- Missy Elliot

Sexy Scene: You- Lucy Pearl

One Night Stand: Burn- Usher

Long Night Alone: You are my everything- Mary J.Blige/Angels- Wax Poetic feat. Norah Jones

Closing Credits: Summertime- Fantasia

end of days

Work ended on Friday and it was a pretty good day. I actually finished off whatever was pending and handed it in to the relevant parties. I was working on Procter & Gamble’s Rejoice shampoo which although is an enormously successful international brand (1000 bottles sold per minute), is kind of a dead product in the local market. What I had to do was just do some consumer and trade research to shed some light on what P&G can do to revive the brand in Sri Lanka. Well I had been sitting on the research I had done for over a week so I just had to get it all out and properly put it together in a short, coherent report type of thing. Apart from that, I just hung about taking smoking breaks intermittently with some of my usual smoking buddies, Shehara and Petrina.

During lunch hour, I met up with some of my non-work friends at Commons. I had the teriyaki chicken rice with some trepidation (because, you know, in Singapore, you get some kick-ass teriyaki chicken) but quite wonderfully (?), it tasted great. Now I know, this piece of information is totally boring and interesting to YOU, but for me it was an amazing stroke of luck. How very refreshing. I also went to the mall to get a gift for a friend and weirdly, I bumped into an old friend who gave me a bit of shocking news about himself but let us not get into that here.

After lunch, I came back to the office and went with Shehara to my house to pick up the cream buns and éclairs I had bought to distribute it around the office. It being my last day, I thought, why not treat the people who have figured very deeply in the reason why I enjoyed the internship so much. Anyhow, that went alright since I got a piece of the treat too!

Came back home around 6.30pm and relaxed for a while until Ashanie calls and tells me to come for a drink to the Library. Since I hadn’t seen her for aeons, I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to chill with her and get us both updated on the happenings in our life. Anyway, I get ready around 10 45pm and meet her at the Library and her generous boyfriend just keeps the drinks coming. It was SO nice to sip screwdrivers for once, especially after having drunk hundreds of litres of arrack & coke over the past 3 months. Needless to say, the party didn’t end there. We continued onto R’n’B which is a pub-club type thing very close to where I live. Ash’s boyfriend’s good friend was there too and he entertained us with stories about hostile cervixes, sperm motility, umbilical cords and bleeding vaginas. In case you didn’t guess already, he is a gynaecologist! Very fun!

Met up with Shavanka at R’n’B and had a jolly good time getting absolutely wasted. By the time the festivities ended, it was around 3am. Shavanka and I dropped Ash home and then drove around for a while because I was sooo not in a state to go home!! Anyway, it was 4am by the time I reached home and thank the lord, mum was pretty much comatose so didn’t get into any trouble. I woke up the next morning in a bit of a panic because I couldn’t remember where I had hidden my cigarettes but luckily for me, I opened up the book cupboard and there they were, in plain sight! So trouble was fully averted.

The rest of the morning, afternoon and evening were spent in zombie-like state as I slowly got over my hangover and prepared myself for another night of partying ahead of me. Some of the guys at LB and a few friends thought they would throw me a farewell party/get-together type thing and I of course didn’t complain. Anyway, it was held at Arun’s flat which is right opposite the prison but ironically so, his flat looked anything but sinister. Arun’s a guy who works in the creative department at LB and until yesterday I didn’t realize he’s a very cool guy.

You would think that interning for two months at a place chock full of party-animals would have prepared me for the amount of high-inducing materials floating around at this party, but you would have thought wrong. There was at the very least, lots of booze. Old Reserve arrack is the only way to go! Then there were smokes, as usual. Lots of weed, yay! Jelly shots! Liquor chocolates! The Complete Works! Even Shakespeare would have stared in shock and disbelief with naughty thoughts running through his head. By 2.30 we were all pretty much gone and we decided that it was a good time to go home. I had so much fun!

Anyhow, I’m pretty bored with this post so I shall end now.

Oh fuck… no work tomorrow. What the fuck am I going to do?

Sleep? Sounds good lah.
Must stop having conversations with myself. Resolution #1.

pain.

I see all. I see the discreet looks of affection. I see the masks of indifference. I see the subtle allocation of space; of seats; of moments. I see the signs. Smoke, toxic smoke.

Yet I don’t see the flames. I introspect in retrospect but hope never wavers until I am caught up in a tangle of thoughts, fears and scars.