and i just want to thank you

i am so immensely thankful to my friends. i really feel an absolute devotion to them. part of yesterday and today was so much fun. surely a great start to our mid term break from all things educational.

i had a pretty average exam saturday morning and because of my sleep deprived state i wasn't too thrilled to go collect our black eyed peas concert tickets with Shashin in Orchard but it turned out quite good actually. after picking up the tickets, we did a bit of shopping and i picked up a shirt from Top Man. kinda preppy shirt but i really liked it so what the hell ah? had dinner at swenson's and then came back to campus.

within 45 minutes, got dressed for drinks. drank some vodka and bacardi with byron, malinda, shavanka, nadeeka, harjote, shashin, buhary, mizran and mustafa. then left for Gotham Penthouse around 12.30am. met up with ash, fazil, shines, sujan and rakhil there. there was a bottle of black label so the alcohol was flowing quite smoothly and it was interspersed with at least 4 shots of tequila. i don't quite remember everything. then left for Attica which was quite good since cousin was there, but don't remember much of anything there either. ooops. left at around 4.45am to go have supper at Newton. the mee-goreng was really spicy and i'm really happy i can remember that. waited till 6am so that cab fares would be cheaper and shashin left back to campus whereas i cabbed it to fazil's cousin's apartment where sujan, shines, fazil and ash were chillin. had a bit more alcohol there and shot the shit for a bit. all obscene things and all things connected to masturbation, penis length and girth and god knows what else. i said god and penis length in the same sentence; going to hell for sure.

so me and shines came back to her apartment around 8am. crashed out on the bed. woke up around 1pm with a roaring headache. called a few million people but ended up talking to only pavs and ani. took some panadol and just conked out until 5.30pm. pavs came over, i showered and we left for parkway parade. had dinner at swenson's (again!) and walked around a bit. just fun to chill. then went to east coast park, sat outside coffee bean and had.... guess what... coffee. such interesting talk we had lah. all about scandalous break-ups between friends, about cute kids and i honestly don't know what else. then we took a walk to the beach where we sat down again and admired the beyootiful views of the ocean, the sky, the moon and the streaks of smoke made by taking off- and arriving airplanes. the whole package was quite mesmerizing. well, we talked about revirginisation, turtle eggs, cute turtle babies, dirty sex/almost-sex secrets, potential fun plans of hanging out for a solid 2 hours at least. then took a cab and came back home. 24-fricking hours later after i left my room. shock!

anyhow, SUCH a good day. hanging with shines and pavs today made the hangover, the excessive hair on my face, dirty boxers and acidic stomach seem totally insignificant and not much a problem. u gotta love it (them).

starburst

I have a photo frame right beside my laptop on my desk. The frame is translucent blue with a starburst of silver glitter and stars around where the photo should go. Of course, right now, it wouldn't look that great coz of all the dust but that's because I got it right before coming to university... which was three, yes, three years back.

It was given to me by mum's friend as a going away and good luck present. It came with loads of yummy lebanese desserts but the frame is what I really appreciated. I knew exactly what photograph would go in it, one of my sister and myself at our house on the day of my going-away party. That photo was there for an entire two years. Only then did I discover one with both my parents in it on what was their pseudo-honeymoon.

They are both lying down in a hammock somewhere in either Kashmir or Ooty and my mum looks shy. She has this peculiar upside-down smile which looks beautifully naughty. It was a time when she was free of all burdens in life with a man she was slowly beginning to love. My dad, a man I am afraid and regret I never knew is sitting beside her not looking particularly happy or sad but with a blank look of shock as if he doesn't know why or who is taking the photograph.

I wish I knew what was going through his mind. We can never know what another is thinking but we all pretend to because we've known them long enough to understand how they think, and what that facial-twitch or frown or smile means. We've got mental signposts based on years of experience. But I never had it. Don't get me wrong here, I don't miss him, I don't feel any particular love for him but I would have liked to know how a father would have changed my life. I want to miss him and I want to love him over and above that self-imposed obligatory love one must have for family members but it's just not possible. I just think it's unfair that so many people knew him and his own son never did. It's so ironic or surreal or whatever word that can be used in this kind of situation.

So there the photoframe sits, with its simple, natural, naïve photograph meticulously pasted in it. I take no notice of it at all most of the time but it sits there patient and bursting with love. A growing, young love for each other, for their respective families, for gulab-jamun, for goat brain, for paneer tikka, for the child that is growing inside my ma and all the love they showered on me when I was born.

I'm so lucky and I don't even fucking know it.

you know how i feel.... and i know how i feel

so tell me? do you regret anything from your past? coz surely, everyone has a past.

who gives a fuck whether it's in an 'interesting' past or not? it's still your past; no one else's.

really, no, tell me, any regrets? no regrets at the moment, but things come back... to haunt you, to taunt you, to bite you in the ass.

that bites. oh boy does it suck. listen to some oasis. it will make you feel better.

maximise your potential today. exploit your every opportunity. cannot be done dude, we live abstract lives shrouded in everything but rationality. we cannot touch our sadness, we cannot feel our feelings, we cannot stoke our irrationality.

it's a fine balance. sorry. a lifetime of regrets spread before you and no idea of what they are, only knowing, that they will be there, littering the ordinary, beautiful landscapes of routine.

blue balls

everybody I have been in contact with since I came back to Singapore has noticed at one auspicious time or another that I have been cranky and have been lapsing into periods of very awkward silences. Well that has passed! I feel cheerful these days; there seems to be no need for me to be unsociable. You know why? Because, when I do feel unsociable, I am perfectly happy sitting in my room watching a movie, chatting, studying, drinking coffee and smoking. I feel no obligation to go out and hang with friends if I don't want to. I think my problem before was that I always went out and immersed myself in company even when I knew perfectly well I would end up having a miserable time. I know exactly how it works. First, I feel tired, then some sort of resentment towards present company (however unjustified), then periods of zoning out, then periods of making an effort, then a headache and then full-blown anger towards the people I am with. And most of the time, the anger just stays in but when it comes out, I am snappish, mean, rude, below-the-belt. Oh I know this will sound sexist, but its exactly how sooo many of girlfriends are when they have their period.

It's never good to treat a friend like some kind of sounding board, but it helps time to time. I would hate people treating me like a punching bag, but there are degrees to which I can be pushed to accept and this is perfectly fine if I can have this privilege too. Ha Ha.

On a side-note, I just finished watching the eighth episode of the final season of Six Feet Under. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. It's sad. I cried. I went to the HBO site and read the synopses of the rest of the episodes too and I cried more. I feel like I've lost a family because this series is the best show I've ever watched (withSATCbitch) and has taken me through some good times while I've been in NUS. It's also been a conversation topic with a few of my bestest friends. I want to sob again. I am bereaved. I need help. Psychiatric help.

On another side-note, my roommate always knocks on the door whenever I start masturbating. I haven't had any relief in dayyssss! I'm horny as fuck. I'm hoping I get some tomorrow. Some real, unadulterated fun!!!!!! woo hoo!!!

balls of light

Friday was a good day. It started off quite underwhelmingly even though I should have been feeling a bit more nervous. You see, I had a test on Marketing Research and my mind was very badly muddled with the differences between concepts, constructs, extraneous variables, intervening variables and other such shite. But, I wasn't feeling it, it being the usual nervousness I feel when this confusion has the potential to confuse me, fail me. Instead, I flipped through the book with ease, which might be taken as a sign of great confidence but really the only way I could be ignorant of what I had not studied..... Anyhow, the class was pretty good and the test was... confusing but I think I did pretty well.

