gushing

Oh man. My last day at work is coming up this Friday. If I had thought about this day all the way back in the first week of work my face would have lit up like a damn Vesak pandol. However, now I don’t know what the hell to think! I know all this is possibly the usual idealization process one goes through when something comes to an end (a topic I have dealt with both implicitly and explicitly in previous posts) but I do feel intensely sad.

It’s the people I will miss. Definitely. It’s quite unbelievable that almost all the people in this firm are friendly and willing to really let their hair down (or hair up with some gel) and have a complete blast. Oh god. I think if there was ever a person to gush about Leo Burnett Solutions Sri Lanka it would be me. The brainwashing certainly worked!! If this is the effect firms like LB intend to have on their interns, then it completely worked on me. Right now, I feel like I am the biggest advocate for the firm.

It does seem appropriate to mention that I am not in the ideal position to actually comment on how good/bad LB is as a firm. It seems nice, but I’m only a lowly intern so how can I make a fully informed evaluation? Anyway, who said I needed to be objective to have an opinion? Yes, your right, NO ONE! I think it would be a lovely place to work or at the very least, hang with the people in the office!! There’s a quote in this book I was reading that says, advertising is the rock n’roll of the business world! I know I messed up the quote someway but u betta have got the point!

I think the reason why I feel an intense sadness is coz my need for affiliation is not being fulfilled. There’s a huge history behind the lives and relationships of the people working at LB and life’s just gonna continue as per normal after I leave, so where do I stand? Have I made an impact on ANYONE’S life? I feel as I have made good friends in the 2 months I’ve worked here but is it reciprocated? Does it matter? Do I have to know? I know ignorance is bliss but…but.. I mean should all this analysis even happen as long as I have enjoyed myself? A friend told me sometime back that I should stop trying to please everyone coz I am the only one who will end up hurt and disappointed but I am not trying to please EVERYONE. It’s just the people I care about that matter, i.e. my friends. Oh man, in other words, I just want to be loved. Yeah, yeah, I’ve said it again and to some extent I’m not ashamed to say it!

You see what a pointless argument this is? It’s downright annoying. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be secure. I want to know that I have enhanced someone’s life in some little way. Maybe that’s egotistic (egoistic?) of me but flattery gets you everywhere don’t you think? Ha ha. Trivializing things helps. But if you trivialize things (things you have built up before) that others deem trivial anyway, does that redeem yourself in their eyes? This is all convoluted! My questions never have any sure-shot answers do you realize?

I end this post as confused as ever.

choice dependency

Last night I got locked in my room. I had just changed into my house clothes after coming back from work when I tried the door and it refused to open. We have had similar problems like this before so I thought with a little pushing the door would just fly open. That was not to be unfortunately because it was only after 50 minutes of frustration that the key-cutter, Yusuf, came over and mutilated our lock so much that the door just popped open. Never have I been so relieved to see the rest of my house!

It just goes to show that when we do not have the choice to do anything else we immediately feel our present circumstances are crap. I mean the room itself is a perfect place to chill since it has everything I need in it (except food). My books, laptop, music, water, air-conditioner are all encapsulated in that tiny little room. But just because I was locked in there, I really, really needed to get out. It was strange. We are a bunch of malcontents because the grass is truly greener on the other side, but eventually it’s never green enough. I could have waited in that room for hours on end and not have had the slightest urge to get out but this craving, this addiction for the outside came over me and I got a bit freaked out. I think my claustrophobia was just a subset of some fundamental truth about who we are and we exist in this world. Having the choice to do something else is the key to my peace of mind but that doesn’t mean those choices are amazing or even remotely accessible.

I also got to thinking about how very dependent we are on the most mundane things in life. I mean the fricking lock fell apart and I couldn’t get out for 50 minutes. Oh sure, sure, not a big deal at all but what if no one had been at home to open the door for key-cutter? Serious shit lah. On similar lines, take the telephone. If your phone is out of order, you can’t call your grocery store for your daily order, you can’t connect to the internet, you can’t call the key-cutter when you want them. It’s all about being inconvenienced; we just can’t take it. Imagine, if we somehow apparated into the 14^th century and had to travel on horseback for 22 days to see a priest so he could see a medicine man? Or tell someone his wife was sleeping with someone else?

