gold digger

It's so easy to be a gold digger don't you think? I have my opinions and I have my morals but really, I feel precariously on the edge of each and every one of them. I think I could be a gold digger if only I had the opportunity to be one. The guilt would get to me but like someone said, it would be so easy to brush the crumbs of that emotion under the rug. Just a thought.

I am back in Singapore and I have been offered a job which I have accepted. It's a recruitment agency for health-care professionals in the U.S. My designation: Account Executive. So, technically, it's a marketing job in a HR firm. Fits in exactly with my majors which are marketing and management. Got the job on my birthday.

Yep, I turned 22 a few days back. Was kinda sick so didn't really enjoy the day as such but I do feel good I am turning older. I actually kind of look forward to the responsibility of making money, saving, buying stuff for family.... It makes me happy. This time in Colombo, I realized the beauty of being with family. Privacy issues are always going to be a big negative factor, but we must face it... we can never be alone without being lonely. Atleast in the long term. I miss my family and I miss being irritated with them. This time when I was down in Colombo, I revelled in the company of my mother and sister (and true, I did get fed up with them, but that's what friends are for) and the fact that someone was always looking out for me. True, your friends will do everything they can for you, but they are no replacement for family. Reassurances will never work with family. Self-analysis is tiring and it seems these days that all my MSN conversations are all about self-analyzing or listening to someone else self-analyze...so I shall spare you.

notice.

The previous six entries were written over the holidays but were never uploaded until now. Any intelligent person would have realized that but I just thought I might as well make the clarification for the amazing amounts of morons out there. Also, I am addicted to writing and I needed somethign to write.

cousins in conjunction with the holidays

To be utterly, brutally honest here, I wasn’t too happy when my cousins came down on Christmas day. I think it wasn’t a question of me being unhappy with them, but just irritated that they had taken so long to decide and to confirm their holiday in Colombo. I really wanted to organize our New Year’s Eve plans at this place where we knew where everybody would be going but I couldn’t obviously because they took so long to fucking decide. So eventually when they did decide to make that relatively short air-commute to good ol’ Colombo, all the tickets for this party were sold out... However, I am by nature prone to overreaction and everything just turned out fantastic. I was pretty bummed out that another cousin didn’t come but I play with whatever cards I am dealt.

First of all, an introduction… Rits.. She’s 18 and beautiful. So beautiful it scares me sometimes. Having a beautiful sister of my own, I am well aware of the lecherous looks any pretty girl gets, especially on the streets of India or Sri Lanka and by constant exposure to this frowned upon behaviour I have learnt to tune out a world where women are put through sick, sexual fantasies in some random person’s mind. However, Rits gets way too much attention and that is what terrifies me. I try to look as if I am her boyfriend (breaking all the rules for ‘appropriateness among relatives’ I am sure) but that never stops men from looking at her. Oh well, ego boost to her. She is also crazy!! She will laugh at anything for hours on end with her faithful partner in crime and fellow cousin and crazy loon- Mr.MC. I will come to him later. I appreciate Rits because she’s an intelligent bimbo and laughs at all my lame jokes. And even though one is obliged to love one’s family, with her, I don’t have to try hard at all. The bitch left on the 30^th but I forgive her coz she’s a bundle of fun.

Mr.MC. Like I said before, he’s Rits’s Yin to her Yang (although there isn’t much peace when they’re around). He’s extremely intelligent and ultra-competitive when it comes to anything… academic or otherwise. Even though Mr.MC and I don’t hang out that much, he has the knack for making just the right amount of small talk to help put you at ease!! He is the perfect social lubricant, second only to bloody alcohol. Ha ha. He loves to gamble and from what I have heard, is quite lucky at it!! Some people are just lucky, but Mr.MC is very hardworking and I believe, a celebrity of some sort in the making!! Perhaps a talk show host or a professional Master of Ceremonies…..? Who knows? He’s certainly entertained us in the past with his skills in being the perfect pageant host so here I am, immortalizing how good he is at his thing!

Teens. Come to think of it, all my cousins are beautiful. Now that doesn’t mean they are only beautiful in my eyes and they’re trolls to the outside world. Teens’s 25 (almost marriageable age much to her displeasure) and a complete sucker for anything philosophical! I admire her dedication to what she loves. I also admire her ability to be relatively unaffected by the things that goes around her (a skill I think she learnt from having such a, shall we say, ‘different’ extended-family). Water off a duck’s back. I’ve grown closer to Teens over time and in some way, that has enhanced my life.

Verbosity is my thing. Deal with it.

Also I realize, that if one of the above ever wanted me to write them a testimonial, I could just copy and paste. Verbosity has its advantages.

There were three highlights to their trip. One was going to H2O with them. Yay. H2O is the latest club in Colombo and predictably, the place to see and to be seen. It’s pretty huge, very nicely decorated, very good service, reasonable prices and a decent-enough DJ. We got through the ordeal of being interrogated by the damn adults relatively unscathed but only after pouring out a great deal of honey to placate their wet blanket selves. I realize I still refer to them as adults but that is only because we are still treated as children… I also realize that these are our parents and we will always be their children, but come on, they expect us to provide for and take care of them when they grow old but are not willing to give up their hold on us with regard to certain kinds of behaviour, such as, drinking, smoking (but this, I think their displeasure is justified), love-marriages and pre-marital sex which is of course, blasphemous to the entire Sindhi race and just about rapes the family name…. Oh dear, I have digressed. Anyhow, the night was fantastic. Rits and I rode the wave of a beautiful state of tipsiness and danced on the floor while the rest socialized and made up… Notice I used the phrase ‘made-up’ and not ‘made-out’ , so get your minds out of the gutter! Quite an ordeal to get the three cousins up to their room afterwards but we finally did it and with no problems from the adults! Super night!

The second highlight was when we went down-south. Sri Lanka’s beautiful beaches must be experienced only after dappling in gorgeously illicit substances, which we might or might not have done. Lunch was ravenously eaten and followed up with another taste (of dessert, silly) and we drove home, utterly satisfied. Grains of sand vibrated, one of us felt one with everyone, including the sea and the grain of sand that vibrated… On the way back, we ate some Kandos chocolate (which Rits pronounced as Kandoos) and got home utterly exhausted but in equal amounts content as ever.