I met up with Nadeeka and Shashin for lunch after that. It was a very minimalistic lunch. I mean the food was alright, the conversation pretty sparse but I think we all left quite content. I think it's that time of the semester when you realize that leisurely lunches are not all that much of a necessity and lunch is not something you plan other events, more mundane events around but rather something you fit into a schedule. squeeze it in because you don't want to grab a curry puff, chocolate bar or some other unhealthy thing for something as sacred and so motherly-infused as lunch.

Came back, slept for a measely one and a half hours and then went for a meeting. I have joined a marketing plan competition for a brand of sanitary napkins called Kotex Dri-Comfort. We need to plan a year's marketing communications campaign for the brand with a budget of SG$500,000. It's very interesting work but I can totally forsee these meetings taking their toll on me and my haphazard schedule where I like to keep entire periods of time free so that I can possibly chill, zone out or meet up with friends. Hell, I shouldn't be complaining since this is what I hope to do in the long term. The meeting went for a very short time, after which I went home and slept for another 1 hour to keep my spirits up for........ Pavs' Dinner Party.

This girl and her flatmates put on one hell of a party. First and foremost, the apartment was in impeccable condition. The apartment is beautiful and these girls have nicely done it up. What struck me most and still does, is Pavs' room. It's very understated. The only thing remotely ostentatious about the room is the purple/pink balls of light she's hung on her wall. It's beautiful and it totally brings out everything else in the room. The pictures of her and her family, her bed, her curtains take on a completely different tone and colour because of these balls of light and it makes me feel like a child again. I am fascinated by light, especially lights of different colours in the dark. I am reminded of days in Colombo during Vesak when my uncle takes us out to see the pandols and the lanterns adorning the city. Every conceivable colour in every possibile receptacle of light splashed everywhere. I love it. In my garden back home, in the old house (now, it's been converted to concrete to accommodate our fucking vehicles), we had a custard apple tree and a frangipani tree. On these trees we used to hang small paper lanterns with a candle in each of them. My heart used to burn, when the lanterns caught fire because the wind was too strong. I used to love coming out in the night to just stare at these blurs of light (if you scrunch up your eyes) the same way I used to crawl under our Christmas tree at night to take in the aroma of the pine and bathe in the iridescent light.

Chh. I digress. The entire apartment was set in darkness with only a few spots of light, graciously provided by candles set around the place. The liquor flowed, the music loud as shit, the food slowly but steadily getting over and the crowd absolutely raucous and disgraceful in their behaviour. I don't understand how my friends... FRIENDS.. and I can just touch each other, grind with each other and still be as platonic as we are. It just feels comfortable and natural and quite hilarious. We have no boundaries and it might or might not come back to haunt us in the future but right now, I put my friends up there on a well-deserved pedestal.

So we slowly got drunk on wine, vodka and Bacardi and countless repetitions of the elephunk theme, striptease and galang. Also, we drank everyone else’s alcohol. After getting done with that, we bought another bottle and selfishly kept it hidden from everyone so only we had access to it. In that inebriated state, we entertained someone not usually in our group and some accusations were made against me. I don’t want to go into it right now, but if you think I spread rumours, then think again, because even though I gossip like an old Sindhi lady, my gossip is purely directed towards people I know, love and trust implicitly. My offended sensibilities slowly took in more alcohol and before I knew it, I was having fun again.

I shudder to think of what we did to Pavs’ room. We spilt alcohol, coke, cigarette ash and sugary syrup all over. I would never have been able to take it but the beautiful owner of the beautiful room was too busy looking for a phone that was believed to be stolen but was actually lying a foot away from her. Quite hilarious but how can I possibly afford to talk? I once, went up to random people in a club and asked them to look for my room key which I thought I had lost. Eventually, after asking about a thousand people about it, I realized I had given it to my friend for safekeeping. Some of these random people turned out to be Sri Lankans and after that, I have forever been branded as the useless fucker who’s a cheap drunk. Anyway, that is not the point. We were too fucked to care about anything else at that point and we happily set off to Club Momo.

For once, the guys, Anirudh and Myself, got in free while the girls had to pay. Sexism is back in fashion. Yay. Club was disappointing, so after a while we just sat outside, talking about a certain someone and referring in that context to one particular commandment set out in that all-consuming, all-empowering book called the Bible. We also ate some of the oiliest fried chicken which turned out to be fucking tasty. After that, we parted and came home. Ashanie was drunk, Anirudh coming out of some haze hanging around him (call it the happiness, totally not underwhelmed haze) and myself, angry with God knows whatever reason. Went back to room and did mundane things like check email, brush teeth, listen to some non-party music and then I slept like a fucking baby.

So all in all, minus the accusation, this party was a roaring, disgustingly drunk success. And now since, I was interrupted while typing this post and am now typing this 4 hours after I started it, I have totally forgotten the tone I wanted to end this post with.

So, bye.

striptease for me baby

how nice would it be if one could just do anything one wanted, without feeling that one would offend or piss off anyone else, or just that you didn't care even if you did?

I would love to tell the taxi driver to stuff it if he started talking to me and I didn't feel like reciprocating, which is most of the time. I would really relish the opportunity to slap all those people who try to get on to the bus without waiting for people to get out. With campus bursting at its seams these days, this is something that occurs on a daily basis. I really don't know how to deal with my anger when people at the bus stop push themselves up even though they know that people are still pushing their way out of the damn bus. The other day I called a girl an asshole when she did it and even though she was a fucking bitch to do what she did, the look on her face-one of pure terror-is something I am quite ashamed of. It's like my head just implodes when something like this happens. It's pretty scary when you come to think of it because I really do think I might be regressing into a childhood characterized by a very bad temper.

I normally get annoyed with over-zealous taxi drivers and the bus people, but the anger is never concentrated enough to verbalize itself. That my dears, is fucking scary.

The queue's in Singapore are something I have never had the patience for but over time I have come to deal with them (mostly by calling a cab, walking to a smaller one, or smoking excessively to while away the time). Of recent times, however, I just become rude, crotchety and downright mean when it comes to standing in queues. I am ashamed to tell you that even though the people at the PGP canteen have been nothing but nice to me, I just snap out my order and wait in silence for my food to come, even though they look at me and try to start a conversation. My behavior is shockingly disgraceful but what does one do when one feels so alienated and unsociable? I wish I didn't have to venture out into the open but I can't be expected to cook my own food, manufacture my own medicine or wash my clothes in my room.

Anyway, let us all hold each other's hands and hope that all of this is just a phase. However, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly before and after all the touching.

sensation

It went down my throat. It felt fucking good. The fumes finally took effect. Their necessary effect. Why do I stick to the sticks? It only complements, it satisfies, completely, wholly when there is a glass in my hand, full of that bourbon and Bacardi. Yet the cigarettes take over my life. The drink encroaches on my life but the smoke asphyxiates me. And guess what? I like it. Hell, I love it.

The concept of being an undergraduate has been exploited. Terribly.

I struggle to understand why I am not yet in love, why no one is in love with me. I tell myself that maybe I am sinking but that is such a fucking cliché. It’s really a lack of opportunity. Or so I tell myself. I don’t believe in a soul mate, which means I believe I can fall in love with anyone, anywhere as long as the circumstances are correct but where is that temporary soul mate of mine? Ah, if only I could answer that. Ah, if only it were that easy.