It’s so hot. I can’t take it.

impulsion/compulsion

24^th July 2005
18:55 hours

I have just come back from a trip to Ginigathena in the hills of Sri Lanka. I am dog tired but I need to get this down before my memories fade and my emotions become diluted. I know I am going against an oath I gave at the moment we parted (which was never to repeat, re-enact or write anything to anyone other than our group about what happened on the trip), but I don’t really care since the only people who read my blog are either not connected with the people I went with or people I went with on the trip.

Well so anyway let me start. My work colleague calls me into her office on Friday morning and tells me that they are leaving on a trip right after work on that day and asks me whether I would like to come along. I thought about it and since I am leaving work in less than a week, I said okay, even though I knew my mother was very angry about me going. I go home after work, change and pack and come back to the office. I hang with my two ‘homies’ until we set off.

I was in a vehicle with a guy called Ranga who was driving, Mehnaz, Mat and Shyala. At that time I didn’t know, but I found out on the way that there were 13 of us altogether who were going. This seems like a good time to say the names. Karyll’s a person who works at LB and she is, I think, the funniest person alive. Her humour is very dead-pan and I just lap up every joke of hers with an awful-sounding laugh. She’s the one who organized the whole trip and every bit of the trip was enhanced by her presence. A clink-clink to her. She also realized that she knew my sister in primary school and her reaction went like this, ‘OMG FUCK A DUCK…. YOUR GINA’S LITTLE BROTHER????’ Petrina is also from LB and she is Karyll’s very good friend. She and her boyfriend Shohan are very nice people and great company. She is also very good looking. He he. Shohan’s supposed to be a complete sport; he apparently will fit in anywhere with anyone and I can believe that. Then there was Shehara, the pierced chick in previous posts and fellow cigarette-break taker. Sala (a.k.a Magic box), Brandon (a.k.a flamboyant one), Eshara (a.k.a Aussie-mate) were all there too. Sala and Brandon both work at J. Walter Thompson, a rival advertising agency. Eshara is Shehara’s (tongue twisted already?) cousin and is getting married in December. They are all very good company. Then there is Mehnaz who also works at LB and has been ever since its establishment in Sri Lanka 6 years ago. His friend Ranga, a quiet guy into producing music and a complete gadget freak. He has an Acer Ferrari laptop, a Nokia palmtop/phone and a gadget that emits a laser attached to his windscreen to detect a Police speed detector from a distance of almost 1km so that he can slow down and pass by without a hitch. Amazing. Very nice guy. There was also Nicolas, a French intern just recently joined for about six months. He just about showed his ass to everyone around 4 times during the trip and he had a good time even though he is very quiet. Then comes Shyala (a.k.a angel-eyes) who is very sweet and a genuinely nice person. She has this peculiar habit of arguing with you that starts off quite explosively. Fortunately for her, we enjoy these outbursts and I, for one will tease her about this till I go back which again, fortunately for her is only about a week away. Sob. Last but not least is my boss, Mat. Mat is also a peculiar creature. He is very outdoorsy which can be QUITE tiresome if you are a city-boy like me coz we have vastly differing opinions about EVERYTHING in life, but it is nice to have a little debate in your life. Being a very intense person he doesn’t talk much but he has an interesting views on life and when he does talk, you know it’s going to make you laugh or grind your teeth in frustration because when trees fall in the forest, irrespective of whether you were there or not, they MAKE A NOISE!!!!

Anyway when we arrived at our bungalow it was about 10pm. It was an awesome place. The house was situated on a small hill and it was surrounded on one side by a tea estate and on the other just a forest. In the backdrop there were hills with swirls of mist at their summits. The mist was just swirling about and coming down to our level at times and then retreating. Very peaceful and nice. We could even see the white-water rapids in the distance. There were papaw trees in which hornbills sat and pecked at the ripe fruit. In addition to papaw trees, there were rambutan, mangosteen and even jambu trees on the premises of the bungalow. The place had a natural water pool in which water from the wells get filtered into the pool. It was gorgeous. It was absolute heaven to sit on the porch, drinking tea in the morning and potent liquids at night and letting the feel of the place just wash over you.