The third and final highlight was New Year’s Eve. Myself, sister, Mr. Say-Nothing-Bad-Will-Happen, his sister, Teens and my friend from university went to Trans-Asia. We were put through another ordeal by the adults before going (this one being a little more serious as one of us actually started crying!) but thankfully got there before 12am.As usual we got thoroughly plastered and I have no recollection of anything after 4.30am!! Apparently on the way back, I thought the radio in the car was actually my sister talking to me!! Fortunately, we all had fun and nothing too bad happened except for me losing my blazer and Teens taking a fall which she made worse by dancing with me for…er…god knows how long!!

These were the highlights but hanging out with them was fun too. Lots of family lunches and dinners laced their trip and I am sure they had as much fun as I did!! How terribly inarticulate I sound huh?

Jamba-jungle fun times!!

P.S- Forgive me for the less than mature nicknames I have given my cousins. It's this damn new Blog Search I am afraid of. I know some of the ''adults'' have some rudimentary knowledge of the net and since I am by nature a risk-averse person (some people call it cowardice), I needed to do this.

notions of university

I have officially graduated from the National University of Singapore people! I got my final grades on the 21^st of December and was quite thrilled with them. My results were as follows (I need to gloat a bit even though I feel terribly guilty about it):

Marketing Research A
Business Policy & Strategy A-
Southeast Asia: A Changing Region A
Global Environmental Issues A+

My Semester Average Point is 4.875 on 5.00 and my overall Cumulative Average Point stands at 4.23 on 5. I am very happy about these grades. I have nothing to complain about and I guess there is a God in this world. A God who helps me apply myself, helps me to work hard and to be in control (most of the time). Religion in my life never becomes more apparent than during exam time.

I am quite sure I will miss university life but I haven’t really felt those pangs as yet. Maybe I am in shock? I don’t want to spend time idealizing my notions of university life (especially not after spending gut-wrenching hours typing out assignments or preparing for presentations) but I do need to acknowledge one thing; my friends. These bunch of people have made and will continue to make my life worth living. It’s pretty sad that some friendships didn’t work out in the end but I can’t discount the times when we were friendly and I will cherish (what a fucking corny word) those times forever. So, university is finally over. Chapter closed.

PS. Too drama you think?

good cheer and gossip

For one week there were festivities. A close family friend, who is somehow related to us, got married… His wife was beautiful in a kind of villainous way. She had the characteristic sharp hooked nose and piercing brown eyes and a tendency to flash only half-smiles. Her husband however, was the complete opposite. In true Sindhi fashion, he got tipsy (wasted? Sindhi men hold their liquor well) at every function (the Sindhi wedding spans a couple of days and plenty of booze) and bobbed about everywhere dancing with every aunty and all the other girls there, unmarried or married. You’d think the bride might have got worried or jealous, but she just sat there, serenely watching over her husband and I bet quite glad to have the annoying video cameras and lights away from her for a bit. Imagine the discomfort!!? On her face she literally has layers of make-up, in her hair about a bottle of hairspray all pinned up with about a million pins and on her body, her poor body, feet after feet of heavy, itchy garment wrapped around her. All this effort and expenditure to look good in front of the cameras and the unrelenting, unforgiving eyes of the Sindhi public!

I hate going to weddings unless they’re of a close family member or friend. Even then, I try to excuse myself by any means possible. I try to be out with my friends, I try to feign sickness and I try to tell my mom that I won’t even be noticed therefore pre-empting the lecture on showing up as a mark of respect and courtesy. This time around however, even though staying home seemed like the best prospect, I didn’t bitch too much about going. I don’t know why but I just went along with it. Perhaps I am going soft in the head…. Perhaps I’m growing into my genes… Perhaps I have taken a bit of liking towards my peers? Who knows? Anyway I went.

First of all was a beach party. It was supposed to be a youngster’s only party but inevitably, some adults showed up. Actually I think the adults were a good match for the ‘youngsters’. The booze flowed and the groom went positively mad. I have hung around this guy (I use the term ‘hung around’ loosely) for more than 15 years and I have never seen him so much as step on to the dance floor! He lifted his soon-to-be bride into the air and carried her all over the dance floor. His audience, i.e. us, stood around, smiles frozen into our faces mechanically clapping, hoping against hope he wouldn’t trip up all the while cringing in embarrassment inside. What did I say about unrelenting, unforgiving Sindhis? True to form, I sneaked off for a few cigarettes once or twice while nursing my perfectly made Bacardi Limon and coke with one of my sister’s friends but crept to the dance floor and performed a scary Sindhi dance, which even I didn’t know I had in me! My darling sister had one-half of a drink and became officially, the cheapest drunk alive but I averted disaster by pointing her to the direction of the crowded dance floor where she could shake the worst off. All in all, I made the most of it, hung about with my cousin P, my sister G and her friends and had a pretty good time.

There were other functions we had to attend too but I am quite lazy to recount them all. Suffice to say is that they were pretty much the same. Oh what the hell… I might as well summarize them (for my adoring, I-could-do-nothing-wrong readership)… The next occasion was the Mehendi and Sangeet- a 2-in-1 extravaganza, mainly held together to save shit loads of money. During this function, the bride to be gets especially dolled up with every possible form of make-up and jewellery she can get her hands on and for some symbolic reason I am unaware of, gets her palms and arms painted with Mehendi- a kind of plant paste that when washed away leaves a temporary tattoo on wherever it is applied. Some people even use it on their hair in much more copious quantities to cover up their gray hairs. It’s the organic way of doing things. Fuck L’Oreal! Apparently the Mehendi is supposed to be a girl’s only occasion but because the Mehendi has to seamlessly transition into the Sangeet (this time a musical and booze extravaganza) the guys are given special attendance. Of course the guys don’t mind coz its ogle, ogle and ogle all the way. The modern day hen party can be paralleled with what the traditional Mehendi is supposed to be, minus the strippers, condoms and penis cakes of course.