I speak to random people and sometimes I find them easier to handle than old friends. Old friends mean the best (sometimes) but they can bring you down. Subconsciously, or intentionally, their words can hurt you. It’s all so immature. Every comment, every counter attack is just useless. We must deal with and move on. If there’s anything I have learnt in this world is that things change and so does love. It only evolves into hate.

Even though we don’t know it.

done to death

I am curious about something. If I was called upon, maybe in a hot-shot advertising agency to formulate a marketing campaign on chocolate how would I go about doing it?

I know the 'sinfulness' of chocolate is a concept that has been done to death. I am tempted to assume that there might be an execution that is still out there which could be quite mind-blowing but honestly I don't think I have the goods to come up with one. I must say however, that brands by the name of Sin, Original Sin and Tempt don't do anything for me. There is so much competition out there these days it terrifies me. It tells me that unique concepts are running out and in the future, whoever has the best technology, best execution (colours, situational difference) will come out tops. Maybe there will be an award titled ''Best Sinful Chocolate Ad".

How about going back to the original consumers of chocolate? Children. Why not come up with something so delicious, so candy-flossish, so Willy-Wonka-ish that children and adults who enter a store will be transported to an old world atmosphere riddled with an array of chocolate so diverse and colourful it would make Absolut's global campaign executives cast their heads down in shame? Strip off the slick, sexual innuendo and introduce a quiet, suburbia, heady kind of feel to the stores and I am sure it will stand out from the intolerable modernity of cities such as Singapore. Harry Potter worked didn't it?

Oh I know, I know, you probably can come up with a million criticisms to my half-measures but I think I would be willing to try it out. To replicate that ol'worlde shoppe atmosphere could be a very big challenge, but I would love for chocolate marketing to return to its roots and forget about trying to get horny by it, give it as a gift on Valentines but buy it just coz it's purely awesome chocolate and visiting the store itself becomes a trip down to those base childhood memories. However, the marketing for this kind of campaign would have to be relatively small-scale coz we would be playing on the atmosphere on the store to a large extent (the taste of course being priority, but there are soo many delicious chocolates out there) and of course, in the day and age of mass marketing, an idea such as this would possibly only appeal to the everyday entrepreneur and not some hoity-toity conglomerate.

But, niche products have done fantastically well in the past so why reject this idea? Of course the idea is far from original but I think it's a good place to start from. Actually, ripping off the idea from Willy Wonka, don't you think that by creating a personality like him, it would do wonders for sales? I mean WHY NOT place golden tickets in your chocolates and instead of offering Samsung phones or iPods, offer a magical tour of some place you have created.

That's the big picture. And in case you wondered and you were really, really dumb, I'm a big fan of Roald Dahl's book, the old movie and the new movie. I do think however, that Johnny Depp although brilliant in his role, doesn't hold a candle to Gene Wilder's Wonka from the original movie.

I don't know whether to take my idea seriously or not. I mean if I took it seriously, then seriously, there would be nothing serious I could do with the satisfaction of taking it seriously cuz seriously, I have no resources.

thread of continuity? absent

I fall in love with nice people. And that bites.

I must look for better prospects. I have not consciously looked into the bitchy camp, obviously, since i'm not a masochist but hey, maybe one fucking day I will find someone suitable for me.

Also, I've always wondered how people who get offended by words such as fuck etc read stuff like my blog which is bursting with it. I mean seriously how? Do they say it in their heads and feel a certain kind of remorse for even thinking of the word or do they just make an effort not to take it in? I mean do they actually preempt the onslaught of obscenities by replacing them with innocuous words such as making love, music, zodiac signs yadayada? Or, do they mutter some disapproval for the person writing it and move on?

Well anyway it's a thought! If you guys do say it in your heads, then obviously you shouldn't have a problem with saying it aloud right? Especially if it is used to add emphasis to your sentences (it's a short-cut to laying emphasis, it takes a literary mastermind to continually, untiringly place emphasis in a non-obscene manner) and not a malicious way. Of course, my blog has a rather generous helping of both.

Tsk. Tsk. Very indulgent. But don't be too quick to get that distaste for blogs for their self-indulgence. Think of it as just another way of expressing oneself, much like, buying your favorite band's CD, expressing some rather strong/controversial opinion in a conversation which you think borders on intellectualism or even drinking coffee to stay awake and study harder and therefore get good grades which, because of the bell curve, is a statement that your better than most others.

Every criticism has elements of hypocrisy. And.. and.. I have run out of things to blabber about.

little capsules of life

Back in Singapore! I’m happy to be back. Some tiny bit of me misses Colombo but not all that much. I feel a kind of apathy which I felt all through my holidays. I thought getting away from home and family would put me into a better mood but it hasn’t happened. Which means what? My home and family were not to blame in the first place.

It’s just me.

I feel very out of place, like Singapore doesn’t give me the sanctuary I was craving for. Well hopefully this feeling will pass and I shall be happy again. There is nothing in particular that depresses me at the moment but neither is there anything that excites me. I don’t feel like going clubbing (I did for a bit but that desire wore off pretty soon), no mood to watch loads of movies or TV (watching Lost and Six Feet Under, but not getting addicted to it), smoking too much (a legacy of hanging with perpetual smokers back home, not blaming them, coz I lurve them) and sleep always seems like the best option these days. So yeah, fuck it, it will pass. I know it will.

Optimism at its best, wouldn’t you say?

I have a roommate! It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, its NOT bad at all. He’s a very quiet guy very much into his rock music and who keeps to himself. Being a verbose kind of guy I have to pull him into mundane bits of conversation which include asking him which kid he thinks is sweetest in the photograph of baby cousins and then tricking him into believing that one of them is mine. Haha. I swear the look he had on his face was pure hilarity. I make all this up coz except for a moment of confusion it was very unlikely that he believed me. See, what boring topics I have to talk about? Anyway, he is Indian but has been staying in Mauritius for some time. Oh yeah and his name is Ram. He’s out quite a lot of the time and I alternate between feeling relief coz then I get the required amounts of ‘alone time’ (hmm) and jealousy coz he has more of a life than me. It always is a fucking competition for me sometimes. Maybe that’s why I feel apathetic coz I’ve slowed down the pace of my life and tried to be indifferent. Indifference kills by the way.

Chatting quite a bit to Pavs these days. Its really quite funny you know? The moment I have to leave the chat or she does, we say our byes and whatevers and then all of a sudden we feel compelled to leave a by the way or PS and the next thing you know, its 7am and we’re doing the oh-fuck-its-fucking-morning-ok-bye! It is kinda lovely to be able to talk like that. A toast to the silver lining in my not-so-fucked-up life!

I am very removed from what is happening in Colombo. I mean why would I give a fuck? I obviously mean the political killings and sky-rocketing crime rates. What can I feel or think that will be just drastically alter what is going on anyway? Absolutely nothing. So I am not gonna feel anything for something just because it is the right thing to do. I can’t be bothered anymore. But I do feel as if Minister’s sons should be straitjacketed as soon as humanly possible. Drugs should be banned, except weed of course. Alcohol should be served to people above the age of 18. And people should get into the Blue Elephant on a first come, first served basis. There is a possibility that all of these might come true except for that ridiculous comment I made about the Blue Elephant. How can that ever be the case? The Blue will always serve customers based on the amount of alcohol they will buy and those who can will always feel that their popularity with the girls is only because of their fantastic good looks/personality and absolutely nothing to do with the stuffing in their pants. The stuffing’s obviously money. Just thought I would clarify.