The drinking started at around 11pm after a spot of dinner. The music played while all of us sat around drinking and shooting the shit around till around 4.30am. Brandon and Sala sang vulgar songs for us and Karyll provided the accompanying instruments (two plastic bottles of Pepsi and Sprite) with regular spurts of ‘Ah-Ah’. It was thoroughly entertaining. In my drunken state I made regular trips to the room where Shy and Mat were and had conversations with them insisting vigorously that I was not that drunk and I would be able to remember everything about the conversation the next morning. As you can see, I did. Smugness. :p

Later on in the morning, I was woken up by Mat at 7fuckingAM. Nicolas, Shyala, Mat, Shohan and I drove to the reservoir close by to take photographs and just chill. We had tea in a small joint built on a tree and since we were not satisfied by our adventures decided to drive around more to see what more we could do. Shohan then stops over at a place which has a board saying ‘this was the place where ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ was filmed’. Obviously we had to check it out. Like smart arses, however, we decided not to use the usual path, instead opting for a less-used path. We took a raft/ferry of sorts over the river to the other side and trekked a pretty long path down to a lake. You won’t believe this but even though the film was made here, there is no indication whatsoever to say that Hollywood has touched this place with its magic Oscar winning wand. You know why? Coz the Bridge was blown up in the movie. So the Bridge has to be there only in spirit for those who decide to come there to see it. Especially those who use the less-used path. So, we trek and trek and trek and finally we come to the river which can only be accessed if you walk around 15 metres down some rocks. I thought it looked like any normal thing until Nicolas tried to surf down these slippery rocks. He tried it but he immediately slipped down on his butt and on his butt he skidded down 10 metres at least. All of us just cracked up. That image is seared in my mind. They say what goes around, comes around and the next moment I fell down hard on my ass. I got up and fell again. Finally I slowly slid down to the sandy beach. I dreaded going back up again but my boss helped me up and even though I felt quite inadequate, I was very, very grateful. Still it was fun to come there and I have no regrets. Also one can’t forget the leeches. The area was infested with these blood-sucking bastards and each of us got at least one bite on our legs and elsewhere in much darker places. These creatures roll themselves into almost an invisible ball on the ground. When you step on them, they uncoil themselves and latch onto the furrows on your shoe. They make their way slow and steady up the shoe to your legs and then latch themselves on your flesh and just keep on sucking blood until (1). You discover it and pull it off by rubbing salt on it (2). You discover it and burn it off with a cigarette lighter (3). You discover it and decide to pull it out whereby which their teeth get left behind making you a primary target for infection (4) You do not discover it and it sucks up to its fill and falls off which leaves you a little bloody since it takes extra long for the wound to clot up and (5) You do not discover it and it sucks your blood until it explodes and you are left stained by the blood which has just been sucked out of your bloodstream. And very rarely, according to a newspaper report seen only by Karyll, the leech crawls up your vagina (if you have one) and lays its eggs there and you bleed profusely till you die of infection if you are not operated on immediately.

In the afternoon, this time all of us decide to venture out for another adventure. We pack a picnic and set out to see the Aberdeen waterfalls which are about an hour away. After we get to the place, we park our vehicles and start walking ourselves to the waterfall. This time, there were more people around and it was quite fun to walk down these paths with occasional hysterical screams from Petrina, Eshara and Brandon about attacking leeches. However, Karyll couldn’t do it coz her knees were just about to give way so myself, Petrina and Brandon decide to wait with her and not go to the waterfall. I was quite glad to get out of it coz I’m not a very confident person and I feel my lack of confidence just slows the group down and I’d rather let down myself than the group. So I stayed behind. It was quite fun to chat with these three and we walked back to the vehicles to wait for the rest of the group. We talked about blow jobs, sex in strange situations and how fucking annoying the leeches were until they came back 2 frickking hours later!!! Anyway, the drive back was VERY enjoyable as I placed by butt on the door of the car and hoisted myself outside and held on to the roof the car. It was really exhilarating to feel the wind blow through my hair and the sting of the cold on my cheeks. We bought more beer and cigarettes on the way back to our bungalow.