My sister and her friends- all friends of the groom- did a dance for the couple. It was quite fun to see all of them mess up one by one. It’s all very good fun…gorgeous people, fine clothes, brilliant company appropriately oiled by the cocktails which everyone accepts as their due but secretly thinks it’s the only way they will get through the evening. Fun times!

The next function was quite mellow by contrast. It was held at the groom’s house so it was only a select crowd. My sister, cousin and I went as the family representatives and we trudged up to the sixth floor since the fucking elevator was out of order- a state which was mysteriously fixed by the time we left and we had already come down the million steps. Such a pleasant surprise to see the elevator door open and pot-bellied uncles pop out, swimming in the sweet but dull effects of their evening’s consumption of their life’s manna. Anyway I have just realized I have spent valuable time recounting an inane story about an elevator that’s just menopausal.

The affair itself was quite religious since the priest had come and set up a small fire in which the groom had to throw stuff into at select timings during select prayers chanted by the Maharaj as we all call him. This didn’t stop the uncles from popping open the Johnny Walker mid-prayer while their wives ran about serving food and furtively taking sips out of their husband’s glasses all the while hoping the other wives wouldn’t see. Sigh. Is there any wonder why our parents don’t know much about us? We’ve learnt from the best. In effect, when we get married, we graduate from the School of Deception and go on to another journey of perpetual lies; little white lies or big black ones depending on how good (bad?) your parents were… There is always something to hide. I am probably also going to graduate from the School of Digression if I don’t stop soon… After the prayers were done, a little tradition, also something I was unaware of was enacted. Someone had to strip the groom! Don’t ask me why- it could be some homo-erotic cult group behaviour for all I care but it was fucking hilarious. Our dearest groom had been informed already about this little, sordid tradition and had attached a lock to his belt, thereby preventing any sort of rape that he would have been subjected to.

The wedding reception (I missed the wedding coz a) it was in the evening, just the time I like to chill and b) it was in a temple) was quite dull in my opinion. Apart from being sick of the same old faces by this time, I was also feeling the claustrophobia that sets in when one is around one’s family too long. I had to get out but had no such luck because my familial duties and instincts were too strong. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart.

So it all came to an end! And I was still in one piece. I wonder if parents are aware of the fact that weddings are helpful to their agenda of making their children more…er.. Sindhi? I know it made me appreciate it a teeny-weeny bit more. I had made it out to be a superficial mess but while that still exists in a slightly moderate way, the new generation is quite fun, some of them even having the gall to whisper, ‘do you have a cig?’ in my ear! To which I replied, quite delightfully, ‘No! But shall we go look for one??’

veneers

While I was brushing my teeth this morning, I had the most peculiar sensation wash over me. I felt completely alert. No groggy head, scrunched up eyes or slowly receding erection… And best (worst) of all, I could hear everything.

I could hear the inner workings of my system; the rolling of my stomach as I gagged while brushing my tongue; the foamy wishy-washiness in my mouth; my agonized coughs; the servant screaming at crows who were hopping into the kitchen in hope for some juicy morsel of Sindhi food; the men next-door trying to make themselves heard above the growl of their electricity generator; our very own district beggar chanting utter gibberish in very convincing rants; the scream of vehicles slowly gnarling themselves up in a filthy traffic jam and slowly but surely drowning everything out while my alertness drained out was the chanting rolling soothingly out of the neighbourhood mosque. It was surprising how these layers of sounds settled down on me until I could only hear the ritual afternoon prayer. Layers of sounds, layers of complexity, layers of every-day life.

Amidst such amazing and beautiful chaos my insignificance in this world wrapped itself around me and surprisingly, I was glad for it.

moving out=claustrophobia?

Having no choice in the matter coupled with a decent enough set of circumstances results in pretty high levels of content. Iro, Nadeeka and I moved out into our own apartment a few days back and it’s pretty nice. It’s got a view to die for, almost-furnished, great bathrooms and fully air-conditioned. The only sore point is that we don’t have a microwave or a washing machine. It’s a fuck up but not big enough to destroy all the positive feelings associated with moving into a place that looks really great and has a swimming pool to match. You know you’re in a first world country when you can move into what would be called a luxurious apartment in Colombo with such modest finances.

Living with other people is a daunting prospect. Life in university, i.e. campus life, can get very claustrophobic. It’s very strange that it is your friends, the select few you should accept completely if not unconditionally, become the ones who will push you over the edge of tolerance. I think, like relationships, not all friendships work out. Why do people think that fighting for a friendship is so much more important that fighting for a relationship? Why can’t we just walk away? I think we should just accept that some friendships run out of steam and some don’t- just like any old relationship. Anyway, if living in close proximity with people on campus can be so constricting, it must be worse when there’s no canteen, library or class to run into when you want pure, unadulterated isolation (almost)… When you are in your allocated room on campus, some privacy is afforded to you because there is still some physical effort involved if someone wants to visit. In an apartment, even that’s not there; no respite, no escape from anything.

I think we all need some element of sensitivity to our flatmates’ moods; a sensitivity that alerts you to the need of not being overly-cheery when your flatmate is depressed or too nosy when they are extremely private. Considering my lack of experience in the matter of having flatmates I am hardly the person to talk about this but let’s see… hopefully things won’t be as bad as all those episodes of Sex and The City and I paint it out to be. Friendships, however much I’d like to think to the contrary, operate on very fragile ground and it’d be really nice and I would be extremely grateful if they stood intact even after I move out.

acid reflux

My last few days at NUS were anything but ceremonious. These were days filled with severe acid reflux, palpitating hearts, over the top cigarette smoking and coffee intake that would make a New York lawyer who works 130 hours a week cringe with disgust. Preparation for exams was a bitch. I have never been so unprepared in my life.