I’m being unnecessarily bitter, but we all need to fucking grow up. Being 24, still getting drunk three times a week, marginally employed at poppa’s office, screwing around and being a complete dick to those around you is not a fucking life. Get a clue.

Ok, so if this happens to me, please shut up about it.

soundtrack of life

Opening Credits: Silence- Sarah Mclachlan & Delerium (OST Brokedown Palace)

Waking up: Hayling- FC Kahuna/The Lonely Shepherd- Zamfir (OST Kill Bill)

Average Day: Independence Day- Martina McBride

First Date: Like the deserts miss the rain- Everything but the girl

Falling in Love: Happy Together- K Young/Tere Mere Pyar Sanam- Bombay Vikings

Love Scene: That's All- Michael Buble/Bheegey Honth- OST Murder

Breaking up: Natural Blues- Moby/Unchained Melody- The Righteous Brothers

Getting Back Together: Woh Lamhe- Zeher (?)

Secret Love: They- Jem

Everything's Okay: Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse

Mental Breakdown: Just Another Day- Jon Secada/911- Wyclef Jean feat. Mary J. Blige

Self- Discovery Journey: When Sussanah Cries- Espen Lind

Learning a Lesson: Vindicated- Dashboard Confessionals

Angry: Clouds in my coffee- Carly Simon

Deep Thought: Babylon- David Gray

Flashback: Careless Whisper/Last Christmas- George Michael

Sad: The Blower's Daugher- Damien Rice/Wonderwall- Ryan Adams

High School Scene: If you leave me now- Chicago

Best Friends: Get Busy- Sean Paul/Galvanize- The Chemical Brothers/Turn me on- Kevin Little

Partying: Candy Shop-50 Cent/Hey Mr.Dj- Rihanna

Happy Dance: For my people- Missy Elliot

Sexy Scene: You- Lucy Pearl

One Night Stand: Burn- Usher

Long Night Alone: You are my everything- Mary J.Blige/Angels- Wax Poetic feat. Norah Jones

Closing Credits: Summertime- Fantasia

end of days

Work ended on Friday and it was a pretty good day. I actually finished off whatever was pending and handed it in to the relevant parties. I was working on Procter & Gamble’s Rejoice shampoo which although is an enormously successful international brand (1000 bottles sold per minute), is kind of a dead product in the local market. What I had to do was just do some consumer and trade research to shed some light on what P&G can do to revive the brand in Sri Lanka. Well I had been sitting on the research I had done for over a week so I just had to get it all out and properly put it together in a short, coherent report type of thing. Apart from that, I just hung about taking smoking breaks intermittently with some of my usual smoking buddies, Shehara and Petrina.

During lunch hour, I met up with some of my non-work friends at Commons. I had the teriyaki chicken rice with some trepidation (because, you know, in Singapore, you get some kick-ass teriyaki chicken) but quite wonderfully (?), it tasted great. Now I know, this piece of information is totally boring and interesting to YOU, but for me it was an amazing stroke of luck. How very refreshing. I also went to the mall to get a gift for a friend and weirdly, I bumped into an old friend who gave me a bit of shocking news about himself but let us not get into that here.

After lunch, I came back to the office and went with Shehara to my house to pick up the cream buns and éclairs I had bought to distribute it around the office. It being my last day, I thought, why not treat the people who have figured very deeply in the reason why I enjoyed the internship so much. Anyhow, that went alright since I got a piece of the treat too!

Came back home around 6.30pm and relaxed for a while until Ashanie calls and tells me to come for a drink to the Library. Since I hadn’t seen her for aeons, I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to chill with her and get us both updated on the happenings in our life. Anyway, I get ready around 10 45pm and meet her at the Library and her generous boyfriend just keeps the drinks coming. It was SO nice to sip screwdrivers for once, especially after having drunk hundreds of litres of arrack & coke over the past 3 months. Needless to say, the party didn’t end there. We continued onto R’n’B which is a pub-club type thing very close to where I live. Ash’s boyfriend’s good friend was there too and he entertained us with stories about hostile cervixes, sperm motility, umbilical cords and bleeding vaginas. In case you didn’t guess already, he is a gynaecologist! Very fun!

Met up with Shavanka at R’n’B and had a jolly good time getting absolutely wasted. By the time the festivities ended, it was around 3am. Shavanka and I dropped Ash home and then drove around for a while because I was sooo not in a state to go home!! Anyway, it was 4am by the time I reached home and thank the lord, mum was pretty much comatose so didn’t get into any trouble. I woke up the next morning in a bit of a panic because I couldn’t remember where I had hidden my cigarettes but luckily for me, I opened up the book cupboard and there they were, in plain sight! So trouble was fully averted.

The rest of the morning, afternoon and evening were spent in zombie-like state as I slowly got over my hangover and prepared myself for another night of partying ahead of me. Some of the guys at LB and a few friends thought they would throw me a farewell party/get-together type thing and I of course didn’t complain. Anyway, it was held at Arun’s flat which is right opposite the prison but ironically so, his flat looked anything but sinister. Arun’s a guy who works in the creative department at LB and until yesterday I didn’t realize he’s a very cool guy.

You would think that interning for two months at a place chock full of party-animals would have prepared me for the amount of high-inducing materials floating around at this party, but you would have thought wrong. There was at the very least, lots of booze. Old Reserve arrack is the only way to go! Then there were smokes, as usual. Lots of weed, yay! Jelly shots! Liquor chocolates! The Complete Works! Even Shakespeare would have stared in shock and disbelief with naughty thoughts running through his head. By 2.30 we were all pretty much gone and we decided that it was a good time to go home. I had so much fun!

Anyhow, I’m pretty bored with this post so I shall end now.

Oh fuck… no work tomorrow. What the fuck am I going to do?

Sleep? Sounds good lah.
Must stop having conversations with myself. Resolution #1.

pain.

I see all. I see the discreet looks of affection. I see the masks of indifference. I see the subtle allocation of space; of seats; of moments. I see the signs. Smoke, toxic smoke.

Yet I don’t see the flames. I introspect in retrospect but hope never wavers until I am caught up in a tangle of thoughts, fears and scars.

gushing

Oh man. My last day at work is coming up this Friday. If I had thought about this day all the way back in the first week of work my face would have lit up like a damn Vesak pandol. However, now I don’t know what the hell to think! I know all this is possibly the usual idealization process one goes through when something comes to an end (a topic I have dealt with both implicitly and explicitly in previous posts) but I do feel intensely sad.

It’s the people I will miss. Definitely. It’s quite unbelievable that almost all the people in this firm are friendly and willing to really let their hair down (or hair up with some gel) and have a complete blast. Oh god. I think if there was ever a person to gush about Leo Burnett Solutions Sri Lanka it would be me. The brainwashing certainly worked!! If this is the effect firms like LB intend to have on their interns, then it completely worked on me. Right now, I feel like I am the biggest advocate for the firm.

It does seem appropriate to mention that I am not in the ideal position to actually comment on how good/bad LB is as a firm. It seems nice, but I’m only a lowly intern so how can I make a fully informed evaluation? Anyway, who said I needed to be objective to have an opinion? Yes, your right, NO ONE! I think it would be a lovely place to work or at the very least, hang with the people in the office!! There’s a quote in this book I was reading that says, advertising is the rock n’roll of the business world! I know I messed up the quote someway but u betta have got the point!

