Downward Spiral: An Obligatory Post

My downward spiral never came. I'm glad. I am also confused as to why it did not come. In some morbid I was actually looking forward to it. I just wanted to see if I could have felt any worse than I did.

Why did I think I was losing control? Actually, come to think of it, I might be in the midst of completely losing it. I mean, there is such a thing as denial right? And usually, the destructive state of denial usually does occur when you are in the thick of things, because, voila your not in an objective position anymore. Whatever.

Well, to be honest, I conjure up a lot of drama around my 'problems' just to make myself more interesting. I don't know why I do it but how much can I justify to myself that I am an equal? I am as interesting, as smart, as talented, as fucked up as anyone else. But I can't do it anymore because in this case, the veneer I have been nurturing for such a long time has slowly worn down to the magnificent amount of evidence in front of me.

The emotion of an absolute sense of incompetence is not new to me. I've felt it, tasted it almost, for aeons now. But it has caught up with me and why should I not go completely crazy over it? Why should I turn to introspection and correct myself when I know that my resolutions lose their enthusiasm as soon as I face up the disappointing challenge that life is? I just want to go nuts... exhilarating madness.

It's very easy for me to blame a load of people for making me this way, but what good will that bring about? So many questions, and yet too many answers.

Close friends, tighter circles bring me some respite, but why do I feel senseless joy and utter sincerity around these people when I see the eyes of judgment lurking on their faces? That's where the crushing incompetency lies. I yearn to be perfect in their eyes, the same way, they are perfect to me. I hate only when you hate.

It all just hopelessly boils down to great expecations and I can't handle it.