Usually my exam preparation has two stages; the first stage is right after the mid-semester break where I plan out my schedule and carry out a half-hearted attempt to study and the second stage is about a month before exams where I go into full gear and short notes, all-nighters, coffee and missed morning classes take over my life. The NUS semester is only about 5 months long so based on my description above that means that the latter two and a half months of the semester has me looking for the best places to study, the most efficient sleep schedule, the places that make the best tea/coffee at 7am and pissing my friends off with my lack of interest in the normal and social things in life. I am going to miss that.

This time around unfortunately, the tried and tested method of studying didn’t work out. In fact, it got shot straight into hell or wherever study schedules go to die a long drawn out painful and withering death. I quite literally wasted away my semester with the clubbing, drinking, sleeping, hanging with friends…but….wait a minute!!! I’ve done all that in my past semesters and yet, I have studied as intensely as anyone; what the hell was different this time around? I have a strong feeling it might have been the lack of interest in the modules I enrolled for but it could also have been the feeling that washes over you when it is time to graduate; the feeling that you’ve done this a million times before and you can handle it, it is just no big fucking deal anymore.

Anyway, with whatever little I did as regards preparation, I still expect decent grades. That’s just the way I work. I think, at the very least, an education at NUS has taught me how to study intelligently and I do think, I hope, that my intelligence crept into all the papers I did this semester. Ha Ha. If only intelligence were this separate entity that senses when it is needed and like any self-respecting super-hero comes to the rescue by unconsciously directing your pen to create sentences that have a profound impact on the soon-to-be blown away professor.

Anyway I am finally a graduate. If I don't fail that is. It doesn't feel any different. As usual.

eyes the window to your soul? bullshit

This is a belated post. I went to Bangkok 2 weeks back for 2 nights all by my lonesome. Needless to say, I had a gorgeous time. I met up with a friend there and had an awesome time clubbing, shopping, drinking, spending time with myself, beer, a bubble bath and MTV reality shows. Brilliant.

Some highlights:

1. Cheap shopping but everyone knows that about Bangkok. Chatuchak weekend market is the bomb! Go when it's raining like a bitch so that you really experience the leaky, primitive market in all it's glory! Being the tourist was just fun!
2. Marlboro Lights for 55 Baht.
3. Tiger Beer for 30 Baht.
4. Bourbon-cokes at high-end clubs for 100 Baht.
5. Sexual experiences galore. Don't worry. Durex was my best friend.
6. Massage with perks. ha ha.
7. Taxi's for about 1/20th the cost of Singapore's.
8. Friendly people. Fucking friendly. I loved it. Some random woman actually came with me on the train to see I got where I wanted to go safely and no she wasn't a whore.
9. An abundance of whores. This is not connected to point number 5 or 6. I'm an innocent boy. They add so much colour to Bangkok. Phrases such as "Boom-boom with Thai Girl ok?'' or "I suck your dick for 100 baht'' or even ''Take it out, let me see how big'' cracked me up. So cool.
10. Fast, fast internet. I had to check mail a few times and each time was such a pleasure because it was all so efficient on state of the art Dell computers. Also 1 minute= 1 baht.
11. The haphazard colourful landscape littered with opulence, beggars and pure fun. Perhaps it's a bit mean for me to say that the beggars added to the magic that was Bangkok but the more disconnects you see around you, the more you feel you are free to do whatever you want. In Singapore, you get anonymity (just barely) but nothing much more. And of course, 25 Baht to a dollar.
12. I believe what I experienced was just the tip of a very versatile iceberg and the fact that there is still soo much to do in Thailand and even Bangkok will bring me back. Definitely. Perhaps when I have a job and no obligation to take a drug test I will dapple some of what makes Thailand the party mecca of the Orient.

It's New York mixed with Amsterdam mixed with Sri Lanka. Absolutely wonderful. If it takes a normal person two-three years to get bored in Singapore, in Bangkok, I guarantee it, it will take much, much longer.

Plus, don't take any notice of the vacant looks you see on the Thai people. It's the perfect deception for the the friendly, kind people they are. You still need to have your wits about you (the same effortless friendly ease could very well pick your pockets when your not looking) but if you are, the good times will roll in.

back to square one

Being needy is a problem I have. The person I'm being needy towards feels a sense of power over me (quite naturally) but I do admit, when I am at my peak I can and do get way too overbearing with the guilt trips and sarcasm laced with hopeful hurt. Curiously, other people I am generally close to or very good friends with (and have no problem with coz I really do love them) feel I am being insensitive towards them..... It might or might not be true but I certainly do feel for them, perhaps not to the extent of being absolutely sensitive because honestly, I am a self-centred person. It doesn't mean I don't care though. I do. Maybe not in the way they want to be cared for. And honestly, people who accuse me of being insensitive are no where close to being sensitive and I have tried very hard to get over the feelings of hurt that inevitably start to corrode a relationship. Some people call me a doormat but if that is a price I need to pay for not feeling continuous anger then so be it. Unfortunately, when this is pointed out to me by a third person I get angry with myself and become very embarrassed but it is only a brief moment of time before I recede into a cultivated sense of implacability.

That all got shot into hell yesterday. I experienced a crisis. My exam was in less that 12 hours and my preparation wasn't going well. I was having trouble concentrating and my usual remedy- a short chat with a friend or two, or atleast their comforting physical presence-couldn't be indulged in. Everyone was out. Everyone had gone to watch the latest Potter movie (a week after I had watched it I must add, ha ha) and it was terrible. I literally watched myself go to pieces. Perhaps that's a tad dramatic you think? I didn't think so. During exams, ironically, my cigarette consumption goes down and I feel a sense of jittery confidence that usually is well justified. Well, this time around, that confidence was nowhere in sight and I became a fucking chimney. I smoked 12 cigarettes in a little over 2 hours and I was getting the munchies for more. I was itching for company and inevitably, this itch dulled itself with me pouring out the self-pity. This was no fault of anyone's but mine and it drove me crazy. I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't help myself. Is this what one does when one is so insecure. Perhaps. I also felt a bit hurt because you never want to be the back-up friend. It coming at a time like this was just added fuel to the fire. I have grown over the past 3 years and I have been introduced to this concept of a ''back-up friend'' many times before, and I would never subject anyone to this feeling of inadequacy. It's like that now and it will always be like that because I am not a bastard.