I think the reason why I feel an intense sadness is coz my need for affiliation is not being fulfilled. There’s a huge history behind the lives and relationships of the people working at LB and life’s just gonna continue as per normal after I leave, so where do I stand? Have I made an impact on ANYONE’S life? I feel as I have made good friends in the 2 months I’ve worked here but is it reciprocated? Does it matter? Do I have to know? I know ignorance is bliss but…but.. I mean should all this analysis even happen as long as I have enjoyed myself? A friend told me sometime back that I should stop trying to please everyone coz I am the only one who will end up hurt and disappointed but I am not trying to please EVERYONE. It’s just the people I care about that matter, i.e. my friends. Oh man, in other words, I just want to be loved. Yeah, yeah, I’ve said it again and to some extent I’m not ashamed to say it!

You see what a pointless argument this is? It’s downright annoying. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be secure. I want to know that I have enhanced someone’s life in some little way. Maybe that’s egotistic (egoistic?) of me but flattery gets you everywhere don’t you think? Ha ha. Trivializing things helps. But if you trivialize things (things you have built up before) that others deem trivial anyway, does that redeem yourself in their eyes? This is all convoluted! My questions never have any sure-shot answers do you realize?

I end this post as confused as ever.

choice dependency

Last night I got locked in my room. I had just changed into my house clothes after coming back from work when I tried the door and it refused to open. We have had similar problems like this before so I thought with a little pushing the door would just fly open. That was not to be unfortunately because it was only after 50 minutes of frustration that the key-cutter, Yusuf, came over and mutilated our lock so much that the door just popped open. Never have I been so relieved to see the rest of my house!

It just goes to show that when we do not have the choice to do anything else we immediately feel our present circumstances are crap. I mean the room itself is a perfect place to chill since it has everything I need in it (except food). My books, laptop, music, water, air-conditioner are all encapsulated in that tiny little room. But just because I was locked in there, I really, really needed to get out. It was strange. We are a bunch of malcontents because the grass is truly greener on the other side, but eventually it’s never green enough. I could have waited in that room for hours on end and not have had the slightest urge to get out but this craving, this addiction for the outside came over me and I got a bit freaked out. I think my claustrophobia was just a subset of some fundamental truth about who we are and we exist in this world. Having the choice to do something else is the key to my peace of mind but that doesn’t mean those choices are amazing or even remotely accessible.

I also got to thinking about how very dependent we are on the most mundane things in life. I mean the fricking lock fell apart and I couldn’t get out for 50 minutes. Oh sure, sure, not a big deal at all but what if no one had been at home to open the door for key-cutter? Serious shit lah. On similar lines, take the telephone. If your phone is out of order, you can’t call your grocery store for your daily order, you can’t connect to the internet, you can’t call the key-cutter when you want them. It’s all about being inconvenienced; we just can’t take it. Imagine, if we somehow apparated into the 14^th century and had to travel on horseback for 22 days to see a priest so he could see a medicine man? Or tell someone his wife was sleeping with someone else?

It’s so hot. I can’t take it.

impulsion/compulsion

24^th July 2005
18:55 hours

I have just come back from a trip to Ginigathena in the hills of Sri Lanka. I am dog tired but I need to get this down before my memories fade and my emotions become diluted. I know I am going against an oath I gave at the moment we parted (which was never to repeat, re-enact or write anything to anyone other than our group about what happened on the trip), but I don’t really care since the only people who read my blog are either not connected with the people I went with or people I went with on the trip.

Well so anyway let me start. My work colleague calls me into her office on Friday morning and tells me that they are leaving on a trip right after work on that day and asks me whether I would like to come along. I thought about it and since I am leaving work in less than a week, I said okay, even though I knew my mother was very angry about me going. I go home after work, change and pack and come back to the office. I hang with my two ‘homies’ until we set off.

I was in a vehicle with a guy called Ranga who was driving, Mehnaz, Mat and Shyala. At that time I didn’t know, but I found out on the way that there were 13 of us altogether who were going. This seems like a good time to say the names. Karyll’s a person who works at LB and she is, I think, the funniest person alive. Her humour is very dead-pan and I just lap up every joke of hers with an awful-sounding laugh. She’s the one who organized the whole trip and every bit of the trip was enhanced by her presence. A clink-clink to her. She also realized that she knew my sister in primary school and her reaction went like this, ‘OMG FUCK A DUCK…. YOUR GINA’S LITTLE BROTHER????’ Petrina is also from LB and she is Karyll’s very good friend. She and her boyfriend Shohan are very nice people and great company. She is also very good looking. He he. Shohan’s supposed to be a complete sport; he apparently will fit in anywhere with anyone and I can believe that. Then there was Shehara, the pierced chick in previous posts and fellow cigarette-break taker. Sala (a.k.a Magic box), Brandon (a.k.a flamboyant one), Eshara (a.k.a Aussie-mate) were all there too. Sala and Brandon both work at J. Walter Thompson, a rival advertising agency. Eshara is Shehara’s (tongue twisted already?) cousin and is getting married in December. They are all very good company. Then there is Mehnaz who also works at LB and has been ever since its establishment in Sri Lanka 6 years ago. His friend Ranga, a quiet guy into producing music and a complete gadget freak. He has an Acer Ferrari laptop, a Nokia palmtop/phone and a gadget that emits a laser attached to his windscreen to detect a Police speed detector from a distance of almost 1km so that he can slow down and pass by without a hitch. Amazing. Very nice guy. There was also Nicolas, a French intern just recently joined for about six months. He just about showed his ass to everyone around 4 times during the trip and he had a good time even though he is very quiet. Then comes Shyala (a.k.a angel-eyes) who is very sweet and a genuinely nice person. She has this peculiar habit of arguing with you that starts off quite explosively. Fortunately for her, we enjoy these outbursts and I, for one will tease her about this till I go back which again, fortunately for her is only about a week away. Sob. Last but not least is my boss, Mat. Mat is also a peculiar creature. He is very outdoorsy which can be QUITE tiresome if you are a city-boy like me coz we have vastly differing opinions about EVERYTHING in life, but it is nice to have a little debate in your life. Being a very intense person he doesn’t talk much but he has an interesting views on life and when he does talk, you know it’s going to make you laugh or grind your teeth in frustration because when trees fall in the forest, irrespective of whether you were there or not, they MAKE A NOISE!!!!

Anyway when we arrived at our bungalow it was about 10pm. It was an awesome place. The house was situated on a small hill and it was surrounded on one side by a tea estate and on the other just a forest. In the backdrop there were hills with swirls of mist at their summits. The mist was just swirling about and coming down to our level at times and then retreating. Very peaceful and nice. We could even see the white-water rapids in the distance. There were papaw trees in which hornbills sat and pecked at the ripe fruit. In addition to papaw trees, there were rambutan, mangosteen and even jambu trees on the premises of the bungalow. The place had a natural water pool in which water from the wells get filtered into the pool. It was gorgeous. It was absolute heaven to sit on the porch, drinking tea in the morning and potent liquids at night and letting the feel of the place just wash over you.