All of rested awhile before getting into some action again. Myself, Shyala, Karyll and Mat had a good talk before being called for drinks at 9pm. It was as usual a talk about sex, noisy sex, Burgher life and Harry Potter. Over rum and cokes we played ‘I Never’ and we found out some interesting things about various different people. Some of the stuff that ‘came out’ were related to bondage, sex with fruits, gay kisses, pissing in the pool and having fantasies about teachers. As you can see, the subject never strays too far from sex. Sex is the universal language as we soon found out in the next game which was ‘Truth, Dare or Kiss’. Again, without mentioning names, some of the stuff we did were as follows: miming masturbation and going down techniques, running naked, kissing nipples, licking ears and noses etc etc. Unbelievable. After a round of ghost stories, stalker stories and creepy stories we all retire to our beds at the very early hour of 1.30am.

Miraculously we all got to sleep till 9am hence explaining the lack of a hangover. We then shoot the shit a little longer over a cup of tea and a cigarette. Myself and Shehara decide to go for a walk to the natural pool and she dares me to get in. I strip down to my boxers and jump (well walk) in. It was freezing cold and quite enjoyable. The pool was 14 feet in the deep end and since it was un-chlorinated it felt strangely invigorating. I was one with nature. Ha Ha. A whole load of people get jealous of me and Shehara swimming and they too decide to get in. Turns out to be a hell of a lot of fun!

All of us then decide to have our breakfasted which consisted of a sausage-tomato-onion-sauce mix, coconut roti, baked beans and butter. Turns out to be an absolutely amazing breakfast. I don’t know whether this is all exaggeration but I did feel a sense of pleasure washing over me while I was eating. I distinctly remember it!!!

After breakfast, Karyll regaled Mat, Shy and I (and random people who walked in from time to time) with stories about her illustrious Burgher life and both of us were captivated. Unfortunately, we then had to pack and come home. Before leaving the place we took a whole load of group photographs and got into our cars and began our journey back. I sound like some foreigner but you know what, I am! I mean why won’t anyone believe I am a Caucasian white male?

Le Sígh. La Sób. Good memories. Few regrets. Just the way I like it. The trip was an entire package of good experiences and I am prepared to ignore the fact that I over-smoked, was a bit constipated and finally realized that I am capable of loving a person. Anyway, small price to pay to hang with such a classic bunch of people.

V.good.

PS. I have just realized how fucked up my tense usage is in this post. Oh shit, I just realized that the tense usage has been fucked up in the past few posts too. Please forgive the bad grammar.

digression?

I have a feeling that BBC will continue airing special reports on the London Bombings until another bomb goes off in their (London’s, not the BBC’s) damn subways. Obviously it is a great disaster in which 50+ people died, but come on now, we all know this is an atrocious incident carried out by the most evil perpetrators of our time but this kind of thing happens all the time! All of a sudden, this is being compared to the 9/11 events, which I guess, in principle, is justified, but we have come too far since then, and all we could think of when Blair gave his speech in the House of Lords was, oh shit, here comes another war on ‘terror’.

It doesn’t seem worthwhile for people like us also to keep repeating the injustice of the London Bombings in the world media especially considering how little attention (and action) the bombings at the Bank of Ceylon got in January of 1996. We just have to accept that all politicians are hypocrites and if they’re not faced with the problem first-hand (and sometimes even then), they will never understand and empathise with what they’re so-called diplomatic partners and friends are facing on the other side of the globe. If we don’t play a vital role in their own economic development we will never capture the attention we seek in actively resolving a problem that was so pervasive in the 80’s and 90’s in Sri Lanka. Luckily for us, the terrorist problem, although always looming, is slightly less threatening to the lives of Sri Lankans these days but we don’t owe anything to the U.S or the U.K for this state of affairs.

Perhaps our thanks should go to both the LTTE and the government for inflicting upon the population of Sri Lanka chain after chain of terror that has corroded the mettle of both parties to such an extent that pursuing an uncompromising stance is just too inhuman and cruel. It’s true isn’t it? All these years, individuals all over the island have been rejecting the call for war and finally the realization is sinking in that who the fuck really wants to lose their parents, children, family and friends for something that is so useless fighting for? Idealistic as this might seem, why can’t we just live on equal terms? Perhaps I am too removed from the core of things to actually comment but it seems simple enough to me. You won’t have to give anything of yourself away just to make someone stand on the same platform (pedestal) as you. You really won’t. It just takes some humility and a hell of a lot less insecurity.

