eyes the window to your soul? bullshit

This is a belated post. I went to Bangkok 2 weeks back for 2 nights all by my lonesome. Needless to say, I had a gorgeous time. I met up with a friend there and had an awesome time clubbing, shopping, drinking, spending time with myself, beer, a bubble bath and MTV reality shows. Brilliant.

Some highlights:

1. Cheap shopping but everyone knows that about Bangkok. Chatuchak weekend market is the bomb! Go when it's raining like a bitch so that you really experience the leaky, primitive market in all it's glory! Being the tourist was just fun!
2. Marlboro Lights for 55 Baht.
3. Tiger Beer for 30 Baht.
4. Bourbon-cokes at high-end clubs for 100 Baht.
5. Sexual experiences galore. Don't worry. Durex was my best friend.
6. Massage with perks. ha ha.
7. Taxi's for about 1/20th the cost of Singapore's.
8. Friendly people. Fucking friendly. I loved it. Some random woman actually came with me on the train to see I got where I wanted to go safely and no she wasn't a whore.
9. An abundance of whores. This is not connected to point number 5 or 6. I'm an innocent boy. They add so much colour to Bangkok. Phrases such as "Boom-boom with Thai Girl ok?'' or "I suck your dick for 100 baht'' or even ''Take it out, let me see how big'' cracked me up. So cool.
10. Fast, fast internet. I had to check mail a few times and each time was such a pleasure because it was all so efficient on state of the art Dell computers. Also 1 minute= 1 baht.
11. The haphazard colourful landscape littered with opulence, beggars and pure fun. Perhaps it's a bit mean for me to say that the beggars added to the magic that was Bangkok but the more disconnects you see around you, the more you feel you are free to do whatever you want. In Singapore, you get anonymity (just barely) but nothing much more. And of course, 25 Baht to a dollar.
12. I believe what I experienced was just the tip of a very versatile iceberg and the fact that there is still soo much to do in Thailand and even Bangkok will bring me back. Definitely. Perhaps when I have a job and no obligation to take a drug test I will dapple some of what makes Thailand the party mecca of the Orient.

It's New York mixed with Amsterdam mixed with Sri Lanka. Absolutely wonderful. If it takes a normal person two-three years to get bored in Singapore, in Bangkok, I guarantee it, it will take much, much longer.

Plus, don't take any notice of the vacant looks you see on the Thai people. It's the perfect deception for the the friendly, kind people they are. You still need to have your wits about you (the same effortless friendly ease could very well pick your pockets when your not looking) but if you are, the good times will roll in.

back to square one

Being needy is a problem I have. The person I'm being needy towards feels a sense of power over me (quite naturally) but I do admit, when I am at my peak I can and do get way too overbearing with the guilt trips and sarcasm laced with hopeful hurt. Curiously, other people I am generally close to or very good friends with (and have no problem with coz I really do love them) feel I am being insensitive towards them..... It might or might not be true but I certainly do feel for them, perhaps not to the extent of being absolutely sensitive because honestly, I am a self-centred person. It doesn't mean I don't care though. I do. Maybe not in the way they want to be cared for. And honestly, people who accuse me of being insensitive are no where close to being sensitive and I have tried very hard to get over the feelings of hurt that inevitably start to corrode a relationship. Some people call me a doormat but if that is a price I need to pay for not feeling continuous anger then so be it. Unfortunately, when this is pointed out to me by a third person I get angry with myself and become very embarrassed but it is only a brief moment of time before I recede into a cultivated sense of implacability.

That all got shot into hell yesterday. I experienced a crisis. My exam was in less that 12 hours and my preparation wasn't going well. I was having trouble concentrating and my usual remedy- a short chat with a friend or two, or atleast their comforting physical presence-couldn't be indulged in. Everyone was out. Everyone had gone to watch the latest Potter movie (a week after I had watched it I must add, ha ha) and it was terrible. I literally watched myself go to pieces. Perhaps that's a tad dramatic you think? I didn't think so. During exams, ironically, my cigarette consumption goes down and I feel a sense of jittery confidence that usually is well justified. Well, this time around, that confidence was nowhere in sight and I became a fucking chimney. I smoked 12 cigarettes in a little over 2 hours and I was getting the munchies for more. I was itching for company and inevitably, this itch dulled itself with me pouring out the self-pity. This was no fault of anyone's but mine and it drove me crazy. I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't help myself. Is this what one does when one is so insecure. Perhaps. I also felt a bit hurt because you never want to be the back-up friend. It coming at a time like this was just added fuel to the fire. I have grown over the past 3 years and I have been introduced to this concept of a ''back-up friend'' many times before, and I would never subject anyone to this feeling of inadequacy. It's like that now and it will always be like that because I am not a bastard.

