the worries

I really wanted to post twice today. I don’t know why but I feel I am neglecting my blog these days.

The last week was quite fun actually. I like work. I hate getting up for it but once I am there I enjoy what I do, even if it means calling up people and coaxing them to give u a videotaped interview. A lot of people are averse to the idea of being filmed on camera which comes as sort of a pleasant surprise because one finds out that people are not as superficial and camera-hungry as we think they are. I find it’s such a pleasure to meet humble people because you can learn so much from them. I do not profess to have learnt a lot from humble people but I know it’s made me not complain about life’s circumstances as much as I used to.

Anyway, I do not find it surprising at all that people don’t want to be filmed because I know I would hate it. One never realizes how hideous one’s voice is unless it is taped and played over for one to hear. I heard my voice on one of the interviews and I cringed so badly that the audio-visual guy gave me a big smirk. I take solace in the fact that people are quite used to my voice and because I am not, I should be the only one to actually profess distaste for it.

Going back to the subject of liking what I do, I feel that I am quite suited to this position. I love research, I am reasonably creative and I find its quite fun to give presentations especially if it is well researched and thought-over. I believe I need some experience on how to handle the stress of the job but I am confident I will fit in quite soon. However, I am not too sure about whether this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. If you are a marketer, there is only a small promotional ladder. I mean the possibilities are pretty vast but if your natural environment is planning with the client and starting from scratch, then jobs at the top of the ladder are not likely to offer you this and you might get bored of a management job. The money’s a good substitute but still…you know what I mean.

When I examine this issue under even more harsh lighting, I feel that I will never be deliriously happy in a corporate job. My passion’s always been to write, this blog being a by-product of this passion. Unfortunately I have never indulged my passions because I come from a conservative Sindhi family and doing anything non-business related is frowned upon as impractical and disaster. Families exhibit toxic love in these instances where they sabotage your every move just to move you in the direction they want you to move in. Luckily for me, I liked business subjects and I have no regrets in doing my studies in them but that does not mean I shouldn’t be able to pursue what I really want. There’s nothing stopping me except my own fear of failing miserably at it but I think I can wait until I have established myself reasonably in a world where wearing formal clothes in the day are a maxim.

Another thing that’s worrying me all the time is that I worry all the time. My friend once told me that I need to make myself happy first and not to try to make life easier for others, in other words, not to be a doormat. I find myself stuck, really desperately stuck where I worry that I am not making people happy. I worry and I worry until I feel sick to the stomach that nobody’s going to have a good time, or I should throw myself in the middle of a fight between two people I care about so as to stop the fighting. It sucks. My happiness is irrevocably tied in with other people’s happiness. Other people’s lives impose on me in the sense that my life is probably made up of diverse set of other people lives and I can’t live my life happily if one of those lives I am made up of is unhappy!!!! And yet, I come across as a selfish prick. Sometimes decisions have to be made and I make them and some people are left happy and some are not but because everyone is so used to getting their own point of view considered, BECAUSE I PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYONE’S OPINION, once their opinion is overruled, who gets to feel the brunt of the hostility? Lucky guess anyone?

I must sleep now… good night fuckers.