Luckily a friend came over and we talked and it all seemed okay. In fact, it was miraculous. I am very grateful.

I overreacted, I know, but it's got me thinking. What IS the point of being sensitive? The buck should stop here.

intervi(ew)

Taking into account the fact that my previous post was about melancholy tendencies about to be put right, it would stand to reason that this time around I would finally un-depressed, if not for happy, right? Well, wrong. Kind of.

It is kinda depressing and doom-impending when you have applied to 40 over places and you don't get a single call-back (the parallels of this post to my previous one are really reflections of my versatility lack thereof and possibly also a reason why I am not being called back) interview.

However, this morning it all changed! I got ONE call back! So Merlyn (I wouldn't be surprised if she had connections with the magical world coz she certainly did infuse some much needed...er.. magic into my life), casually calls me up and in her perky voice informs me that I need to get my ass down to Shenton Way for an interview! Now, since I had missed her orginal call and I called her back in semi-comatose state, I could only stare fixedly into the wall above my bed, with sleep-crust around my almost quivering lips as she told me this piece of extremely good news.

Well of course, it wasn't quite as romantic and disgusting as that silly! I mean have you ever heard of so much happening in a span of 180 seconds? I know, fucking Angelina Jolie and Nicholas Cage could have stolen 3 cars in that period but this is not a fucking movie is it? If it was, I would either be employed by the top-firm in the city and systematically being hunted down by the Chinese mafia for wishing to blow the whistle on the partners' deviant behaviour OR I would be living in Al Junied (or whatever-the-fuck) in a studio apartment with 3 other people and I would regularly go down to Orchard MRT so that I could stand on a box and and paint myself gold and pretend to be a still gold man (like some people I know).

Exams are here again, the 7th and final round of exams at NUS. It's been way too short.

Post-Application Depression

A deep-seated sadness washed over me while I was waiting for my take out today. I sat on the couch that is usually relegated to those-who-like-to-be-losers-and-watch-the-apprentice-in-front-of-their-computers-and-therefore
-would-like-their-nourishment-to-be-packed-in-undegradable-styrofoam-takeout, when this incredible feeling of melancholy ambushed me. Maybe it was the pathetic Chinese love song that was playing over the radio, maybe it was the severe lack of people at the place, maybe it was the fact that the service staff knew what I was going to order before I said it but it still was superbly depressing. There is absoloutely no reason for this to happen because my life is not as tragic as I would like to think.

I had just finished applying for around 8 jobs in one go and since this was the first time I had actually spent quality time over my resume and cover letter I thought I would be full of joy and shit... but noooo... that didn't happen.

The bright side is that in about an hour, I get to go out with a group of friends to get awesomely wasted. Now I know to all you very intelligent people out there who make the connection between alcohol and sadness, this is probably not the wisest thing to do, but maybe this melancholy is related to the fact that I haven't partied in ten days.. Who the fuck knows! All I do know is that a lack of socialization in my life always weighs me down and all that is gonna be put right tonight!

Yay. Free flowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I am Him, I am Lucifer

Emily Rose called out to me last night. Well not really, but the movie was pretty awesome in my opinion. I don’t know why the critics gave it a C+ on Yahoo! Movies which is usually a pretty reliable gauge for good movies, but the movie just excited me. Of course, they did give Life David Gale a pretty crap grade too, but seriously, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, at its worst could be called underwhelming. It’s definitely not C+ material though.

Funny thing though, both The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Life of David Gale star Laura Linney. I think as of this moment, she and Kate Winslet are my favourite actresses. Right now seems like the most appropriate timing for me to list my favourite actresses. Drum roll please………………….. There are some I love just for their acting and some I just love coz they look awesome on screen. So the first batch is up there coz of their acting (which also automatically qualifies them into the second group) and the second group is up there coz I just love looking at them. On screen, not porn. Of course, some of the stuff Kate Winslet has done, inclusive of the infamous scene in Jude and the urination scene in Holysmoke, can be classfied as porn.

Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Jude, Iris, Heavenly Creatures)
Julianne Moore (Far from Heaven, The Hours)
Laura Linney (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Kinsey, Love Actually)
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives, Path to War)
Meryl Streep (The Hours, Angels in America, Adaptation, Death Becomes Her)
Laura Dern (We Don’t Live Here Anymore)
Nicole Kidman (Dogville, the Hours, The Others)
Maggie Smith (Gosford Park, Death on the Nile)
Natalie Portman (Closer)
Judi Dench (Chocolat, Iris)

Uma Thurman
Julia Roberts
Renee Zellwegger
Catherine Zeta Jones
Angelina Jolie

I am obsessed with movies. I wish could make tons of money just for criticizing movies. But sadly that is not possible. It just doesn’t pay that well coz honestly, anyone can criticize movies.

Several things happened while I was typing this post. Firstly, I just had just finished watching Dark Water starring Jennifer Connelly when some stupid bat tried to fly through my window. I just lost it. This is exactly on par with my phone ringing right after I finished watching The Ring. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I knew who it was that was calling but somehow I missed the call and there was no number on my caller number display. Freaky. I mean I checked if it was an international call but my family specifically told me that they hadn’t called.

Also, as I walked down to collect my McDonald’s Breakfast (that’s right folks, it’s 5.45am and McDonalds just delivered me my breakfast!!!), I decide to pop into the TV room in my block. In the darkness slept a strange man. I turned to rush out, he woke up, we both screamed and I ran out. I have only just calmed down to realize that this strange man is our security guard. What the fuck was he doing a). sleeping and b). in the freaking TV room? Blardy fools I swear.

And finally, a hell of a lot of garlic sauce just squirted onto my laptop. Disgusting! This is God’s way of reminding me that I hate Garlic Sauce and to stop trying to taste it from time to time. For those out there who know how much I care for my baby, AKA laptop, both baby and parent are fine with only superficial bruises. However I must stress that the wounds are only just superficial. A little more volume as regards Garlic Sauce and my baby would have suffered a devastating death. Devastating for me, not for it…My precious.

