the money-mindedness of it all

My ideal (and somewhat realistic) salary at this stage of life is SG$3800. Here’s how I would split it:

CPF: $190
Rent: $600
Electricity/Water: $50
Internet: $25
Home Phone: $30
Mobile Phone: $100
Loan Payment: $300
For Mum/Sister: $500
Leisure: $1200
Savings: $500
Emergencies: $300

Oh the wishful thinking in all of this. First of all, I’m not getting paid anywhere close to $3.8k which tires me out. Secondly, saving $800? Ridiculous. Thirdly, my definition of emergency is probably withdrawing money from this fund so that I can replace it with whatever I spent the previous night on alcohol.

Oh no! I am an Alcoholic. Talking about it makes me want to have a drink. A dear friend has put this thought of drinking cold Grey Goose in my head.

Disgraceful talk.

Did I say realistic?

half-measures

Sometimes it’s really hard to take back the things you have said in the past. When you have said things with conviction, actually believed those words with every fibre of your being, it is hard to admit that you have might been wrong. So I’m not going to. I am not that strong a person.

I do believe in the power of actions, however. I believe that if I act in a certain way, behave normally, be as things were (but never quite), these actions will absolve me of the terrible power of words inflicted in the past. It’s unrealistic for me to assume that my actions themselves will ever get me anywhere (because, in life, it has to be whole package) but I can take solace in the fact that maybe, just maybe, a certain forgiveness will be bestowed on me.

And who wants things exactly as they were anyway?

consciously, furtively

Incidentally, as I was ironing my clothes today, I heard this blaring off my play list:

“But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again”

Now, guess what song that is? Come on!!! It’s a competition! There is no prize except the glorious feeling of thinking you’re a smart ass because you used Google and found it in like 0.15 seconds. Guess what, mofo? Someone probably got it without Google. Not like that makes you oh so cool. Do you know why? It’s Last Christmas by Wham! Do you get it now?

Thinking that line is profound is not perhaps the best way to start establishing my credibility but it did make me think for a second or two before I started thinking about the blogging implications of such a thought.

Do we really get over the people we have loved in the past? I’m not sure if we ever do. Little things, forgotten things we consciously, furtively keep around just to provide a link- a physical manifestation- to a memory that you wished existed.

How fucking tragic.