The drinking started at around 11pm after a spot of dinner. The music played while all of us sat around drinking and shooting the shit around till around 4.30am. Brandon and Sala sang vulgar songs for us and Karyll provided the accompanying instruments (two plastic bottles of Pepsi and Sprite) with regular spurts of ‘Ah-Ah’. It was thoroughly entertaining. In my drunken state I made regular trips to the room where Shy and Mat were and had conversations with them insisting vigorously that I was not that drunk and I would be able to remember everything about the conversation the next morning. As you can see, I did. Smugness. :p

Later on in the morning, I was woken up by Mat at 7fuckingAM. Nicolas, Shyala, Mat, Shohan and I drove to the reservoir close by to take photographs and just chill. We had tea in a small joint built on a tree and since we were not satisfied by our adventures decided to drive around more to see what more we could do. Shohan then stops over at a place which has a board saying ‘this was the place where ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ was filmed’. Obviously we had to check it out. Like smart arses, however, we decided not to use the usual path, instead opting for a less-used path. We took a raft/ferry of sorts over the river to the other side and trekked a pretty long path down to a lake. You won’t believe this but even though the film was made here, there is no indication whatsoever to say that Hollywood has touched this place with its magic Oscar winning wand. You know why? Coz the Bridge was blown up in the movie. So the Bridge has to be there only in spirit for those who decide to come there to see it. Especially those who use the less-used path. So, we trek and trek and trek and finally we come to the river which can only be accessed if you walk around 15 metres down some rocks. I thought it looked like any normal thing until Nicolas tried to surf down these slippery rocks. He tried it but he immediately slipped down on his butt and on his butt he skidded down 10 metres at least. All of us just cracked up. That image is seared in my mind. They say what goes around, comes around and the next moment I fell down hard on my ass. I got up and fell again. Finally I slowly slid down to the sandy beach. I dreaded going back up again but my boss helped me up and even though I felt quite inadequate, I was very, very grateful. Still it was fun to come there and I have no regrets. Also one can’t forget the leeches. The area was infested with these blood-sucking bastards and each of us got at least one bite on our legs and elsewhere in much darker places. These creatures roll themselves into almost an invisible ball on the ground. When you step on them, they uncoil themselves and latch onto the furrows on your shoe. They make their way slow and steady up the shoe to your legs and then latch themselves on your flesh and just keep on sucking blood until (1). You discover it and pull it off by rubbing salt on it (2). You discover it and burn it off with a cigarette lighter (3). You discover it and decide to pull it out whereby which their teeth get left behind making you a primary target for infection (4) You do not discover it and it sucks up to its fill and falls off which leaves you a little bloody since it takes extra long for the wound to clot up and (5) You do not discover it and it sucks your blood until it explodes and you are left stained by the blood which has just been sucked out of your bloodstream. And very rarely, according to a newspaper report seen only by Karyll, the leech crawls up your vagina (if you have one) and lays its eggs there and you bleed profusely till you die of infection if you are not operated on immediately.

In the afternoon, this time all of us decide to venture out for another adventure. We pack a picnic and set out to see the Aberdeen waterfalls which are about an hour away. After we get to the place, we park our vehicles and start walking ourselves to the waterfall. This time, there were more people around and it was quite fun to walk down these paths with occasional hysterical screams from Petrina, Eshara and Brandon about attacking leeches. However, Karyll couldn’t do it coz her knees were just about to give way so myself, Petrina and Brandon decide to wait with her and not go to the waterfall. I was quite glad to get out of it coz I’m not a very confident person and I feel my lack of confidence just slows the group down and I’d rather let down myself than the group. So I stayed behind. It was quite fun to chat with these three and we walked back to the vehicles to wait for the rest of the group. We talked about blow jobs, sex in strange situations and how fucking annoying the leeches were until they came back 2 frickking hours later!!! Anyway, the drive back was VERY enjoyable as I placed by butt on the door of the car and hoisted myself outside and held on to the roof the car. It was really exhilarating to feel the wind blow through my hair and the sting of the cold on my cheeks. We bought more beer and cigarettes on the way back to our bungalow.

All of rested awhile before getting into some action again. Myself, Shyala, Karyll and Mat had a good talk before being called for drinks at 9pm. It was as usual a talk about sex, noisy sex, Burgher life and Harry Potter. Over rum and cokes we played ‘I Never’ and we found out some interesting things about various different people. Some of the stuff that ‘came out’ were related to bondage, sex with fruits, gay kisses, pissing in the pool and having fantasies about teachers. As you can see, the subject never strays too far from sex. Sex is the universal language as we soon found out in the next game which was ‘Truth, Dare or Kiss’. Again, without mentioning names, some of the stuff we did were as follows: miming masturbation and going down techniques, running naked, kissing nipples, licking ears and noses etc etc. Unbelievable. After a round of ghost stories, stalker stories and creepy stories we all retire to our beds at the very early hour of 1.30am.

Miraculously we all got to sleep till 9am hence explaining the lack of a hangover. We then shoot the shit a little longer over a cup of tea and a cigarette. Myself and Shehara decide to go for a walk to the natural pool and she dares me to get in. I strip down to my boxers and jump (well walk) in. It was freezing cold and quite enjoyable. The pool was 14 feet in the deep end and since it was un-chlorinated it felt strangely invigorating. I was one with nature. Ha Ha. A whole load of people get jealous of me and Shehara swimming and they too decide to get in. Turns out to be a hell of a lot of fun!

All of us then decide to have our breakfasted which consisted of a sausage-tomato-onion-sauce mix, coconut roti, baked beans and butter. Turns out to be an absolutely amazing breakfast. I don’t know whether this is all exaggeration but I did feel a sense of pleasure washing over me while I was eating. I distinctly remember it!!!

After breakfast, Karyll regaled Mat, Shy and I (and random people who walked in from time to time) with stories about her illustrious Burgher life and both of us were captivated. Unfortunately, we then had to pack and come home. Before leaving the place we took a whole load of group photographs and got into our cars and began our journey back. I sound like some foreigner but you know what, I am! I mean why won’t anyone believe I am a Caucasian white male?

Le Sígh. La Sób. Good memories. Few regrets. Just the way I like it. The trip was an entire package of good experiences and I am prepared to ignore the fact that I over-smoked, was a bit constipated and finally realized that I am capable of loving a person. Anyway, small price to pay to hang with such a classic bunch of people.

V.good.

PS. I have just realized how fucked up my tense usage is in this post. Oh shit, I just realized that the tense usage has been fucked up in the past few posts too. Please forgive the bad grammar.

digression?

I have a feeling that BBC will continue airing special reports on the London Bombings until another bomb goes off in their (London’s, not the BBC’s) damn subways. Obviously it is a great disaster in which 50+ people died, but come on now, we all know this is an atrocious incident carried out by the most evil perpetrators of our time but this kind of thing happens all the time! All of a sudden, this is being compared to the 9/11 events, which I guess, in principle, is justified, but we have come too far since then, and all we could think of when Blair gave his speech in the House of Lords was, oh shit, here comes another war on ‘terror’.

It doesn’t seem worthwhile for people like us also to keep repeating the injustice of the London Bombings in the world media especially considering how little attention (and action) the bombings at the Bank of Ceylon got in January of 1996. We just have to accept that all politicians are hypocrites and if they’re not faced with the problem first-hand (and sometimes even then), they will never understand and empathise with what they’re so-called diplomatic partners and friends are facing on the other side of the globe. If we don’t play a vital role in their own economic development we will never capture the attention we seek in actively resolving a problem that was so pervasive in the 80’s and 90’s in Sri Lanka. Luckily for us, the terrorist problem, although always looming, is slightly less threatening to the lives of Sri Lankans these days but we don’t owe anything to the U.S or the U.K for this state of affairs.