Watching movies, grading them, analyzing actors and actresses and just generally getting steeped in film trivia are just some things I do to get myself through the day. It’s a guilty pleasure. Actually, scratch that, I feel no guilt about it (faintly embarrassed?) and I have loads of fun doing it.

By the way, Dark Water is a mediocre film with good acting by Jennifer Connelly. I know she’s a pretty phenomenal actress but I have never liked her too much before. In this flick I like her better but I don’t think I will ever be bowled over by her. I am just not into her. She doesn’t rock my boat.

I must stop now. Never, ever presume you can sustain a high energy level with only 3.5 hours of restful sleep. I am just gonna take a short nap. Tata!

popping cherries

Friend says to me: Oh my gawd, the cherry popped in my eye.
Me: ………. (Eye-popping silence)
Me: ………..Erm. What?

Apparently, the lit end of a cigarette, due to its reddish glow, is called the cherry. My friend was lying flat on his back and smoking when suddenly the cherry popped out and fell into his eye.

You learn something new everyday.

Fortunately he was not blinded and now is able to tell other people how a cherry popped in his eye. Considering the alternative, one must wonder whether that is even possible.

Anyway, I am bereft of friends. Pavitra and Shiny packed their Art-School asses off to their respective third-world countries. Never realized how much of a cohesive force Shiny was. I mean, she is the one who introduced me to the Parvation and that in my eyes will always be the best thing she did for me. Except perhaps, one certain New Years Eve party that happened a long time ago. And also obviously the friendship we share.

Shiny had a dinner thing at her house and that girl can pack a pretty good punch with her cuisine skills. I was impressed and ate a laaaaat of food. Also the wine was flowing and we didn’t fear it running out coz, being the resourceful persons we are, there were a few bottles of vodka and Black Cat whiskey solemnly standing about like they knew they had the serious responsibility of being our safety net.

We all merrily lurch into Attica where we proceed to get even more plastered. Eventually, after dancing about in witch-hats and getting felt up by a very suspicious looking character, I get pissed off at my lack of willpower and total failure in being able to keep to a study schedule that would start the next day at 10am, if and only if I left the club at 2.30am. When I finally realize that I am too plastered to even hope I will wake up at 1pm much less at 10.30, I start panicking, consult my watch which inexplicably , in some conspiracy like manner, tells me its 4.20am. I angrily walk out of club and take a taxi home. There have been some wild nights in the past where I would readily admit my inability to remember things but this was one night where I thought I got home with no ‘incidents’ because in my opinion, the fabric of my memory was in tip-top and unstained (obviously by numerous types of alcohol) condition.

But, two things contradict this condition.

1. I met some of Pavs’ friends outside Attica. This is one part I do remember. However, what I don’t remember is talking to this friend about her potentially explosive, when-I-come-back-I-will-attack, love life. I found this out around 2 days later.

2. I woke up to find a large mineral water bottle on my desk. I never buy big bottles and this one had no water in it and neither did it look new. My only explanation is that I probably met someone who gave it to me. I am not a violent person (except perhaps violent verbally) by nature so I doubt it was a fight-thing. I might have, however, got the bottle in return for a sexual favour but that would imply that I saw some value in that bottle and no drunken state is gonna make that dumpy looking bottle look like an Oscar or anything I might have wanted. This does not mean that if I did see some value in an item that was not mine I would offer sexual favours to get it. That is definitely not the case coz if it was, I would be kinda having sex all the time wouldn’t it?

I am never going to know what exactly happened unless some random weirdo taped the whole thing. Sigh.

mezzanine

i figure i might as well share some interesting things with you:

a few weeks back, the marketing department at the business school i study at had a party most specifically for the marketing majors. it was held at Club Momo, Singapore's newest club. and it was super fun. yay. i was mostly hanging with my friend Lindy and my marketing research project group made up of Maurice, Juli and Valerie. there were free beers, but it was Guiness and i don't like it too much, but i still drank it of course! also 5 dollar bacardi's, one for one. woo! anyway, i participated in a game which i thought would be a drinking competiton but it seems i jumped the gun and volunteered to arm-wrestle with a lecturer from our department. now, he had a sleevless vest on with a bandana tied around his head and being the weakling i am, get extremely intimidated. it doesn't help that there are around 250 of my fellow marketing majors standing around. but i am also extremely adept at smiling when i am fucking nervous, so while my arm was wrestled into a pile of whipped cream, i kept a beautiful smile on my face and acted all gracious until i got absorbed back into a crowd that congratulated me by atleast volunteering.. aww. anyway, i won 6th prize on the lucky draw! the prize was two tickets to Bangkok. yay. i still haven't redeemed it but i shall soon. my project mate, Valerie, who likes white men and said i was cute, won 1st prize. it was a fricking Lenovo Computer. yux i hate her. but i also love her coz shes very sweet and blur. anyhow, had a few more drinks with Lindy, Maurice and Juli until Maurice started drunkenly lurching around with a beatific smile on his face and talking about the beauty of God. then went for supper and got back home. fun fun and i didn't know that Lindy could dance so sexily.

also, i love teriyaki chicken. i have tried it at countless places. and recently, i found out that Genki Sushi which is located around 50 metres from where i stay has some pretty decent teriyaki chicken.. not the best, but guess what? i don't have to go foraging for food anymore. yay.

also people, try out KFC's coconut pie. it is to die for!!!! it's only a dollar and i bet u guys will hate it, but when i'm with coconut pie, ahm nor worriez abott nobodiez.

the guy next to me at the study room, suddenly realizes he is wearing his t-shirt the wrong way round and decides to, in sub-zero temperature, to change his t-shirt right then and there. i could, with some difficulty, accept that but when he decides to stay bare-chested for about 50 unnecessary seconds baring his flesh and armpit hair... i get a bit queasy. anyway, the bloody fellow thinks its the most normal thing to do and continues to study after getting dressed.