Luckily a friend came over and we talked and it all seemed okay. In fact, it was miraculous. I am very grateful.

I overreacted, I know, but it's got me thinking. What IS the point of being sensitive? The buck should stop here.

intervi(ew)

Taking into account the fact that my previous post was about melancholy tendencies about to be put right, it would stand to reason that this time around I would finally un-depressed, if not for happy, right? Well, wrong. Kind of.

It is kinda depressing and doom-impending when you have applied to 40 over places and you don't get a single call-back (the parallels of this post to my previous one are really reflections of my versatility lack thereof and possibly also a reason why I am not being called back) interview.

However, this morning it all changed! I got ONE call back! So Merlyn (I wouldn't be surprised if she had connections with the magical world coz she certainly did infuse some much needed...er.. magic into my life), casually calls me up and in her perky voice informs me that I need to get my ass down to Shenton Way for an interview! Now, since I had missed her orginal call and I called her back in semi-comatose state, I could only stare fixedly into the wall above my bed, with sleep-crust around my almost quivering lips as she told me this piece of extremely good news.

Well of course, it wasn't quite as romantic and disgusting as that silly! I mean have you ever heard of so much happening in a span of 180 seconds? I know, fucking Angelina Jolie and Nicholas Cage could have stolen 3 cars in that period but this is not a fucking movie is it? If it was, I would either be employed by the top-firm in the city and systematically being hunted down by the Chinese mafia for wishing to blow the whistle on the partners' deviant behaviour OR I would be living in Al Junied (or whatever-the-fuck) in a studio apartment with 3 other people and I would regularly go down to Orchard MRT so that I could stand on a box and and paint myself gold and pretend to be a still gold man (like some people I know).

Exams are here again, the 7th and final round of exams at NUS. It's been way too short.

Post-Application Depression

A deep-seated sadness washed over me while I was waiting for my take out today. I sat on the couch that is usually relegated to those-who-like-to-be-losers-and-watch-the-apprentice-in-front-of-their-computers-and-therefore
-would-like-their-nourishment-to-be-packed-in-undegradable-styrofoam-takeout, when this incredible feeling of melancholy ambushed me. Maybe it was the pathetic Chinese love song that was playing over the radio, maybe it was the severe lack of people at the place, maybe it was the fact that the service staff knew what I was going to order before I said it but it still was superbly depressing. There is absoloutely no reason for this to happen because my life is not as tragic as I would like to think.

I had just finished applying for around 8 jobs in one go and since this was the first time I had actually spent quality time over my resume and cover letter I thought I would be full of joy and shit... but noooo... that didn't happen.

The bright side is that in about an hour, I get to go out with a group of friends to get awesomely wasted. Now I know to all you very intelligent people out there who make the connection between alcohol and sadness, this is probably not the wisest thing to do, but maybe this melancholy is related to the fact that I haven't partied in ten days.. Who the fuck knows! All I do know is that a lack of socialization in my life always weighs me down and all that is gonna be put right tonight!

Yay. Free flowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I am Him, I am Lucifer

Emily Rose called out to me last night. Well not really, but the movie was pretty awesome in my opinion. I don’t know why the critics gave it a C+ on Yahoo! Movies which is usually a pretty reliable gauge for good movies, but the movie just excited me. Of course, they did give Life David Gale a pretty crap grade too, but seriously, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, at its worst could be called underwhelming. It’s definitely not C+ material though.

Funny thing though, both The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Life of David Gale star Laura Linney. I think as of this moment, she and Kate Winslet are my favourite actresses. Right now seems like the most appropriate timing for me to list my favourite actresses. Drum roll please………………….. There are some I love just for their acting and some I just love coz they look awesome on screen. So the first batch is up there coz of their acting (which also automatically qualifies them into the second group) and the second group is up there coz I just love looking at them. On screen, not porn. Of course, some of the stuff Kate Winslet has done, inclusive of the infamous scene in Jude and the urination scene in Holysmoke, can be classfied as porn.

Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Jude, Iris, Heavenly Creatures)
Julianne Moore (Far from Heaven, The Hours)
Laura Linney (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Kinsey, Love Actually)
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives, Path to War)
Meryl Streep (The Hours, Angels in America, Adaptation, Death Becomes Her)
Laura Dern (We Don’t Live Here Anymore)
Nicole Kidman (Dogville, the Hours, The Others)
Maggie Smith (Gosford Park, Death on the Nile)
Natalie Portman (Closer)
Judi Dench (Chocolat, Iris)

Uma Thurman
Julia Roberts
Renee Zellwegger
Catherine Zeta Jones
Angelina Jolie

I am obsessed with movies. I wish could make tons of money just for criticizing movies. But sadly that is not possible. It just doesn’t pay that well coz honestly, anyone can criticize movies.