I am very laissez faire about these things and I certainly do not feel strongly about the above topic but I am truly an objective person and I see no trouble in giving all the people around us the same rights as anyone. I wouldn’t mind a Tamil getting his due; neither will I have any trouble seeing a woman getting hers. Oh I know how rubbish all this might sound but yeah, that is my viewpoint. It’s nothing more, nothing less than just my humble (??) viewpoint.

It’s just my call to the world out there to be a little more sensible. And don’t get me started certain factions of the clergy. Oh wait, let me get a little started on the topic. Our clergy is littered with people who extol the virtues of Buddhism but apart from the superficial labels of Buddhism, such as the orange robes and the sacred looks they give us, where are the truly Buddhist actions of non-violence and understanding? It’s just hideous, sacrilegious activity wrapped up in robes that are fast losing the respect and credibility that they used to give. Hopefully someone will understand that is just some ploy to fly over and above the radar. And DO something about it.

I feel entirely empty as I finish off this post. It’s terribly useless of me to talk because that is all people do. The apathy one feels when talking about a political issue is classic because one does not contribute anything to anything. Perhaps your sense of smugness increases but there is nothing to show for it at the end of the day. It’s so useless that I don’t even know how to complete this post with a decent ending. So this seems to be an appropriate place to just stop.

melting pot

What is more frustrating than having a hangover at work, muscles hurting from doing weights for the first time, mum having a nervous and mental breakdown at home, no money and no work at work?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. I have got over it.

The cause of the hangover was going to Glow for a party that was ‘by invitation only’. I thought since there was an official party organized at Glow there would be something different happening. But no, it was the same thing. The same ol’ cliques and the same old affectations.

Don’t get me wrong here, I partake in all these affectations too but I do not derive fun from them. I think its some part of me that switches onto auto-pilot because these cliques and these affectations were what I used to look up to when I was in school living my life, quite happily (or rather, as it turns out, not so happily), as the class-geek.

I just about had a good time because I was soaking up the drinks as usual (explaining the head-torture the morning after) and my friend Ishani and I had about two good dances on the floor before strolling off into a world where politics engulfed her and left me… not really stranded but bereft of any faith I had in her. Things like this do not affect me but I hate hearing some bit of good sense about 3 minutes before an unpardonable lack of judgment. Especially when this bit of good sense comes out so easily and so well-oiled to make me think that.. ahh… yes.. I know exactly what goes in your life because you have told me all about it. It’s not that I am hurt because I don’t get told things about her personal affairs but it’s this mentality that my questions will go un-answered until she feels comfortable about telling me stuff. I understand and empathize with this all the way but the problem I have is that she only reaches this comfort zone when she is willing to rant out morsels of the problem, conveniently ignoring the fact that she has never told me what exactly the problem was.

Anyway, none of you will understand the above but I needed to get that out of my system and articulate mentally what I really thought about it.

Lifting weights has got to be the most liberating thing in the world. NOT. A friend once told me that when he did weights it felt awful but after you did them, you felt awesome because the blood rushed into your limbs and sometimes even made you horny. SO, I expected that kind of effect when I did weights but sadly that was not to be. If I could have managed an erection it would have only been through several doses of Viagra! I felt sick, tired and completely drained out. As soon as I stretched my arm, it cramped. As soon as I scratched my back, my hand would refuse to go beyond the small of my back. It was crazy. But it’s been 7 days since I started this post so the memories of the pain have faded remarkably and I am planning on going to the gym today.

Mum’s nervous and mental breakdown? It’s a long, sad story and I really don’t feel like going into on my blog for everyone to see.

No work at work? The end of last week was kind of slow because all my superiors got caught up with their own big projects and the interns were basically free to do anything they liked. This is not as fun as it sounds because if I am not doing anything at work, I’d rather be home in bed watching a movie, instead of chilling in the office (which is kind of fun but…but… u know… it’s a different kind of fun that is derived. Almost like fun burning at a lower-frequency… more or less like we’re trying our best with the situation at hand).

Anyway, like I said, that post was made seven days ago so different things have happened since then. Well not really, since work is still relatively boring, because myself and a French intern have been put in charge of some small projects and he has not turned up to work today. So the work I have done so far just has to be compiled with his (not possible today). Anyway, because I am going back home early today (coz of some bank/accommodation work) I am just chilling for the moment.