i have started applying for jobs, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Citibank, DBS, Lenovo and Shell are some of the companies I have applied for. now the only thing to do is to fucking get settled into accommodation but i'm so sure that's gonna be a fucking bitch. Ashanie and Anirudh and I are moving out but its not proving out to be anywhere as idealistic as i thought it would be. ideal scenario would mean we are all graduated and all willing to move out with each other. not so ideal scenario is the willingness remains but I am the only one graduating at the end of this year. Ashanie has agreed to move out with me in December, but Anirudh will only join six months later. that poses a problem. we can't get a two room apartment. and it's gonna be difficult to get a third party involved. oh its a mess which either will get sorted out quickly enough.. or it won't.. and then that will be a fuck up.

moving on, famous amos cookies can never compete with Oreos on taste... oreos are just infinitely better tasting.

lots of tv series premiered recently. lost, desperate housewives, nip/tuck and the o.c. all bring joy to my life. especially desperate housewives and nip/tuck. joely richardson is obviously the best actress alive.

bye for now.

libidinous fool

I really need to apologize for not updating for so long.
There is this compulsion to update my blog… it is almost pathological… an extension of my body which is just diseased… coz really there is nothing to update even in this drunken state…

Of course there is… ha ha.

First of all, I don’t appreciate my experiences being made a joke of. I really don’t. It fucking irritates me to hell and back. There is a difference between my making a joke of it and someone else making me feel ridiculous. I tell only very select people my personal stuff but unfortunately it is something that is amusing and a piece of information that is added to some entertainment database. I really do not appreciate it. I mean, people who know me, really do KNOW me and that is something I don’t want to be seen abused.

Of course this was written when I drunk as a bitch, and I really think I overreacted to all this. A thousand apologies for any offence caused. I just don’t want to erase something, coz then I will want to stop blogging altogether. To my credit the post is almost grammatically correct and that’s a sure sign I was drunk coz when I am, I painstakingly edit my writing so as to prevent people from catching on to what an addict I am. Sob.

Anyway, I have had some interesting experiences recently. I did get some sexual action. And it was fun as hell. It was safe so don’t worry. I feel satiated. It was a one night stand. Judge me, I don’t fucking care. Sometimes it must be done. I decided to go clubbing by myself and it paid off richly. I really do think a new comfort zone must be created that is separate from the one you have with your friends. Isolated. Independent. Mutually exclusive. No one ever understand what the other is going through, so why bother?

So I get bought drinks for me all night. Jim Beam baby! Even after I leave the scene of the crime at around 3am and go to Devil’s Bar, I still get people buying drinks for me. I think I was in heat that day and everyone who was horny could just smell the cum. Tee hee. Sometimes you just get lucky. That night however, I didn’t get any more action (apart from a little making out) and I went home quite drunk around 5.45am.

Saturday was Byron’s birthday and we had a blast at Boat Quay, Indochine and Gotham’s Penthouse. We all did sexual things to each other on the dance floor. There was a certain someone who kissed everyone in her vicinity. A certain someone proclaimed love for someone other than her lover. Haha. Well not really, but it is funny to write it. Someone had fantasies about fucking a bad dancer. Someone touched someone’s inner thigh, dangerously close to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Someone and someone had a dancing competition with another two someone’s who incidentally are related. Anyhow, had to take a friend back home coz she was drunk!! It was kind of good to get out of the haze and out of the alcohol coz it was utter chaos in there.

The next day went to another friends birthday. This time around, it was a dinner party and he had really outdone himself. There was a huge selection of food available. Salad, cold cuts, salmon, fish fillet, lamb-chop, satay’s, sausage kebabs, corn on the cob, sautéed potatoes, king prawns, fried rice, tiramisu, melon, watermelon, mango, grapes, chocolate biscuit pudding, caramel pudding and a hugeee chocolate cake. Awesome, awesome meal. Chandana was the birthday boy and he really fucking out did himself. A huge thanks to him!

After that, went with Sujan, Shashin, Ashanie and Rakhil to Brix. Finished off the remainder of the Scotch that had been bought some fine day a week or two ago. Proceeded to buy a bottle of Jim Beam at the Living Room at the Marriot! The music’s very loungy and it isn’t very nice but it got nicer as the night went along. We played I Never and we found out some very interesting things. For example, some of us had eaten our own cum, two of us had fantasized about raping a person, one of us had a fantasy about screwing an animal, some bondage had been carried out and none of us had been blown on the plane…. How sad!

Do you realize that I got drunk three times last week? Oh My God! It’s never happened like this before. I had fun though.

Highlight of Drunken Night One: The sex of course. Well not really the sex, but definitely the oral action.

Highlight of Drunken Night Two: The company of Shiny, Pavs, Ashanie and Rakhil put together!

Highlight of Drunken Night Three: The food but that came much before the alcohol. I would say, the game of I Never. Made me horny as hell. Ha ha

Anyhow, I must sign out. And I feel the need to type up something creative, as opposed to something just purely informational on this blog. Maybe next time. Whenever that might be.

and i just want to thank you

i am so immensely thankful to my friends. i really feel an absolute devotion to them. part of yesterday and today was so much fun. surely a great start to our mid term break from all things educational.

i had a pretty average exam saturday morning and because of my sleep deprived state i wasn't too thrilled to go collect our black eyed peas concert tickets with Shashin in Orchard but it turned out quite good actually. after picking up the tickets, we did a bit of shopping and i picked up a shirt from Top Man. kinda preppy shirt but i really liked it so what the hell ah? had dinner at swenson's and then came back to campus.