Perhaps our thanks should go to both the LTTE and the government for inflicting upon the population of Sri Lanka chain after chain of terror that has corroded the mettle of both parties to such an extent that pursuing an uncompromising stance is just too inhuman and cruel. It’s true isn’t it? All these years, individuals all over the island have been rejecting the call for war and finally the realization is sinking in that who the fuck really wants to lose their parents, children, family and friends for something that is so useless fighting for? Idealistic as this might seem, why can’t we just live on equal terms? Perhaps I am too removed from the core of things to actually comment but it seems simple enough to me. You won’t have to give anything of yourself away just to make someone stand on the same platform (pedestal) as you. You really won’t. It just takes some humility and a hell of a lot less insecurity.

I am very laissez faire about these things and I certainly do not feel strongly about the above topic but I am truly an objective person and I see no trouble in giving all the people around us the same rights as anyone. I wouldn’t mind a Tamil getting his due; neither will I have any trouble seeing a woman getting hers. Oh I know how rubbish all this might sound but yeah, that is my viewpoint. It’s nothing more, nothing less than just my humble (??) viewpoint.

It’s just my call to the world out there to be a little more sensible. And don’t get me started certain factions of the clergy. Oh wait, let me get a little started on the topic. Our clergy is littered with people who extol the virtues of Buddhism but apart from the superficial labels of Buddhism, such as the orange robes and the sacred looks they give us, where are the truly Buddhist actions of non-violence and understanding? It’s just hideous, sacrilegious activity wrapped up in robes that are fast losing the respect and credibility that they used to give. Hopefully someone will understand that is just some ploy to fly over and above the radar. And DO something about it.

I feel entirely empty as I finish off this post. It’s terribly useless of me to talk because that is all people do. The apathy one feels when talking about a political issue is classic because one does not contribute anything to anything. Perhaps your sense of smugness increases but there is nothing to show for it at the end of the day. It’s so useless that I don’t even know how to complete this post with a decent ending. So this seems to be an appropriate place to just stop.

melting pot

What is more frustrating than having a hangover at work, muscles hurting from doing weights for the first time, mum having a nervous and mental breakdown at home, no money and no work at work?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. I have got over it.

The cause of the hangover was going to Glow for a party that was ‘by invitation only’. I thought since there was an official party organized at Glow there would be something different happening. But no, it was the same thing. The same ol’ cliques and the same old affectations.

Don’t get me wrong here, I partake in all these affectations too but I do not derive fun from them. I think its some part of me that switches onto auto-pilot because these cliques and these affectations were what I used to look up to when I was in school living my life, quite happily (or rather, as it turns out, not so happily), as the class-geek.

I just about had a good time because I was soaking up the drinks as usual (explaining the head-torture the morning after) and my friend Ishani and I had about two good dances on the floor before strolling off into a world where politics engulfed her and left me… not really stranded but bereft of any faith I had in her. Things like this do not affect me but I hate hearing some bit of good sense about 3 minutes before an unpardonable lack of judgment. Especially when this bit of good sense comes out so easily and so well-oiled to make me think that.. ahh… yes.. I know exactly what goes in your life because you have told me all about it. It’s not that I am hurt because I don’t get told things about her personal affairs but it’s this mentality that my questions will go un-answered until she feels comfortable about telling me stuff. I understand and empathize with this all the way but the problem I have is that she only reaches this comfort zone when she is willing to rant out morsels of the problem, conveniently ignoring the fact that she has never told me what exactly the problem was.

Anyway, none of you will understand the above but I needed to get that out of my system and articulate mentally what I really thought about it.

Lifting weights has got to be the most liberating thing in the world. NOT. A friend once told me that when he did weights it felt awful but after you did them, you felt awesome because the blood rushed into your limbs and sometimes even made you horny. SO, I expected that kind of effect when I did weights but sadly that was not to be. If I could have managed an erection it would have only been through several doses of Viagra! I felt sick, tired and completely drained out. As soon as I stretched my arm, it cramped. As soon as I scratched my back, my hand would refuse to go beyond the small of my back. It was crazy. But it’s been 7 days since I started this post so the memories of the pain have faded remarkably and I am planning on going to the gym today.

Mum’s nervous and mental breakdown? It’s a long, sad story and I really don’t feel like going into on my blog for everyone to see.

No work at work? The end of last week was kind of slow because all my superiors got caught up with their own big projects and the interns were basically free to do anything they liked. This is not as fun as it sounds because if I am not doing anything at work, I’d rather be home in bed watching a movie, instead of chilling in the office (which is kind of fun but…but… u know… it’s a different kind of fun that is derived. Almost like fun burning at a lower-frequency… more or less like we’re trying our best with the situation at hand).

Anyway, like I said, that post was made seven days ago so different things have happened since then. Well not really, since work is still relatively boring, because myself and a French intern have been put in charge of some small projects and he has not turned up to work today. So the work I have done so far just has to be compiled with his (not possible today). Anyway, because I am going back home early today (coz of some bank/accommodation work) I am just chilling for the moment.

As you might have realized from the present tense I use in the above sentences, this blog post is materializing from the creative recesses of my mind which is currently inside of a body that has just to come to the office. That is right, I am blogging from work!!!!! Cool? Or not? Hmmm. I don’t know. I’d rather be doing work.

Ahh yes, the different things that have happened over the past week are:

#1. Movie night @ office. Kind of cool coz they screened Star Wars: The Attack of the Sith. There was popcorn, spicy mixture, savoury biscuits, orange-juice, Vodka and rum. FACT: Physical presence of intoxicating liquids does not equate to actual consumption. The movie was not good. I did not like any part of the movie except perhaps the special effects which were to some extent tainted by the stupidity of machines that only beeped (are WE supposed to understand that is something we should just not understand?) and god-awful dialogue.

#2. Food-Poisoning. Woke up on Sunday feeling quite bad. Felt the acid rolling about in my system. I felt like little ‘cute’ ulcers were popping up in my stomach and festering because the acid was just rolling onto them. Then I puked. And the puke just kept on coming. And then I purged.. and purged.. and purged… and… you get the picture. Not a very good day. By night I was wishing that work never existed but I did go to work…. Yay… how fucking disciplined I have become. No really, it is not such a great thing for me to show up to work when I was sick coz so many other people do it all the time in much sicker, more stressful situations. It’s just one of those things you got to accept and stop being a spoilt brat about.

I’m not at work any more. This blog post is taking ages to write. I am at home now, waiting till the water heats up enough to give me a soothing shower after a good work out at the gym. My version of a good work out is, I am sure, not even close to what other, much fitter people consider a reasonable work out but what the fuck, if I feel I got a good work out, then I did!

These internal battles have got to stop. But what the fuck, this is my blog and I can fight with anyone I feel I like! Ok? Ok? Bring it on bitch! Touché.

Hmmm.

Anyway, I just got to know that my appeal for on-campus accommodation was successful! Yay! I am so happy that I don’t have to move out to some lonely ol’single room somewhere a few bus stops out of campus. Seriously, the heartlands of Singapore depress me no end. Sure, if I have friends living with me, then I could stand it coz u know, there will be good company and alcohol etc. but if I have to live alone then I shall just brood myself into some pitiful catatonic state. I am a bit of a snob. I am a very material person and I really do want to live in some fancy-shmantzy place in Orchard or something… yeah yeah… wishful thinking but a guy’s got to dream right?

