Today, I resigned from the market research company I have been working at for the last year and a half.
Thought I would feel a sense of exhilaration; a sense of relief. Unfortunately it did not come. Instead, this tiresome mood took me over and never let me go until I came home and decided to do some chores instead. But I understand that life is a chore too. So which is the bigger chore to live through?
I think part of me wants to feel like a failure; wants to feel miserable. Maybe I am one of those sadomasochists who like to inflict all sorts of horrible pain onto themselves. These actions result, under different circumstances and different stages of intoxication, in two separate, yet intertwined kinds of state: anger and sadness.
Anger because I feel I don’t deserve it and sadness because I feel that I do.
I guess I need a therapist. Like right now. Or is that too self-indulgent? It would be nice to talk freely and not be afraid of being judged…. And maybe, just maybe, all this talk and judgment is not really a big deal because the therapist will reveal that my ‘problems’ are just like the rest of the world’s problems.
And… for that instant, I will feel great waves of relief wash over me but in one fascinating, flabbergasting-ly, sickeningly horrid moment I will realize that I already know this and I am still the same person, going through the same shite which coincidentally everyone is going through but so what? Does that make the problem better? I hardly think so.
Thought I would feel a sense of exhilaration; a sense of relief. Unfortunately it did not come. Instead, this tiresome mood took me over and never let me go until I came home and decided to do some chores instead. But I understand that life is a chore too. So which is the bigger chore to live through?
I think part of me wants to feel like a failure; wants to feel miserable. Maybe I am one of those sadomasochists who like to inflict all sorts of horrible pain onto themselves. These actions result, under different circumstances and different stages of intoxication, in two separate, yet intertwined kinds of state: anger and sadness.
Anger because I feel I don’t deserve it and sadness because I feel that I do.
I guess I need a therapist. Like right now. Or is that too self-indulgent? It would be nice to talk freely and not be afraid of being judged…. And maybe, just maybe, all this talk and judgment is not really a big deal because the therapist will reveal that my ‘problems’ are just like the rest of the world’s problems.
And… for that instant, I will feel great waves of relief wash over me but in one fascinating, flabbergasting-ly, sickeningly horrid moment I will realize that I already know this and I am still the same person, going through the same shite which coincidentally everyone is going through but so what? Does that make the problem better? I hardly think so.
2 comments:
you should take a short break before you start on your new job - you don't need to leave the country, just take a few days to crash and chill (and i don't mean get DRUNK)! :)
good luck and all the best!
thanks for the advice yc! cheers.
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