within 45 minutes, got dressed for drinks. drank some vodka and bacardi with byron, malinda, shavanka, nadeeka, harjote, shashin, buhary, mizran and mustafa. then left for Gotham Penthouse around 12.30am. met up with ash, fazil, shines, sujan and rakhil there. there was a bottle of black label so the alcohol was flowing quite smoothly and it was interspersed with at least 4 shots of tequila. i don't quite remember everything. then left for Attica which was quite good since cousin was there, but don't remember much of anything there either. ooops. left at around 4.45am to go have supper at Newton. the mee-goreng was really spicy and i'm really happy i can remember that. waited till 6am so that cab fares would be cheaper and shashin left back to campus whereas i cabbed it to fazil's cousin's apartment where sujan, shines, fazil and ash were chillin. had a bit more alcohol there and shot the shit for a bit. all obscene things and all things connected to masturbation, penis length and girth and god knows what else. i said god and penis length in the same sentence; going to hell for sure.

so me and shines came back to her apartment around 8am. crashed out on the bed. woke up around 1pm with a roaring headache. called a few million people but ended up talking to only pavs and ani. took some panadol and just conked out until 5.30pm. pavs came over, i showered and we left for parkway parade. had dinner at swenson's (again!) and walked around a bit. just fun to chill. then went to east coast park, sat outside coffee bean and had.... guess what... coffee. such interesting talk we had lah. all about scandalous break-ups between friends, about cute kids and i honestly don't know what else. then we took a walk to the beach where we sat down again and admired the beyootiful views of the ocean, the sky, the moon and the streaks of smoke made by taking off- and arriving airplanes. the whole package was quite mesmerizing. well, we talked about revirginisation, turtle eggs, cute turtle babies, dirty sex/almost-sex secrets, potential fun plans of hanging out for a solid 2 hours at least. then took a cab and came back home. 24-fricking hours later after i left my room. shock!

anyhow, SUCH a good day. hanging with shines and pavs today made the hangover, the excessive hair on my face, dirty boxers and acidic stomach seem totally insignificant and not much a problem. u gotta love it (them).

starburst

I have a photo frame right beside my laptop on my desk. The frame is translucent blue with a starburst of silver glitter and stars around where the photo should go. Of course, right now, it wouldn't look that great coz of all the dust but that's because I got it right before coming to university... which was three, yes, three years back.

It was given to me by mum's friend as a going away and good luck present. It came with loads of yummy lebanese desserts but the frame is what I really appreciated. I knew exactly what photograph would go in it, one of my sister and myself at our house on the day of my going-away party. That photo was there for an entire two years. Only then did I discover one with both my parents in it on what was their pseudo-honeymoon.

They are both lying down in a hammock somewhere in either Kashmir or Ooty and my mum looks shy. She has this peculiar upside-down smile which looks beautifully naughty. It was a time when she was free of all burdens in life with a man she was slowly beginning to love. My dad, a man I am afraid and regret I never knew is sitting beside her not looking particularly happy or sad but with a blank look of shock as if he doesn't know why or who is taking the photograph.

I wish I knew what was going through his mind. We can never know what another is thinking but we all pretend to because we've known them long enough to understand how they think, and what that facial-twitch or frown or smile means. We've got mental signposts based on years of experience. But I never had it. Don't get me wrong here, I don't miss him, I don't feel any particular love for him but I would have liked to know how a father would have changed my life. I want to miss him and I want to love him over and above that self-imposed obligatory love one must have for family members but it's just not possible. I just think it's unfair that so many people knew him and his own son never did. It's so ironic or surreal or whatever word that can be used in this kind of situation.

So there the photoframe sits, with its simple, natural, naïve photograph meticulously pasted in it. I take no notice of it at all most of the time but it sits there patient and bursting with love. A growing, young love for each other, for their respective families, for gulab-jamun, for goat brain, for paneer tikka, for the child that is growing inside my ma and all the love they showered on me when I was born.

I'm so lucky and I don't even fucking know it.

you know how i feel.... and i know how i feel

so tell me? do you regret anything from your past? coz surely, everyone has a past.

who gives a fuck whether it's in an 'interesting' past or not? it's still your past; no one else's.

really, no, tell me, any regrets? no regrets at the moment, but things come back... to haunt you, to taunt you, to bite you in the ass.

that bites. oh boy does it suck. listen to some oasis. it will make you feel better.

maximise your potential today. exploit your every opportunity. cannot be done dude, we live abstract lives shrouded in everything but rationality. we cannot touch our sadness, we cannot feel our feelings, we cannot stoke our irrationality.

it's a fine balance. sorry. a lifetime of regrets spread before you and no idea of what they are, only knowing, that they will be there, littering the ordinary, beautiful landscapes of routine.

blue balls

everybody I have been in contact with since I came back to Singapore has noticed at one auspicious time or another that I have been cranky and have been lapsing into periods of very awkward silences. Well that has passed! I feel cheerful these days; there seems to be no need for me to be unsociable. You know why? Because, when I do feel unsociable, I am perfectly happy sitting in my room watching a movie, chatting, studying, drinking coffee and smoking. I feel no obligation to go out and hang with friends if I don't want to. I think my problem before was that I always went out and immersed myself in company even when I knew perfectly well I would end up having a miserable time. I know exactly how it works. First, I feel tired, then some sort of resentment towards present company (however unjustified), then periods of zoning out, then periods of making an effort, then a headache and then full-blown anger towards the people I am with. And most of the time, the anger just stays in but when it comes out, I am snappish, mean, rude, below-the-belt. Oh I know this will sound sexist, but its exactly how sooo many of girlfriends are when they have their period.

It's never good to treat a friend like some kind of sounding board, but it helps time to time. I would hate people treating me like a punching bag, but there are degrees to which I can be pushed to accept and this is perfectly fine if I can have this privilege too. Ha Ha.

On a side-note, I just finished watching the eighth episode of the final season of Six Feet Under. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. It's sad. I cried. I went to the HBO site and read the synopses of the rest of the episodes too and I cried more. I feel like I've lost a family because this series is the best show I've ever watched (withSATCbitch) and has taken me through some good times while I've been in NUS. It's also been a conversation topic with a few of my bestest friends. I want to sob again. I am bereaved. I need help. Psychiatric help.

On another side-note, my roommate always knocks on the door whenever I start masturbating. I haven't had any relief in dayyssss! I'm horny as fuck. I'm hoping I get some tomorrow. Some real, unadulterated fun!!!!!! woo hoo!!!