The bad news about me living on campus is that I have to live with somebody. Ergh. Yeah, I have to share a double room. SUXXXXXXXXXXX. FUXXXX. Seriously, shit! My porn habits are atrocious! And if I can’t masturbate when I feel like, I will die. I seriously will. I can’t go hiding my erections again!!!!! I can’t!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully my roommate is some exchange student who will be out all the time and will give me privacy… yay! But he could be some pitiful nerdy boy (read: Chinese) who never leaves the room unless for coffee or a piss or to take out some library books. Oh god, these negative thoughts have got to stop. Hopefully, there is a silver lining in all this. I mean a silver lining beyond not living out of campus. Yeah, yeah, I’m an ungrateful arse. But what to do lah?

Anyway, I got to go shower. Dinner at 9pm at The Pavilion with some friends I have not met in some time. I think it will be very boring but it could just turn out to be quite fun. These things have a way of being so much fun when you have such low expectations. Don’t you think me having low expectations from FRIENDS is a bit screwed up? I mean I should like really depend on them and stuff right? But I think I’m better off this way coz then I don’t get disappointed too much when things don’t go my way. Anyway, high expectations never did anything good for anyone. I have spent the last 8 years having such high expectations and in that process living those 8 years in some state or version of hurt about something or someone. So I am learning not to be like that coz it just hurts everything around you. Some people perceive you as indifferent but like I said, life’s too short for you to be worried about what everyone thinks about.

I am a hypocrite. I also love to write.

Hokay? :p

P.S Back in office again and ready to go. We did not go to The Pavilion last night. We went to La Rambla. It was cool. The esquillade was vveryyyy tasty. Had coffee, had cigarettes and came home. Peaceful night.

relak lah! formerly known as secret shag

First things first…. If you are Singaporean and you have not noticed the uproar about Sarong Party Girl, you should crawl back into the cave you have been living in and feed on your ignorant soul. That is a bit harsh coz who really cares anyway?

Needless to say, I do care and I must give my two cents worth to this argument. Sarong Party Girl’s blog is one of the most interesting ones I have ever read. She is definitely out there doing her thing and basically living her life. Her blog personality at least is very, very direct and that in itself is commendable. I don’t agree with her philosophy in life and she is very offensive at times, but this is her blog and even if she has to some extent tailored her posts to catch the attention of her audience, who hasn’t? We should leave her to her own devices and move on.

Plus, she is also very, very young and tries to paint herself as a Carrie Bradshaw type of person. But if you have seen some of the posts she has put up in the last month, you get glimpses of how confused and directionless she is beneath the cock-sure veneer she tries to project through her writing. Give her a break. She’s not a super-human. What she is, is an opinionated, progressive kind of girl trying to make it in a world that embraces differences. Compromises have had to be made and if her ‘compromise’ has been to shed her conventions and be someone that causes people to turn their heads and look at her, it’s a compromise that has suited her well. Her recent fame is testament to that.

In my personal opinion, her blog has lost some of its lustre because now everyone reads it and no doubt, her expressions will be influenced by this new kind of attention she’s getting. It’s already happening. She has a comment section now.

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Enough about her, more about me, me, me. I don’t have leisure time anymore. Sure there are loads of hours in a day when I don’t have to do work but it’s never leisure time if u know what I mean. It’s like, ok, so there are 8 hours left before I sleep, so I should eat, relax, check mail, read a bit, go for a drive and maybe a cigarette and then come back and sleep. So basically what I am trying to say is that everything is planned. Even over the weekend, the mentality is such that we have to do as much as we can before work starts on Monday. It’s still fun, but it’s a bit exhausting at times and it will take some adjusting to.

However, if you go out of Colombo, everything changes and you can do as much you can and still feel content. Absolute bliss. A few of my newly found friends and I went down-south to the sun-smooched beaches this past weekend. Let me introduce them to you: Pierced chick, Flamboyant, Aussie-mate, Angel-eyes, Magic-box. We drank: arrack, wine and rum. We smoked: cigarettes and weeeeeed. We swam: pool and beach. We danced: room, club and synchronized in the pool. We ate: bbq, sri lankan food, continental breakfast and we slepttttt. It was by far the most fun trip I have ever taken. These guys, I hardly know them, were so understanding, non-judgmental and fun I was just blown away. Literally. Well not literally. Damn!!! Usually I feel glad when I get home but since the whole experience was just amazing I was kinda sad to get home.

Anyways, cheers to them for making my life just a bit better with their company and the endless supply of ze candiez.
Until next time, au revoir.

the worries

I really wanted to post twice today. I don’t know why but I feel I am neglecting my blog these days.

The last week was quite fun actually. I like work. I hate getting up for it but once I am there I enjoy what I do, even if it means calling up people and coaxing them to give u a videotaped interview. A lot of people are averse to the idea of being filmed on camera which comes as sort of a pleasant surprise because one finds out that people are not as superficial and camera-hungry as we think they are. I find it’s such a pleasure to meet humble people because you can learn so much from them. I do not profess to have learnt a lot from humble people but I know it’s made me not complain about life’s circumstances as much as I used to.

Anyway, I do not find it surprising at all that people don’t want to be filmed because I know I would hate it. One never realizes how hideous one’s voice is unless it is taped and played over for one to hear. I heard my voice on one of the interviews and I cringed so badly that the audio-visual guy gave me a big smirk. I take solace in the fact that people are quite used to my voice and because I am not, I should be the only one to actually profess distaste for it.

Going back to the subject of liking what I do, I feel that I am quite suited to this position. I love research, I am reasonably creative and I find its quite fun to give presentations especially if it is well researched and thought-over. I believe I need some experience on how to handle the stress of the job but I am confident I will fit in quite soon. However, I am not too sure about whether this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. If you are a marketer, there is only a small promotional ladder. I mean the possibilities are pretty vast but if your natural environment is planning with the client and starting from scratch, then jobs at the top of the ladder are not likely to offer you this and you might get bored of a management job. The money’s a good substitute but still…you know what I mean.

When I examine this issue under even more harsh lighting, I feel that I will never be deliriously happy in a corporate job. My passion’s always been to write, this blog being a by-product of this passion. Unfortunately I have never indulged my passions because I come from a conservative Sindhi family and doing anything non-business related is frowned upon as impractical and disaster. Families exhibit toxic love in these instances where they sabotage your every move just to move you in the direction they want you to move in. Luckily for me, I liked business subjects and I have no regrets in doing my studies in them but that does not mean I shouldn’t be able to pursue what I really want. There’s nothing stopping me except my own fear of failing miserably at it but I think I can wait until I have established myself reasonably in a world where wearing formal clothes in the day are a maxim.

Another thing that’s worrying me all the time is that I worry all the time. My friend once told me that I need to make myself happy first and not to try to make life easier for others, in other words, not to be a doormat. I find myself stuck, really desperately stuck where I worry that I am not making people happy. I worry and I worry until I feel sick to the stomach that nobody’s going to have a good time, or I should throw myself in the middle of a fight between two people I care about so as to stop the fighting. It sucks. My happiness is irrevocably tied in with other people’s happiness. Other people’s lives impose on me in the sense that my life is probably made up of diverse set of other people lives and I can’t live my life happily if one of those lives I am made up of is unhappy!!!! And yet, I come across as a selfish prick. Sometimes decisions have to be made and I make them and some people are left happy and some are not but because everyone is so used to getting their own point of view considered, BECAUSE I PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYONE’S OPINION, once their opinion is overruled, who gets to feel the brunt of the hostility? Lucky guess anyone?

I must sleep now… good night fuckers.