As you might have realized from the present tense I use in the above sentences, this blog post is materializing from the creative recesses of my mind which is currently inside of a body that has just to come to the office. That is right, I am blogging from work!!!!! Cool? Or not? Hmmm. I don’t know. I’d rather be doing work.

Ahh yes, the different things that have happened over the past week are:

#1. Movie night @ office. Kind of cool coz they screened Star Wars: The Attack of the Sith. There was popcorn, spicy mixture, savoury biscuits, orange-juice, Vodka and rum. FACT: Physical presence of intoxicating liquids does not equate to actual consumption. The movie was not good. I did not like any part of the movie except perhaps the special effects which were to some extent tainted by the stupidity of machines that only beeped (are WE supposed to understand that is something we should just not understand?) and god-awful dialogue.

#2. Food-Poisoning. Woke up on Sunday feeling quite bad. Felt the acid rolling about in my system. I felt like little ‘cute’ ulcers were popping up in my stomach and festering because the acid was just rolling onto them. Then I puked. And the puke just kept on coming. And then I purged.. and purged.. and purged… and… you get the picture. Not a very good day. By night I was wishing that work never existed but I did go to work…. Yay… how fucking disciplined I have become. No really, it is not such a great thing for me to show up to work when I was sick coz so many other people do it all the time in much sicker, more stressful situations. It’s just one of those things you got to accept and stop being a spoilt brat about.

I’m not at work any more. This blog post is taking ages to write. I am at home now, waiting till the water heats up enough to give me a soothing shower after a good work out at the gym. My version of a good work out is, I am sure, not even close to what other, much fitter people consider a reasonable work out but what the fuck, if I feel I got a good work out, then I did!

These internal battles have got to stop. But what the fuck, this is my blog and I can fight with anyone I feel I like! Ok? Ok? Bring it on bitch! Touché.

Hmmm.

Anyway, I just got to know that my appeal for on-campus accommodation was successful! Yay! I am so happy that I don’t have to move out to some lonely ol’single room somewhere a few bus stops out of campus. Seriously, the heartlands of Singapore depress me no end. Sure, if I have friends living with me, then I could stand it coz u know, there will be good company and alcohol etc. but if I have to live alone then I shall just brood myself into some pitiful catatonic state. I am a bit of a snob. I am a very material person and I really do want to live in some fancy-shmantzy place in Orchard or something… yeah yeah… wishful thinking but a guy’s got to dream right?

The bad news about me living on campus is that I have to live with somebody. Ergh. Yeah, I have to share a double room. SUXXXXXXXXXXX. FUXXXX. Seriously, shit! My porn habits are atrocious! And if I can’t masturbate when I feel like, I will die. I seriously will. I can’t go hiding my erections again!!!!! I can’t!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully my roommate is some exchange student who will be out all the time and will give me privacy… yay! But he could be some pitiful nerdy boy (read: Chinese) who never leaves the room unless for coffee or a piss or to take out some library books. Oh god, these negative thoughts have got to stop. Hopefully, there is a silver lining in all this. I mean a silver lining beyond not living out of campus. Yeah, yeah, I’m an ungrateful arse. But what to do lah?

Anyway, I got to go shower. Dinner at 9pm at The Pavilion with some friends I have not met in some time. I think it will be very boring but it could just turn out to be quite fun. These things have a way of being so much fun when you have such low expectations. Don’t you think me having low expectations from FRIENDS is a bit screwed up? I mean I should like really depend on them and stuff right? But I think I’m better off this way coz then I don’t get disappointed too much when things don’t go my way. Anyway, high expectations never did anything good for anyone. I have spent the last 8 years having such high expectations and in that process living those 8 years in some state or version of hurt about something or someone. So I am learning not to be like that coz it just hurts everything around you. Some people perceive you as indifferent but like I said, life’s too short for you to be worried about what everyone thinks about.

I am a hypocrite. I also love to write.

Hokay? :p

P.S Back in office again and ready to go. We did not go to The Pavilion last night. We went to La Rambla. It was cool. The esquillade was vveryyyy tasty. Had coffee, had cigarettes and came home. Peaceful night.