Several things happened while I was typing this post. Firstly, I just had just finished watching Dark Water starring Jennifer Connelly when some stupid bat tried to fly through my window. I just lost it. This is exactly on par with my phone ringing right after I finished watching The Ring. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I knew who it was that was calling but somehow I missed the call and there was no number on my caller number display. Freaky. I mean I checked if it was an international call but my family specifically told me that they hadn’t called.

Also, as I walked down to collect my McDonald’s Breakfast (that’s right folks, it’s 5.45am and McDonalds just delivered me my breakfast!!!), I decide to pop into the TV room in my block. In the darkness slept a strange man. I turned to rush out, he woke up, we both screamed and I ran out. I have only just calmed down to realize that this strange man is our security guard. What the fuck was he doing a). sleeping and b). in the freaking TV room? Blardy fools I swear.

And finally, a hell of a lot of garlic sauce just squirted onto my laptop. Disgusting! This is God’s way of reminding me that I hate Garlic Sauce and to stop trying to taste it from time to time. For those out there who know how much I care for my baby, AKA laptop, both baby and parent are fine with only superficial bruises. However I must stress that the wounds are only just superficial. A little more volume as regards Garlic Sauce and my baby would have suffered a devastating death. Devastating for me, not for it…My precious.

Watching movies, grading them, analyzing actors and actresses and just generally getting steeped in film trivia are just some things I do to get myself through the day. It’s a guilty pleasure. Actually, scratch that, I feel no guilt about it (faintly embarrassed?) and I have loads of fun doing it.

By the way, Dark Water is a mediocre film with good acting by Jennifer Connelly. I know she’s a pretty phenomenal actress but I have never liked her too much before. In this flick I like her better but I don’t think I will ever be bowled over by her. I am just not into her. She doesn’t rock my boat.

I must stop now. Never, ever presume you can sustain a high energy level with only 3.5 hours of restful sleep. I am just gonna take a short nap. Tata!

popping cherries

Friend says to me: Oh my gawd, the cherry popped in my eye.
Me: ………. (Eye-popping silence)
Me: ………..Erm. What?

Apparently, the lit end of a cigarette, due to its reddish glow, is called the cherry. My friend was lying flat on his back and smoking when suddenly the cherry popped out and fell into his eye.

You learn something new everyday.

Fortunately he was not blinded and now is able to tell other people how a cherry popped in his eye. Considering the alternative, one must wonder whether that is even possible.

Anyway, I am bereft of friends. Pavitra and Shiny packed their Art-School asses off to their respective third-world countries. Never realized how much of a cohesive force Shiny was. I mean, she is the one who introduced me to the Parvation and that in my eyes will always be the best thing she did for me. Except perhaps, one certain New Years Eve party that happened a long time ago. And also obviously the friendship we share.

Shiny had a dinner thing at her house and that girl can pack a pretty good punch with her cuisine skills. I was impressed and ate a laaaaat of food. Also the wine was flowing and we didn’t fear it running out coz, being the resourceful persons we are, there were a few bottles of vodka and Black Cat whiskey solemnly standing about like they knew they had the serious responsibility of being our safety net.

We all merrily lurch into Attica where we proceed to get even more plastered. Eventually, after dancing about in witch-hats and getting felt up by a very suspicious looking character, I get pissed off at my lack of willpower and total failure in being able to keep to a study schedule that would start the next day at 10am, if and only if I left the club at 2.30am. When I finally realize that I am too plastered to even hope I will wake up at 1pm much less at 10.30, I start panicking, consult my watch which inexplicably , in some conspiracy like manner, tells me its 4.20am. I angrily walk out of club and take a taxi home. There have been some wild nights in the past where I would readily admit my inability to remember things but this was one night where I thought I got home with no ‘incidents’ because in my opinion, the fabric of my memory was in tip-top and unstained (obviously by numerous types of alcohol) condition.

But, two things contradict this condition.

1. I met some of Pavs’ friends outside Attica. This is one part I do remember. However, what I don’t remember is talking to this friend about her potentially explosive, when-I-come-back-I-will-attack, love life. I found this out around 2 days later.

2. I woke up to find a large mineral water bottle on my desk. I never buy big bottles and this one had no water in it and neither did it look new. My only explanation is that I probably met someone who gave it to me. I am not a violent person (except perhaps violent verbally) by nature so I doubt it was a fight-thing. I might have, however, got the bottle in return for a sexual favour but that would imply that I saw some value in that bottle and no drunken state is gonna make that dumpy looking bottle look like an Oscar or anything I might have wanted. This does not mean that if I did see some value in an item that was not mine I would offer sexual favours to get it. That is definitely not the case coz if it was, I would be kinda having sex all the time wouldn’t it?

I am never going to know what exactly happened unless some random weirdo taped the whole thing. Sigh.