Recently, more than ever, I have been thinking of myself during my pre-university days and perhaps during that time of tertiary education. I believe I might actually have been quite ambitious! I was ready to go out into the workforce as a bright spark who would change organizations and be and I quote 'an exemplary colleague, peer, friend, subordinate and manager'. God Almighty! Was I naive or what?
Since then, its been a complete blur of utter despair and panic over deadlines, delirious anticipation for the weekend and fitful slumber which usually does not ever surpass 5 hours every night. And what about living up to that magnificently constructed sentence that promises ever so much? I think, its probably been more about attempting to be an exemplary subordinate only to be shot down by a stupid client or a stupid boss who takes your exemplary performance not as a sign to praise or reward you but rather to punish you with more work. And I think I've become a better actor too! Imagine the amount of effort it takes to speak nicely or even civilly to a boss or a client who has just handed you an extra 5 hours a day of work for the next month!! An exemplary actor that is what I am.
I remember starting out at my first client-servicing agency and being completely accepting of all the deadlines handed down to me even though I fully knew that I could not keep to them. Reason: Fear. Now, that fear still exists to an extent but I speak out if requests are unreasonable or worse, impossible. But what, conceivably, can you say to a bitch of a client who controls about 2 million USD in research budget a year? You say, and I interpret: Yes, Yes, Yes. Please take that hot poker and rape me and my entire team in the arse while you sit back and enjoy.
Strangely enough, most of the time I enjoy the contentious nature of the relationship between the client and agency because it really does help to have a client who is totally into being part of the research design but then when it borders on the interfering.... that is what disillusions me. And sometimes its the opposite: an apathetic client, ignorant of all things research related but only focused on answering questions which the research can't really answer.
Anyway, before I digress too much, I would just like to say that this disillusion I feel with myself and my industry does not fully encompass me. I say this because through this disillusionment has come a worldview which is slightly wider (panaromic even); more focused on healthying myself up (although a lot more improvement is needed and possible) and also to try other things which I can do (more reading, more writing) and also to think of a way to make more money!!!
I am feeling this vague notion that I need to write, and taking pleasure in withdrawing myself from the world and thinking about stories I could write, plots I could develop and characters whom I could flesh out (god forbid, two dimensionally). I haven't felt this way in years and I'm liking it and really, really, really hoping that this vague notion will actually morph into reality.
Here's wishing me luck!
P.S. I haven't really explored the possibility that my writing may actually be bad. But again, I am really, really, really hoping it IS bad...ass.
